Intelligent Conversation
by RegenesisX
Summary: In which Cloud and Genesis add their two cents to the plethora of urban myths and conundrums regarding their comrades and coworkers.
1. Blink

**Author's Note:** Vampires have gotten extremely popular these days. This is what happens when I start asking random people really stupid questions. Based on a real conversation I had, starting with Cloud's question.

_Edited 7/3/14_

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversation<strong>

_"There are various theories, but only mine is correct." ~ Genesis Rhapsodos_

It wasn't often that Commander Genesis Rhapsodos ate in the Mess Hall. Usually he remained in his office, relying on Angeal or his secretary to bring him food. The reason he so rarely visited the Mess was because complete and utter chaos seemed to trail in his wake, and the lunch ladies complained about it to Lazard. This day would be no exception.

"Hey Genesis?"

"...Mmhmm?"

"Do vampires blink?"

Genesis' concentration remained fixed on chapter six of _LOVELESS _until he registered the question. Then he lowered the book. _Did vampires blink?_ He turned to look at Cloud, who seemed perfectly sincere.

"Do they _what?"_

"You know, blink." Cloud batted his eyelashes a few times for emphasis.

Confused, Genesis shook his head. "Why wouldn't they?" he asked, honestly curious now.

"Well, I know they don't have to breathe because they're dead, so I wondered if they don't have to blink either."

Genesis didn't know much about vampires, but he knew a _lot_ about dead people. They didn't blink. "Perhaps not. Although, their eyes would dry out."

Furrowing his brow, Cloud went deep into thought. Or, at least that's how he appeared to the commander. "Maybe they have eye drops," he suggested after a minute.

The mere notion was absolutely ridiculous. "Could you imagine?" he guffawed, dropping his voice into a heavy accent. "My dear, you look so ravishing tonight, I could just eat- oh, excuse me my dear, my eyes seem to have developed some dryness. Please pardon me while I put in my eye drops."

"I guess eye drops wouldn't be very convenient. Or romantic. Maybe they just let their eyes dry out, then."

"Doesn't _that_ sound attractive." Using his fingers, Genesis stretched his eyes wider than they would normally go and gave Cloud a stupid grin. The cadet covered his mouth with his hand to keep from laughing aloud. But Genesis loved it when Cloud lost control, and wanted to see more. "Aren't I just the embodiment of sexy, Cloudy?" he asked, licking his lips in what might have been a seductive manner under more normal circumstances.

Cloud pointed a shaking finger at him. "Y-You look like Professor Hojo on crack!"

The vivid imagination Genesis had always been proud to say he had quickly brought forward an image of the esteemed scientist snorting cocaine in his office. _He probably does too. _Either way, the thought made Genesis release his eyes and let out a rather loud cackle that drew the attention from some of the surrounding tables.

Once their laughter had abated, Genesis rubbed his eyes. "It's hard to see with my eyes pulled open like that," he commented. "Maybe vampires are blind."

"I don't think Dracula wandered around with a cane and seeing- eye dog, Gen."

"Maybe they're psychic."

"Wait! What about that thing bats do, where they send out those high pitched sounds and wait for them to bounce off of things? Like Sonar? Vampires are related to bats, aren't they?"

"Yes, of course! Why didn't I think of that?" Genesis gave Cloud a pat on the shoulder. "Well done, Cadet."

Giggling, Cloud saluted. "Why thank you, Commander."

"Excuse me, Genesis?" interrupted a new voice of the deep, baritone persuasion.

Genesis glanced behind him to see the leather-clad form of Sephiroth hovering over his shoulder. He opened his mouth to ask what he wanted, then closed it again. Sephiroth's eyes were red and puffy, like he was having an allergic reaction to something. Was Sephiroth actually allergic to _anything?_ Genesis didn't think so. "What happened to you?"

Sephiroth grimaced. "Hairspray."

"What'd you do, hold it the wrong way?" When Sephiroth didn't respond, Genesis realized that was exactly what he had done. "_Hero of the Dawn_, indeed, Sephiroth..."

Suddenly, Cloud gasped and jabbed a finger at Sephiroth. _"Hojo's turned him into a vampire!"_ he shrieked, causing nearly everyone to stop what they were doing and turn to stare.

In a flash, Genesis realized that he was right.

"Run, Cloud!" he cried, yanking the blond to his feet. "Run before he uses his bat powers to find you and drink your blood and devour your _sooooooul!"_

And so the two of them ran from the Mess Hall screaming at the tops of their lungs, leaving an extremely confused Sephiroth behind in a room full of terrified lower-class SOLDIERs.

Another ordinary day in the life of Commander Genesis Rhapsodos.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** The very foundation of _Intelligent Conversation_ has been built upon reader suggestions. So, if you have any suggestions for conversation topics, feel free to leave them in a review. Cloud likes mythological creatures, superstitions, being suspicious of fellow ShinRa employees, attempting to debunk the mysteries of the universe, and driving Genesis absolutely bonkers. _  
><em>

_**RegenesisX**_


	2. Werewolf

**Author's Note:** This is for underhandlilies, who gave me the idea. Much love to you! :D

_Edited 9/8/11_

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversation<strong>

_My son wrote to me about you once. 'Zero attention span. Restless as a little puppy.' ~ Gillian Hewley _

Demonic growls blared from the television, closely followed by the high-pitched screams of a terrified woman. The scene flashed from the charging wolf to the fleeing girl, who ran through the woods in nothing but a scanty nightgown that barely covered her underwear. A root jutting out from the leaves caught her foot and caused her to stumble while she looked back, giving the wolf ample time to catch up.

It briefly dawned on Cloud that her attire was one of the most ridiculous things he'd ever seen; after all, who went walking in the woods in nothing but their underclothing? Then the wolf lunged for her throat and he returned to hiding under his blanket.

A sharp slap landed on his hip, startling him. "You're missing the best part, Cloud!"

Cloud rolled his eyes, gripping the blanket tighter. Leave it to Genesis to enjoy seeing some innocent lady get ripped to pieces by a werewolf. "I can't watch!"

"This coming from an _infantryman_ who has accompanied me on missions?" He could practically see Genesis shaking his head. "You're never going to make it into SOLDIER at this rate. The blood gushing out of the hole in her neck is so _obviously_ fake, and poorly done, if I might add..."

"Genesis!" Cloud screeched, the image of a dead, mangled woman forever burned into his mind by his overactive imagination. The fact that he could still hear the snarling and ripping of human flesh from the movie didn't do anything to help. His stomach churned and some of the dumbapple pie he'd eaten for dessert threatened to make its way back up his throat. In all honesty, he would have preferred watching _Loveless_ for the thirty-second time instead of the horror film the commander had chosen.

At least then he would have gotten some sleep.

Much to his dismay, Genesis continued to commentate. "Ugh, there goes her heart," he said. "I once saw a monster do that to an infantryman. Clawed open his chest and ripped his heart right out!"

Cloud ran for the bathroom.

* * *

><p>"I think Zack is a werewolf."<p>

Genesis blinked. His pen halted on its journey across the paper, leaving his signature as _Genesis Rha_. Setting the writing instrument aside, he looked up to see Cloud standing in front of his desk. "Excuse me?"

"Zack is a werewolf!" he repeated, flinging his arms in the air and waving them around in a rather panicked fashion.

After coming out of a meeting with Lazard about his 'less than desirable attitude' towards the regular army, the spastic blond was _not_ something Genesis wanted to deal with. It would prove Lazard's point.

"Cloud..." he said at length, folding his hands, "werewolves don't exist."

"Aha!"

Genesis jumped at the loud exclamation accompanied by a finger pointed in his face.

"But they _are_ real, because I've discovered that Zack is one," Cloud said triumphantly. "According to that movie-"

_No more horror films,_ Genesis added to his mental list of what not to do around Cloud.

"-werewolves are shapeshifters who only turn into their true form on the full moon."

The cadet's eyes were slightly red and dark circles had begun to form underneath them, giving him a slightly crazed look. "Did you get _any_ sleep last night?" Genesis asked.

"Sleep with Zack on the loose? Are you insane?"

"That was just a movie, Cloud. There's no such things as shapeshifters or werewolves..."

"But I can prove that Zack is one!"

Sighing, Genesis dragged a hand through his hair. How on Gaia was he supposed to get out of this one? He supposed he could always just throw Cloud out the window, no one would notice him gone, but the idea was less than appealing. After all, the unenhanced infantryman probably wouldn't survive the fall, and then he'd be stuck with Sephiroth for conversation again.

He'd rather do paperwork.

"Cloud. Zack. _Is not._ A werewolf."

The blond leaned over the desk and glanced around in a conspiratorial manner that Genesis thought was ridiculous. "Why do you think Angeal nicknamed him 'Puppy?'"

"Because he's hyperact-"

"BECAUSE ANGEAL KNOWS HE'S A WEREWOLF!"

"Angeal doesn't believe in that kind of stuff-"

"And his hair! Have you seen Zack's hair?"

"You _know_ I have, Cloud..."

"From the back, he looks just like a wolf! There's no denying that!"

"Cloud, from the back, you look like a chocobo. Does that make you a were-cobo?"

For a moment, it looked like the cadet might actually slap him. Genesis would have him doing toilet duty, but he still wished Cloud would just _do it _and show some fight for once. But the blond simply clenched his fists at his sides. So much for that.

"I do _not_ look like a chocobo!" he pouted. "Besides, I can't turn into one. But I'm _positive_ Zack can turn into a wolf! He's even got wolfy senses!"

Genesis buried his face in his hands. "And what 'wolfy senses' would those be?"

"He can hear people whispering practically across a room-"

"Mako."

"-he's got the strength of a behemoth-"

"Mako."

"-and he can smell food on the floors above and below him."

"We're SOLDIER!" Genesis exclaimed. "Mako makes us _all_ capable of doing things normal humans can't."

The blond's eyes narrowed; a sure sign he was going into overdrive. "He eats the meat from the cafeteria," he practically whispered. "And he _likes_ it!"

Genesis groaned, massaging one of his temples. He was starting to get a headache. "He's crazy, Cloud. Mad. Insane. Cracked. Off his rocker. Coming unglued. Take your pick."

"You're missing the point!" Cloud slammed his hands down on the desk. "Zack is obviously a werewolf!"

Finally, Genesis snapped. He shot to his feet, mimicking the cadet's dramatic hand-to-table antics. "You know what? Fine!" he hissed. "Zack's a werewolf! Go shoot him with a silver bullet if you want! But leave me alone or you'll be dangling by your ankles from the forty-ninth floor, _without_ your underwear this time!"

However upset Cloud was, he wasn't upset enough not to understand the treat was deadly-serious. "You'll be sorry you didn't listen to me when he comes to _rip your heart out!"_ he spat, spinning on his heel and marching out of the office.

Slumping back into his chair, Genesis allowed himself a noisy, frustrated sigh. Leave it to Cloud to get the absolute most absurd ideas in his head. Although, the more he thought about it, Zack really _did_ act like a dog sometimes. Maybe there was some gravity to Cloud's theory after all.

_Perhaps it was something in the Mako,_ Genesis thought with a smirk. He wouldn't put it past Hojo to throw some animal cells in any of their Mako shots. Shuddering, Genesis thanked the Goddess he was treated by Hollander. But then, if his theory was correct, maybe that was why Sephiroth was so catlike...

There was still one thing prodding at Genesis' conscience, regardless of whether he wanted it to or not. Pulling out his PHS, he sent a text to Angeal. If the Puppy was in any sort of danger, Angeal would have his skin if he ever found out he was indirectly responsible.

_Hey Angeal, keep Zack away from Cloud. He's gotten it in his head that Zack's a werewolf and that we're all in danger. I know he's only a cadet, but I'm not sure what he's capable of when he's mad like this. _

Genesis snorted at the mental image of the 'were-cobo' chasing the 'werewolf' through the halls, brandishing whatever absurd weapon he'd chosen and screaming nonsense, then pressed send.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Oh Cloud, what are we going to do with you? Happy belated Birthday to him, by the way. I was going to include it on the first chapter, but I forgot! D:

Got any strange ideas about the other SOLDIERs or Turks? Leave them in a review! Because I like hearing from you guys :) You make my day when you tell me I've made yours.

**_RegenesisX_**


	3. Unicorns

**Author's Note: **Well, MissSephyC wanted unicorns and Angeal, and KHGiggle gave me unicorns. I left the rest up to Genesis and Cloud, which was probably an unwise decision on my part, considering how this ended up going.

_Edited 9/11/11_

**Warnings: **Some talk about who is a virgin, who isn't a virgin, and who may or may not not be a virgin in the very near future.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Final Fantasy VII. And I don't claim to know anything about Rapier, either.

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversation<strong>

_"We are... monsters." ~ Genesis Rhapsodos_

"AARGH!"

Cloud yelped in pain as his face smashed into the floor of the training room. Why couldn't they have mats to spar on instead of this cold, hard metal? One more fall and his nose was going to be broken. He would be lucky if he didn't wind up with a concussion by the end of the week. Rolling onto his back, Cloud fought to catch the breath that had been knocked out of him upon impact.

Commander Rhapsodos stood a few feet away, leaning on his sword, and sighed. "You were doing pretty well until you tripped," he said after a moment.

"I've been doing that a lot lately." Struggling to a sitting position, Cloud glared down at his feet. "Maybe I've been going through a growth spurt."

A snort. "Perhaps."

The _'or maybe you're just inherently clumsy,'_ didn't need to be said aloud. It didn't take Genesis' critical eye to tell Cloud he was pathetic.

"Can we take a break for a little while?" he asked, giving Genesis a pleading look.

Raising an eyebrow, the redhead mimed looking at a wristwatch. "You do realize it's only been about fifteen minutes, right?"

Cloud's expression didn't change.

"Alright, whatever," he relented, throwing an arm up in the air as he moved to sit beside the cadet. "It's your training session, not mine."

On the other side of the training room, Zack and Angeal were sparring. The Puppy was keeping up with his mentor quite decently, Cloud noted, until the brawny First hooked his foot behind Zack's ankle and sent the teen to the floor with a thud.

"See, Cloud?" Genesis chuckled. "You're not the only one who can't seem to stay on your feet."

The cadet grimaced, offering Zack a small wave when the Second noticed him and grinned. He got back up and faced Angeal, ready to try again.

"It's too bad Angeal insists on holding his hand all the time," the redhead commented. "He'll be absolutely _useless_ on the field, what with the way he's constantly distracted. If he's promoted to First Class, it'll only be because Shinra's getting desperate."

Cloud had long since learned to ignore Genesis' hostility towards Zack. As if his one-sided rivalry with Sephiroth wasn't enough, Genesis also had something of an inferiority complex when it came to mentor-ship. Apparently, he was attempting to out-do Angeal.

Picking the wimpiest cadet in the regular army to work with, however, confused even Cloud.

Deciding it would be a good idea to change the subject, the blond pointed at Rapier lying next to the Red General. "Can I see that?" he asked.

Genesis picked the sword up, caressing the hilt like he did with his special edition, leather-bound copy of _Loveless._ "Only if you promise to be careful with it."

"Genesis," Cloud said flatly. "I've seen you punch through this floor with that thing. I highly doubt I'll be able to do any damage."

"Well, excuse me if I don't share you optimism," Genesis grumbled, passing him the hilt.

Gripping the leather handle, Cloud pulled the sword out of the commander's grasp with the intention of holding it vertically out in front of him. Of course he forgot to take into consideration that Rapier was a great deal heavier than the training sword he used. Its weight caused him to pitch forward, sending the crimson blade to the floor with a clatter.

Cloud stared at the sword.

The sound of metal grating on metal was heard as the cadet slid the sword along the floor until he could set the hilt down in front of him. "Maybe I'll just keep it on the ground like this," he said as nonchalantly as he could manage.

"Good thinking."

Using some advanced calculus, Cloud tried to determine just how long it would be before he was allowed to touch Genesis' sword again.

"It's a lot prettier than anyone else's," he offered.

Much to his relief, the redhead brightened considerably. "It's an ancient blade, you know," he boasted. "One of the finest ever created."

"Are you sure it's not just a replica?" It wasn't often that Cloud doubted Genesis' word, but it wouldn't be above the commander to stretch the truth a little to make himself look better.

The commander, however, looked quite affronted. "A mere _replica_ wouldn't be able channel magic into the blade," he said, picking the sword up. "Swordsmiths these days only know how to create slots for materia in weapons. Real magic is a lost art."

Cloud's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets as Genesis ran his hand along the length of the blade, making it glow a bright scarlet. Symbols appeared on it as well, although they were unreadable. The cadet tried to place where he'd seen them before, but came up blank.

"Showing off again, Genesis?" Angeal called across the room. He was giving Genesis _The Look_, Cloud noted with a shudder. _The Look_ was a combination attack of 'disapproving frown' and 'condescending tone,' in layman's terms.

Genesis shot him an ugly glare. "Just proving my point," he snapped. Setting Rapier down, he leaned over and whispered to Cloud. "I swear, it's like I've suddenly become the poster boy for the 'DO NOT's in life. I see his precious Puppy twirling his sword around for anyone who will watch all the time."

"The unicorn book!"

"Excuse me?"

Cloud pointed at the redhead's sword. "That's where I seen it before!"

A long silence settled while Genesis looked back and forth between his precious sword and Cloud's I've-just-won-one-million-gil-at-the-Gold-Saucer expression. "What's a 'unicorn?'"

"You seriously don't know?" the blond gaped.

That couldn't be right; Genesis knew everything.

"Um, are you going to tell me?"

"You know Odin's horse? Well, they're kind of like that, only they have four legs and this long horn coming out of their forehead," Cloud rambled on excitedly. Finally he knew more about something than Genesis! "Apparently, they used to be used for travel before chocobos got popular. The pictures in the book were really pretty. I should show you sometime."

"Sounds... fascinating."

Cloud failed to catch Genesis' annoyed tone. "You wanna know something _else_ fascinating? They're naturally drawn to virgins. Back then, virgins must have worn a heck of a lot less clothing though, because all the women in the pictures were practically naked." He scrunched up his face at the memory scarred forever in his innocent mind. "But still, you could, like, use unicorns to hunt them down and use them for sacrifices or whatever."

"Virgin detectors, eh?" Genesis started to look thoughtful, and Cloud began to feel less enthusiastic.

"Is that like a metal detector?"

"You know who _I_ think is secretly a unicorn, Cloud?"

The cadet blinked. "No. Who?"

A sly grin spread across Genesis' face. "Angeal."

"_What?"_

"Think about it," Genesis said, putting a hand on the blond's shoulder. "Angeal has been a complete _bear_ to me these past couple of years, and I am in no way, shape, or form still a virgin."

_I didn't need to know that,_ Cloud cringed.

"But he absolutely _adores_ Zack, who so obviously is."

"How do you know?"

"Because he's only eighteen and spends _all_ of his time swinging that sword around and doing squats," the redhead rolled his eyes. "He's also still buddy-buddy with Sephiroth, and I know for a fact that _he_ is because he's already the epitome of 'socially awkward' and on top of that, he grew up in the labs. Ew."

Alright, so shoot him. Cloud was seeing where this all made sense.

"And even though you're around me practically twenty-four/seven, he still treats you like his favorite nephew or something. If you want even _more_ proof, I can give you a few Turk examples. Reno, for instance-"

"NO!" Cloud accidentally shouted, drawing the attention of Zack, Angeal, and the other SOLDIERs who were in the training room. "Uh, no," he repeated in a quiet voice, "I believe you."

Genesis' hand suddenly tightened around his wrist and forced him to his feet, dragging him across the floor.

"G-Genesis?" Cloud squeaked. "Wh-where are we going?"

"To save you from the evil clutches of Angeal the Virgin Hunter!" the redhead announced.

Cloud prayed with everything he had that Zack and Angeal didn't hear that. "I don't think-"

The commander whipped around, pressing his nose against Cloud's. The blond would have backed away, but was too frozen by the maniac look in Genesis' eyes to move. "You don't want be part of a human sacrifice, do you?"

"N-No, n-not really, b-b-but-"

"Then it's settled!" Genesis hauled a frightened Cloud through the glass doors. "We'll get you deflowered, even if I have to do it myself!"

Cloud managed to escape before any damage was done, but subsequently spent the following six days hiding out underneath Sephiroth's desk. The general was kind enough to bring him food and not divulge his location to anyone who asked after him, but kicked him out once he realized the cadet wasn't showering. Of course, by then Genesis had forgotten about the whole incident.

It _did_, however, explain why Cloud nearly had a seizure when Zack handed him his birthday present wrapped in paper covered entirely in unicorns.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Why is it one of them always forgets to bring their sanity when I write these two? C'mon, now...

Rapier, an ancient sword used by unicorn riders? Anyone want to take a stab at where Sephiroth and Angeal's swords came from? Ahem, you don't have to laugh at that pun... I know it was bad.


	4. Sunburn

**Author's Note:** This was requested by an anonymous reviewer, but I've always wondered about this one myself. So, thanks whoever you are, and here's the boys' answer to your question!

_Edited 9/11/11_

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Final Fantasy VII, but I also don't know that much about vampires! Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong about anything.

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversation<strong>

_"Suntan lotion?" ~ Cissnei_

As much as he whined and complained every time he was sent on a mission outside the continent, Genesis Rhapsodos truly enjoyed traveling. Each new location he visited exposed him to new cultures, architecture, literature, food, atmosphere and people. There was never enough time to submerse himself while on a mission, but someday he would have leisure time to do so. From Kalm's charm to Wutai's exotic flair to Modeoheim's mystery to his own emotional attachment to his hometown, Banora, Genesis loved them all.

Except one.

"Ugh, I've got weird tan lines from my uniform," Cloud grumbled, examining his arms unhappily. From his wrists to his mid-biceps, the blond's arms were a golden tan. His hands and the rest of his body were ghostly pale from being covered head-to-toe.

Genesis ignored him in favor of slathering more sunscreen on his face. After having the cadet come bouncing into his office with the announcement of ShinRa's bi-annual trip to Costa Del Sol, Genesis had politely declined. However, Cloud had looked so dejected the following few days that the commander eventually gave in, packing more sunblock than Sephiroth packed shampoo.

"Do my back," he barked, thrusting the already half-empty bottle out at Cloud.

Cloud responded by sticking his arm out. "I look like I'm still wearing gloves!" he exclaimed.

"At least you _tan. _Do my back."

"Do your own back!"

Genesis frowned. It was _his_ fault he was even out in this mess. "Do I look like I can spontaneously sprout tentacles to reach every spot on my body?"

"Go get Angeal to do it."

"I'm asking _you."_

Snaking his fingers through the sand, Cloud fidgeted and screwed up his face. "But I don't wanna touch your back."

Of all the weird phobias Cloud just _had _to have, touching people just _had_ to be one of them. Normally, this would be the perfect opportunity for the redhead to tease him, but it was over ninety degrees out, the sun was positively _evil, _and Genesis was NOT having it. Summoning a Firaga in one fist, he fixed the blond with a glare.

"If you don't do it, Goddess help me, you'll be more burnt than I will," he threatened.

Cloud's eyes widened and he snatched up the bottle. He shuffled around behind Genesis, took an irritatingly long time to squeeze some lotion onto his hands and an even _longer_ time to finally wipe the stuff on his back.

"You don't know _how_ painful it is to sleep when your entire back is fried," the commander mumbled.

"Why do you need to much sunscreen anyway?" Cloud asked.

"My skin is too delicate to be out in the sun for long periods of time." _Delicate, ha._ "It's a Banora thing."

"But... Angeal tans."

The heat, combined with already being in a mood, made Genesis snap. "I don't know then! All I know is I've got skin like a vampire and I burn the second the sun hits it!"

For what seemed like the first time since they'd arrived on the beach, Cloud remained completely silent. Genesis tipped his head forward when hands moved to his neck, reveling in the quiet. The sound of the waves and the smell of the ocean wasn't too bad, he supposed. If only it were indoors.

"They turn to dust."

_Ughhh, now what?_ Genesis wanted scream. "I'm sorry?"

"You said you burn like a vampire when the sun hits you. Vampires disintegrate when the sun hits them," Cloud replied, as if it were obvious.

"No, that's _water_ you're thinking of."

"_No,_ they're only paralyzed when they're hit with Holy Water."

"I mean when they're totally submersed in water, they disintegrate. But when they go out in the sun, they burn."

"No they don't! They turn to dust! I'll prove it!"

Genesis snorted. "And how do you intend to do _that?_ Do you know any vampires?"

That seemed to stump Cloud, as the commander heard him huff in annoyance. "Well, I know _you._"

"...And I burn in the sun, Cloud."

"I am putting _so_ much garlic in your dinner tonight."

Chuckling, Genesis tilted his head so he could see Cloud. "Since we can't seem to come to a consensus, perhaps we're both wrong," he said.

The blond's eyebrows drew together in contemplation. "Alright then... What happens when you put a dead person out in the sunlight?"

"They rot, my dear."

"Ew." Cloud gave his shoulder a shove. "I don't think anyone would find a rotting corpse attractive."

"I couldn't agree more. That sounds more like a zombie anyway."

"Here," Cloud interrupted, dropping the sunscreen bottle into his lap. "Now you're all oily and sparkly."

Whether it was the heat or Genesis was just starting to lose his marbles, that suddenly struck him as the answer to their dilemma. "That's it!" he announced. "Maybe vampires sparkle in the sunlight."

Cloud faceplamed. "Yeah, that's _totally_ plausible. Because it's not already hard enough to kill vampires as it is."

"How about this," Genesis sighed, grabbing his shirt and pulling it over his head. "Vampires _explode_ when the sun hits them. That way they can sparkle, burn and disintegrate all at once."

Laughing, Cloud tossed a handful of sand at him. "You're so weird, Gen," he giggled. "Hey! Why are you pitting your shirt back on? You just covered yourself in like, a half-inch of sunblock."

Genesis kicked sand back at him. "I don't want to explode now, do I?" Standing up, the redhead brushed himself off before reaching down to help the cadet up. "C'mon, let's go inside."

"Wait, what? Why?"

"There's some Banoran wine you just _have_ to try, and if I'm going to spend a week here, I might as well not remember any of it."

Later that night, Angeal discovered the two of them in the shower, attempting to drown a stuffed chocobo covered in glitter. Neither of them had been anywhere near sober enough to explain in an understandable manner what exactly it was they were doing, so Angeal decided to leave the two of them alone and keep Zack away from Genesis the rest of their vacation.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Random trivia! Cloud's "weird tan lines" were inspired by my own! I'm part Native American, so I don't burn very easily, but I do tan. Only, I ride horses so I'm always wearing a t-shirt and gloves. The area between my wrists and my mid-upper arm is the only place that's tanned :P

I also did some sneaky referencing to Genesis' unknown heritage, what with him being really pale and Angeal tanning easily.

Got any silly questions about mythical beings, the SOLDIERs/Turks or locations of FFVII? Leave them in a review, and Cloud and Genesis will attempt to answer them in whatever goofy way they can!

**RegenesisX**


	5. Witches

**Author's Note:** This is for Zarannya, who asked the question about witches, and Kerttu who helped develop the circumstances in which this conversation takes place. Thank you both!

_Edited 9/11/11_

**Warning:** Genesis freaking the heck out.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FFVII, and I sincerely hope this never happens to me.

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversation<strong>

_"That's... That's my hair!" ~ Zack Fair_

A bloodcurdling shriek smashed through the peaceful lull that had settled over ShinRa during the early hours of the morning.

Commander Genesis Rhapsodos stood dripping wet in front of his bathroom mirror, staring slack-jawed in frozen horror at his reflection. Squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head, he tried to rid himself of the ghastly image. But when he took a second peek, it was still there. That grotesque _monstrosity!_

His hands flew up to knot in the soaked mess, pulling at it, wanting it off. Shiva, it looked like someone had sneezed on him, then barfed grape jelly! Another wail rose in his throat as he leaned closer to examine the chartreuse and violet nightmare.

His hair, his _beautiful_ hair!

_Bangbangbang!_

The sudden pounding coming from the door startled Genesis into accidentally slamming his knee against the cupboard.

"Genesis?" Angeal's voice boomed. "Are you alright?"

Biting back tears, Genesis almost laughed at the absurdity of the question. "_NO_, dammit!" he shouted, summoning Fire. "I am _NOT_ alright!"

His flaming fist collided with the mirror, shattering the whole thing. A smoking crater in the wall was all that remained. He screamed again, frustration overcoming him, and ignored Angeal's distressed calls as he tiptoed over the glass shards to reach his bathrobe hanging on the back of the door. Slipping it on and wrapping it tightly around his body, Genesis retreated to corner of the shower where he curled up on the tile.

"Genesis, answer me! What are you _doing_ in there?"

"GO AWAY!"

Angeal jiggled the doorknob threateningly. "Don't make me break this door down!"

"Get out of my apartment, Angeal!" He yelled, grabbing one of his soap bottles crawling far enough forward to fling it at the door. "Get out or I swear, you'll be mopping up your own insides for _months!"_

"Gen-"

"I'm _not_ leaving this room, Angeal, so you can just take it and stuff it!" Slumping back to the shower floor, Genesis allowed himself a choked sob. This was the kind of thing that happened to Reno or Sephiroth, not _him_. Everyone was supposed to be terrified of him!

A gentle rapping sounded from the door and Genesis opened his mouth to let loose a long string of obscenities, when a soft voice came though.

"Hey, Genesis? It's Cloud... Can I come in?"

Mulling it over, Genesis decided he'd rather face Cloud before anyone _else_ came along. Besides that, it wouldn't be like the blond to hold something embarrassing like this over his head, since he knew the commander's revenge would be ten times worse. "Whatever," he responded weakly.

The door creaked open, then shut again and Cloud gasped, probably at the state of his ordinarily pristine bathroom. "Gen, are you okay? What did you do to the- _whoa._"

Genesis glanced up from underneath his arm to see Cloud gawking at him in shock.

"What happened to you?" the blond asked as he scuffled into the shower in his fuzzy yellow chocobo slippers.

"I don't _know_," Genesis sniffled, shaking his head. Droplets of water scattered around him. "I just got out of the shower and it was like this."

Cloud crouched down beside him, looking a little hesitant to actually sit on the wet tile with his pajamas on. "That's one heck of a dye job," he commented, combing his fingers through the alternating stripes of bright green and deep purple. "Did it happen while you were asleep?"

"Obviously," Genesis rolled his watery eyes. "It's disgusting! What _I_ want to know is how the hell they even got in here- wait, how did _you_ get in here?"

"Zack heard you scream and texted me. Angeal was already here when I arrived."

Frowning, the commander leaned his head against the wall. He would have to change his locks. "I _cannot_ leave my apartment looking like this," he sighed.

"No offense," Cloud giggled, "but you kind of look like a witch."

Genesis shot Cloud a glare, but figured he probably wasn't nearly as intimidating. "I've been called that before, only people usually start that word with a 'B' instead of a 'W.'"

"I'm serious!" he insisted. "You look like one of those old hags from the fairy-tale books my mother used to read me."

_Old hag?_

"Wait, let me rephrase that—_gaaaacck!" _The blond let out a yelp as Genesis' hand shot out and wrapped around his throat.

"_Witches_ are old, slimy, and do terrible, terrible things to the little boys they find," the former redhead growled dangerously, forcing Cloud to the floor and looming over him in a menacing manner. "If you think I look like a _witch_, I would be more than happy to slice you open, boil your blood and melt down your organs into soup."

Blue eyes crossed and flushed skin turned a little grey as the cadet undoubtedly envisioned what had just been described to him.

"So let me ask you," Genesis continued, increasing the pressure on Cloud's windpipe, "do I look like a witch? Am I an _old hag_ to you?"

Gasping for air and flapping his hands, Cloud managed to choke out a, "N-no, sir!"

Genesis raised an eyebrow. "Are you _sure?_"

"Yes!" he sputtered. "Witches can't take showers or else they melt and that's why they have green skin, because they're moldy!"

Quickly sitting back, Genesis made a face. "_Moldy?_" he echoed. "Really? That's why they're green?"

"Yeah," Cloud shrugged, rubbing his sore neck where a bruise was already forming.

For all the graphic and gory threats he was so fond of, the one thing that truly grossed Genesis out was mold. "That's just disgusting, Cloud," he snapped. "Keep your toadstool-infested witch facts to yourself next time. Mold, ew!"

And then he nearly broke down into tears again.

"My _hair_ looks like it's moldy!" he cried, crumpling into a ball. "I look like a moldy _wiiiiiiitch..._"

A gentle hand patted his shoulder. "It'll grow out, you know."

"B-But I can't _wait_ that long! I'll have people throwing me in tubs of water to try and kill me because they'll think I'm a fungi-witch!"

"You could wear a helmet."

Genesis just glared.

"Or you could shave your head."

"_SHAVE MY HEAD?"_ he screeched. "Are you _insane?"_

"Okay, okay!" Cloud backed off. "What if you just dye it red again?"

The commander deadpanned. "Do you know how hard it is to find natural looking red hair dye in Midgar?" he asked. "Have you ever _wondered_ why Reno looks like a stop sign?"

"What about another color then? You could bleach it and start over."

It wasn't a bad suggestion, Genesis had to admit. Definitely better than trying to hide it under something or, Goddess forbid, shaving his head. And it wasn't like he hadn't considered changing the color before. Perhaps he'd go blond to match Cloud. After all, the boy did deserve some thanks.

"Well," he grumbled, "alright. But when I find out who did this, I'm going to scalp them, string them up by their toes from the highest window in ShinRa and set their underwear on fire."

* * *

><p>Glancing both ways to make sure no ShinRa personnel were in sight, Cloud drew back his arm and lobbed the first bottle of hair dye onto the giant garbage pile. Double-checking his surroundings, he heaved the second one as well.<p>

Genesis Rhapsodos seriously had problems if he thought he could get Cloud plastered and mangle his favorite stuffed chocobo without expecting any payback.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Insult Cloud all you want, but if you mess with his chocobo, it's SMACKDOWN TIME! I sincerely enjoyed writing Genesis in this chapter.**  
><strong>

Got any weird/funny theories/questions? Leave them in a review and I'll see what I can do with them!

_**RegenesisX**_


	6. Suit

**Author's Note:** The prompt for this was, "Is Tseng unwilling to not wear a suit in case people learn... the truth," and Genesis and Cloud took it from there. For me, Tseng is one of those characters that I legitimately like in Crisis Core/FFVII, but tend not to like in fanfiction. I'm not really sure why. Reno used to be sort of the same, but he's grown on me since. :)

_Edited 9/11/11_

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FFVII, and I don't claim to know about Sephiroth's phobias, either.

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversation<strong>

_"What do you know? ... SHINRA LAPDOGS!" ~ Genesis Rhapsodos_

The moment Cloud entered Commander Rhapsodos' office, he was handed a clipboard and a pen. He stared at the objects in his hands, then gave Genesis a confused look.

"_You_," the redhead announced, "are going to help me clean my office."

"Obviously you are overestimating my organizational skills," Cloud said. "What's the paper and pen for?"

Genesis gestured to the various nick-knacks monopolizing his desk and shelves, and the stacks of papers filling every available space. "I want you to write down what all this junk is, how many of each piece of junk I have, and whether the junk moves back to my apartment or stays here."

Shrugging, Cloud followed the commander over to his desk. That didn't sound too difficult.

Three hours later, though, he was regretting accepting the assignment.

Top to bottom, they'd turned Genesis' office upside down. Every single book had to be removed from the book cases, but before they could even get to the books, they had to clear off all the various and sundry items that had been placed there. Each one was written down on Cloud's paper, then set aside into its respective 'stay, go, or trash' pile. They hadn't even gotten to the desk yet, since the redhead was incredibly indecisive. He turned the random objects over in his hands, trying to figure out who'd given them to him, whether it was worth keeping and where he'd put it if he did. If anything, Cloud was able to catch up on a little bit of sleep.

"Was this from Angeal? Or from Zack? I don't think I can recall an occasion where Zackary gave anything to me, but it doesn't strike me as the kind of thing I'd get from Angeal, either... I don't know. What do you think?"

Cloud jolted awake when a blob of yellow fuzz was suddenly shoved in his face. Pulling back, the blond realized it was a stuffed chocobo. "Sephiroth?"

"Couldn't be," Genesis shook his head, dismissing the notion with a wave of his hand. "The great Silver Demon of Wutai is terrified of chocobos."

Impossible. Sephiroth wasn't scared of anything. "You're making that up."

"Afraid not. You're the only chocobo he'll go near."

He gave Genesis' shoulder a shove. "Quit making fun of me," he pouted.

Suddenly, the commander snapped his fingers. "I remember; I received it from Tseng," he said, sounding quite pleased with himself.

Cloud blinked. "Tseng?" he repeated. "You mean that Turk guy with the dot on his forehead?"

"Yep," Genesis nodded. "It was for a Secret Santa thing Shinra tried one year... Tseng probably had one of his assistants go grab the first thing off a convenience store shelf they could find."

"He gives me the creeps," he admitted.

"Those Turks... some of them don't seem normal," Genesis agreed. "And that's coming from a SOLDIER First pumped full of Mako."

"I ran into Tseng the other day on the way to deliver some papers to Director Lazard. The way he looked at me..." A shudder ran down Cloud's spine. "It was like he knew some huge secret about me that he was going to use to ruin my life."

Giving him a sympathetic smile, Genesis motioned towards his weapon rack. "Don't worry, Cloud. Rapier can slice through Turks like tin foil."

The mention of metal gave the blond a very unwelcome mental image. "Y-You don't suppose Tseng is... is a _robot_, do you?"

"Probably," Genesis snorted. "Why do you think he wears that suit all the time? I have never, repeat _never_, seen that man out of uniform. Neither has anyone else."

"How does he take showers, though, if he's a robot?"

One copper-colored eyebrow raised. "You think robots take showers?"

"O-Okay, well," Cloud blushed in embarrassment for being so daft, "I know he bleeds, so he's got to be part human."

Genesis contemplated. "Perhaps he's a cyborg."

Cloud swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. "Wh-what if Professor Hojo is conducting some sort of human-robot experiment and he's going to turn us all into cyborgs and try to take over ShinRa?"

A silence descended upon the two of them as they stared at the floor, where several flights below them lay the science lab.

Finally, Genesis cleared his throat. "Perhaps... Perhaps you and I ought to pay Hojo a little visit," he rasped. "After all, there's no point in continuing to search for the gift of the Goddess if the war of the beasts is going to bring about the world's end and... forever... forestall... our return." Blinking a few times, Genesis gave Cloud a shocked look.

The cadet blinked back. They'd obviously been cleaning for too long of the redhead was beginning to botch _Loveless_ like that.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** I recently took an interest in cyborgs. They're cool, if you can get past the fact that their organs are still somehow able to function under all that metal...But seriously. I could. Not. Think of a reason WHYYYYY Tseng would give Genesis a stuffed chocobo. Or anything at all for that matter.

Oh dear, what else could Hojo be concocting down in that laboratory of his?**  
><strong>

**_RegenesisX_**


	7. Ghosts

**Author's Note:** Thanks to Zarannya for suggesting this theory! I've been wanting to do a ghost one, and I enjoyed writing this SO SO much.

_Edited 9/11/11_

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FFVII.

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversation<strong>

_"S-Someone's sleeping in there! Maybe... I should leave him alone." ~ Zack Fair_

Cloud planted his feet at the top of the hidden stairwell and stubbornly refused to move. "I'm not going," he stated.

"And why not?"

"It's dark and creepy and probably crawling with monsters."

Rolling his eyes, Genesis waved Rapier in the air. "That's why I brought this. It'll double as a flashlight while skewering those monsters you're so worried about."

The fact that the redhead was a Mako-enhanced SOLDIER First did nothing to quell Cloud's fears. He wasn't going down there; that was all there was to it. "You can go down," he said, "but I'm going back to the inn."

Genesis narrowed his eyes and stomped back up the few stairs he'd already descended. "You wanna make SOLDIER, don't you?" he questioned.

Pulling his gun to his chest, Cloud nodded suspiciously.

"No one is going to care if you're 'scared' to go on a mission in SOLDIER," Genesis told him, jabbing at his chest. "And believe me, if you think Shinra Mansion is scary, you might as well stay here in Nibelheim when the rest of us leave."

Memories flashed through Cloud's mind and he recalled that the last time he'd done something reckless, he and Tifa had fallen from a bridge into a ravine. How disappointed she'd be if he told her he wasn't brave enough to even remain in the regular army! Then again, he wouldn't be much use to her if he froze up and got himself killed.

The commander was getting impatient while Cloud did his reminiscing. "As your superior officer, I could simply _order_ you to accompany me."

Of course, refusing orders could get him kicked out of ShinRa, and that would be even _more_ embarrassing. Sighing, Cloud relented and stepped onto the winding staircase. Genesis smirked and grabbed his wrist, pulling the startled blond down with him. Cloud scrabbled to keep up.

It was pitch black at the base of the stairs and after some shameless begging on the cadet's part, Genesis made good on his promise and took advantage of Rapier's magic abilities to turn the sword into a torch. The soft fuchsia glow revealed there to be a long tunnel ahead of them. Cloud glommed onto the redhead's arm.

"I don't see why you're so anxious," Genesis commented, effortlessly slicing through a pair of Dorky Faces with his free hand. "It's exactly like a cave."

Blue eyes darted back and forth, stretched as wide as they could go, searching the shadows. "You'd be scared too if you grew up in Nibelheim," he muttered, squashing closer to the commander as another Dorky Face fluttered by.

"I doubt it," Genesis laughed. "There was an underground mine in Banora that I used to explore all the time. And with the amount of raw Mako springs there, the monsters were _much_ fiercer than these."

"It's not the monsters I'm worried about." A sudden roar echoed from up ahead, causing Cloud to whimper and cling to Genesis for all he was worth.

Raising an eyebrow, the commander stared down at him. "Not the monsters, eh?" he scoffed, wriggling as he attempted to dislodge the blond. "Cloud—I can't be of any use if I can't move."

"S-Sorry," he stammered as he reluctantly let go of his death-grip on Genesis' coat. "It's just... if y-you lived here, you'd know the r-rumors."

The redhead's step faltered and he glanced over at Cloud. "What rumors?"

"They say there's a g-ghost that haunts this mansion." He shuddered, nervously dancing in place. "That's why no one was ever allowed to go down here."

Genesis snorted and rolled his shoulders back. "It's probably just an excuse to frighten children out of poking around here here," he said. "Besides, there's no such things as ghosts."

"You don't know Nibelheim very well," Cloud said, ducking as Genesis swung his sword at some bats. "A long time ago, some human experiments took place down here and the ghost is the dead spirit of one of those experiments. It lurks down here in the hidden passages, waiting to get its revenge."

"Are you intentionally trying to freak yourself out?" Genesis blurted. Turning, the commander leaned into Cloud's personal space. "Do you know what the most dangerous thing in this mansion is?"

"U-um... That multicolored, shapeshifty, mutant thing hiding upstairs?"

"_No._ The most dangerous thing in this mansion is _me."_

Cloud yelped as Genesis suddenly bowled into him, knocking him to the floor. Panicked that he'd gotten the commander irreversibly angry, he rolled onto his back to prepare for his imminent doom. What he didn't expect to see was Rapier lodged through the chest of a Sahagin. Genesis yanked the blade out and the creature dropped to the ground beside Cloud. The tip was then pressed to the blond's throat. Blood dripped from the sword onto his uniform.

"And you would do well to remember that," he growled. "Not shapeshifty mutant things, and _especially_ not a stupid ghost."

Cloud sighed in relief when Genesis huffed and moved on. Something he'd said set the commander off, he decided, but he was reacting as though he felt threatened. Because when Genesis felt threatened, he got defensive and stabbed anything that moved.

"You're not... afraid of ghosts, are you?" he called.

"Of course not!" Genesis snapped, all to quickly. "Ghosts don't even exist, therefore being afraid would be pointless."

The cadet pulled himself to his feet. "But if they did, would you be scared?" he asked, jogging to catch up the the commander, who had halted to examine a door. "After all, you can't just blast them away with a fireball."

"You can't ask me to answer that. I've never faced a ghost before, so I have no idea of my reaction." Foregoing caution, Genesis ripped the door open. The heavy metal lock barring it shut simply snapped in half from the force, and Cloud once again found himself in awe of the SOLDIER's utter brute strength. "Dear Goddess, what the hell is this place?"

Cloud poked his head through the doorway and felt his heart drop straight to his knees. Sitting innocently inside the hollow room were wooden coffins. "D-Do you suppose the g-ghost is a v-vampire?" he squeaked as he trailed behind Genesis into the room.

"How awful would that be," the redhead scoffed, "to be stuck down here with nothing but those grotesque monsters to feed on?"

Approaching one of the coffins, Cloud ran a trembling hand over the top of it. His glove came back coated with dust. What if there really were vampires down here, waiting for unsuspecting Nibelheimers to wander down and drink their blood? Unsuspecting victims... just like them?

Teeth fastened into his neck and Cloud screamed.

In sheer terror, the cadet blindly flapped his arms and continued to shriek at the top of his lungs. Shiva, he was going to die! He hadn't even made it into SOLDIER yet! Tears began to run down his cheeks at the thought of Tifa finding him dead and rotting on her doorstep, still just a lowly infantryman...

One of his hands landed a hit and the thing released him. Brandishing his gun, Cloud whipped around to face-

Genesis, rubbing his cheek and laughing so hard he was hiccuping.

"Y-You, _hic!_ should've seen yourself!" he jeered, pointing a shaky finger at Cloud. "Gaia, I wish I'd _hic!_ brought a video camera!"

Stamping his feet and letting out a wail something akin to a siren, the blond charged him. "You _jerk!_" he screeched, throwing poorly-aimed hits at Genesis. "I hope you get skinned alive and dipped into Mako!"

"Cloud, calm down," the commander chuckled and caught his wrists. "I couldn't help myself. I apologize. I won't do it again, I promise."

The cadet sniffled and allowed Genesis to ruffle his hair until his breathing had returned to normal. "You're very mean," he grumbled.

Genesis patted his shoulder and stepped away. "Yes, I know. I've been told." Much to Cloud's dismay, he walked over to one of the coffins, slipped the tip of Rapier under the lid and began to pry it open.

"Wh-what are you doing?"

"You've got me curious now," he replied. "If what you say about human experimentation is true, then we should at least find skeletons in these coffins."

A wave of nausea passed over Cloud at the thought of seeing dead, rotten bodies. "Great."

The lid finally snapped open and Genesis pushed it aside. Both he and Cloud turned white as ghosts at the sight that greeted them.

"I-I thought you weren't going to play j-jokes anymore," Cloud rasped, his throat going dry.

Genesis sucked in a sharp breath. "Oh, g-good. You c-can see it too."

But the redhead hadn't suddenly developed teleportation powers. No, the black-haired man inside the coffin was just as real as the wooden box he slept in. Unless Cloud was just having a freakishly graphic dream, but he doubted it.

Just then, red eyes snapped open.

"Oh Gaia," Genesis whispered.

Tifa watched from her bedroom window as a man in a red-leather coat streaked by into the village. A distance behind him, a blond teen in a ShinRa uniform struggled to keep up, waving his arms and screaming 'Wait for me!'

_Those Midgar people sure are weird_, she mused, shutting her curtains. But that blond guy certainly looked familiar...

Deep below the Shinra Mansion, Vincent Valentine pulled the lid back onto his coffin. Why did he get all the weird visitors? Perhaps he'd ask Chaos.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> Ahh, Genesis. Not quite as brave as you pretend, eh? The multicolored shapeshifty thing I mentioned is Lost Number, by the way, if in case you were wondering.

I love freaking Cloud out. Evil!Genesis is amazingly fun to write.

**_RegenesisX_  
><strong>


	8. Merman

**Author's Note:** Thanks to FaeryMage for putting this idea into my head, and this may or may not answer the question of what Reno does at nighttime, depending on how you think about it. This takes place almost directly after 'Witches', since I forgot to dye Genesis' hair a different color in either of the last two chapters. So, our dear Red General is now light blond.

_Edited 9/11/11_

**Thanks to all those who have reviewed and given me suggestions! You guys are truly the ones who have made this story what it is! Cyber-cake for you all!**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FFVII, and I had to look up mermaids on Wikipedia.

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversation<strong>

_"It seems you _do_ have something to hide." ~ Yazoo_

After completing a grueling mission involving three Zoloms, an angry cactuar, and a whole squadron of Thirds snickering at his new hair color, Commander Genesis Rhapsodos was beyond exhausted. The very_ last_ thing he wanted to do when he returned to Midgar was get hauled off to Director Lazard's office. It seemed two 'anonymous' sources were accusing him of less than honorable conduct while on the field. He, in turn, informed the Director that his subordinates obviously held some sort of grudge against him because he was a 'high-class, rich kid' and didn't deserve his office, and blamed their burns on an encounter with a dragon.

Seething, Genesis stormed back to his apartment, still in his muddy, blood-spattered clothes and simply _itching_ for an excuse to kill someone. He kicked open his door and stomped across his living room, ignoring the fact that he was tracking dirt all over his carpet. The red-leather coat was shrugged from his shoulders and tossed on the floor, quickly followed by his damp shirt, left boot and right boot.

"I should've used Hell Firaga instead of Flash," he grumbled. "And then, while they were paralyzed with status ailments, I could've just stab, stab, stabbed them both with Rapier-"

His bathroom door suddenly flung open and a chocobo darted out, quickly slamming it shut again. No, it wasn't a chocobo. It was none other than Cloud Strife, who looked rather uneasy as he flattened himself against the door.

Genesis was immediately suspicious.

"H-Hi, Genesis," he stammered. "I thought you weren't coming back until, uh, Monday."

The commander raised an eyebrow. "It _is_ Monday, Strife," he informed the boy. "You have twenty-five seconds to explain _how_ you got into my apartment and _what_ you are doing here."

"H-Hey, when did you dye your hair blond?"

"Twenty-three... twenty-two..."

"I, um," Cloud swallowed, eyes darting every which way, "told Angeal that I left my book here and, uh, needed it back. S-So he let me in."

_How is Angeal able to get in here?_ Genesis wondered, at a loss. _I've changed the lock seven times, and he _still_ manages to get in. _He shook his head. Dealing with his overly-nosy friend would have to wait until later.

"You don't look like you came here to retrieve a book," he commented, giving Cloud a glare.

The cadet's mouth opened and shut a few times before he finally patted the door. "I-I just had to use the bathroom," he said.

"Well, if you're quite done, how about you get out?"

Once again, Cloud attempted to change the subject. "Er, what happened to all your clothes?" he asked.

"Do you think they were eaten by a marlboro?" Genesis snapped, throwing an arm in the air. "I want to take a _shower_, Strife! I'm dirty and bloody and pissed off as hell and I don't have the patience to deal with you. So leave. _Now._"

"Don't you want something to eat first?"

The metaphorical duct tape he'd used to hold his temper in was beginning to tear in places it shouldn't. "I am going to blast you _and_ that door into _OBLIVION_ if you're not gone in the next two seconds."

"I'm sorry, Sir," Cloud sighed, "but I can't allow you to come in here."

In any other circumstances, Genesis might have been secretly proud of the kid's guts to stand up to him. But Cloud chose the wrong time to be stubborn, and let out a startled yelp as he was effortlessly shoved away from the door. Ignoring the blond's protests, the commander burst into the bathroom.

And screamed.

"What the _hell_ is all this... this... STUFF?" he exclaimed, unable to comprehend what he was seeing. Books and papers were strewn everywhere, covering the floor and the counter, and little containers were lined up on the edge of the bathtub. He marched over to pick one up and shrieked at the state of his beautiful bathtub.

"G-Genesis?"

"Why is there a fish in my bathtub?"

"Uh, um..."

"_Why is there a fish in my bathtub?"_ the bleached-blond commander yelled, blindly gabbing one of the bottles that read 'fish food' and lobbed it at Cloud.

The cadet didn't duck quickly enough and the plastic clipped him in the shoulder. "I'm sorry!" he wailed. "I couldn't find a bowl big enough and infantrymen don't have their own bathrooms! Leaving it with Zack just seemed irresponsible and Angeal wouldn't let me use his bathtub, but you were gone so I figured I'd just use yours until you got baaaaack..."

While the teen sniffled and sobbed over his untimely demise, Genesis stared down at the bright purple fish. It stared back with unblinking eyes, lazily swishing its tail as it swam in idle circles. Were it not for this _stupid_ creature, he'd be relaxing in a nice, hot shower. Instead, he was forced to deal with a hysterical chocobo-brain who'd trashed his bathroom. That was all it took for him to lunge at the fish.

"No!" Cloud cried, rushing to grab at Genesis' arm in an attempt to keep the commander from killing his precious pet. "Don't hurt him!"

Ordinarily, there would be nothing a mere cadet could do against a SOLDIER First. But Genesis was beyond exhausted and pushed _way_ past his limits emotionally, and the fish was quite fast without Cloud practically yanking his arm off. Before the blond could react, Genesis snatched up both of Cloud's wrists with one hand and forced his head down over the water. The fish approached the hovering face, curious.

"Why?" Genesis demanded. "Before I lose whatever scrab of sanity I have left and drown you, Cloud!"

"I think Reno's a merman!"

The utter _absurdity_ of the response shattered the haze of rage. "What?" Genesis snorted, completely incredulous. There was no way he could have heard that right-

"Reno is a merman!"

Or maybe there was. "Are you saying you've somehow turned Reno into this fish?" the commander scoffed, jolting Cloud a little closer to the water. "You're a genius, Strife."

Squirming, the cadet shook his head. "N-No, I think he turns into a merman when he's in water," he panted, "and I wanted to study the habits of fish, s-so..."

"You put one in my bathtub," Genesis finished, nodding. "Tell me, Cloud, what makes you think _Reno_, of all people, is a merman? Why not, say, Sephiroth?"

The eerily calm tone the commander had suddenly taken on seemed to have startled the cadet into silence. Genesis watched him closely, trying to determine if Cloud was actually serious about this.

"Well..." he began slowly. "Zack told me he takes a lot of baths. Not showers, _baths._ So he could easily be sitting around with a fishtail in the tub."

Imagining Reno with a mermaid tail brought a smirk to Genesis' lips. What color would the tail be? After all, the Turk was anything but a natural redhead. Unlike himself, who was now experiencing the misfortune of being an unnatural blond. He gazed at a few of the bleached strands and sighed.

"Reno's eccentric," he snapped, "and never grew up. He probably still plays with rubber duckies and toy boats, too."

"But three baths in one day?" Cloud asked. "That's overkill, don't you think?"

"Gaia, how do you know how many baths he takes in a day?"

"I staked out his apartment last week."

Genesis arched an eyebrow. "Ignoring your rather... _stalker-esque_ behavior, that still doesn't prove anything other than Reno is obsessive about cleanliness." He dropped Cloud another few centimeters, letting him know he was running out of time.

"What about his humming?" the blond said quickly. "He hums _all_ the time. And I read in those books that singing was how mermaids or sirens used to lure fishermen to them so they could drown them and devour them!"

It was true that Reno annoyed even the most placid in ShinRa with his constant humming, but that still didn't prove anything. "Oh no!" Genesis mock-cried. "Reno's going to hum to us and drown us in... what? Mako?"

Cloud whimpered as the tip of his nose touched water. The purple fish came to greet him, kissing his skin. "It's not _us_ I'm worried about. Haven't you paid attention to how much of a ladies' man Reno is? They're drawn to his merman charm!"

Biting his tongue, Genesis tried to keep from laughing aloud.

"If we don't expose the truth, who knows how many will fall victim to his evil plot? And how many innocent lives have already been taken? Reno must be stopped!"

"We?" the former redhead echoed. "You and what army?"

"Well, you're going to help me, aren't you—_BLUUUUUB!"_

Bracing his foot on the edge of the bathtub, Genesis let Cloud's face sink into the water. The cadet thrashed wildly about, struggling with everything he had to get free. It was pathetic, really. Leaning over, the commander spoke near Cloud's ear.

"I have a _brilliant_ idea," he hissed. "Why don't you take your fish and your research material _out_ of my bathroom before I drop you in there and electrocute you both with Hell Thundaga, kapeesh?"

And with that, he hauled the cadet back out and deposited him on the bathmat. Cloud hacked, trying to catch his breath.

"Alright," he gasped, "I'll go! But what am I supposed to do with Bubbles?"

"You named-" Genesis cut himself off. "Nevermind. I don't care what you do with it."

"But Angeal..."

"Get rid of the fish."

"And Zack..."

"Get rid of the fish."

"And I don't think Sephiroth..."

"Get _rid_ of the fish."

"But _where?"_ Cloud pouted.

"Do you really think I give a damn?" Genesis exclaimed. "Look, if you're so freaking adamant that Reno is a merman, why don't you give it to _him?_"

Much to the commander's utter disgust, Cloud positively lit up at the suggestion. "That's a great idea," he grinned, standing up to throw his arms around Genesis. "You're a genius!"

"I'm aware," he huffed, reluctantly patting the other blond's back.

"Yes, Sir!" Cloud chirped. "Yeech." He made a face as he pulled away, sticking out his tongue. "You're really gross. You should take a shower."

Genesis screamed. "_GET OUT!"_

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Cloud sure seems to have his life threatened a lot. That quote of Yazoo's at the beginning was a stroke of genius, because I was going through all the different versions of scenes between him and Reno for about five minutes, and I _finally_ remember that line. Thanks, Yazzy, for giving me an applicable quote!

You got any theories you want Gen and Cloud to make weird attempts at solving? Leave a review! Or you can also just tell me how awesome I am.

_**RegenesisX**  
><em>


	9. Soup

**Author's Note:** So this chapter's theme is 'vampire's needing permission to enter,' sort of inspired by the last chapter. This chapter actually has a little bit of plot thrown in, so. Be prepared. 'Intelligent Conversation' is sort of going somewhere. ZOMG.

_Edited 9/11/11_

**Disclaimer:** I don't own. I probably shouldn't.

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversation<strong>

_"Don't make me regret this, Zack." ~ Angeal_

"Do you have any aprons?"

"What do you need one for? We're just making soup, not baking."

"Believe me. It's better if I wear one."

"In that case, check in the top drawer by the fridge."

Rummaging through the drawer, Cloud finally found a purple and blue floral-print piece of fabric shoved at the back. He pulled it out, revealing it to be an enormous apron. It would completely swallow up his tiny frame if he wore it.

"This is huge!" he whimpered, putting his head through the neck strap. The top of the apron barely reached his ribcage and the bottom dusted his ankles.

Genesis glanced over at him, then quickly turned away. "Ugh, that's grotesque," he muttered.

"Why do you have it then?" Frowning, Cloud pulled it up to where it should have sat across his chest and tried to tie the straps in the back, but the fabric overlapped on each side by at least two inches.

"It's Angeal's," the commander replied, sticking his head inside the cupboard as he searched for the right pot.

_No wonder it's so big,_ Cloud thought with a grimace. "Why don't you just get your own if you think it's so ugly?"

Banging came from the cabinet and Genesis finally emerged with a large metal pot. "I have no need for an apron because I never bake," he said, slamming the pot down on the counter. The noise made Cloud jump. "In fact, I _hate_ cooking with every fiber of my being. But the quality of food in Midgar sucks, therefore I am forced to make my own if I want anything halfway decent. And don't even get me _started_ on the meat; I will _always_ be a vegetarian so long as I live here."

"That still doesn't explain why you have Angeal's apron." After much brow-furrowing and tongue-biting, Cloud managed to get the strings to wrap around his waist so he could tie them in front. But now the top part of the apron gaped since the neck strap way still too long. "Could you tie a knot in the back of this?" he asked.

"The reason Angeal's apron is in my apartment is he so _graciously_ decided to leave it here for when he comes back to bake in my apartment," Genesis said sourly, moving to stand behind Cloud and fuss with the neck strap. "What's wrong with his _own_ kitchen?"

The apron was suddenly yanked up to his throat. Cloud panicked, fearing the commander might not realize what he was doing and strangle him. "Not so tight!"

"Sorry," Genesis apologize, loosening the apron. "But honestly, _what_ is Angeal's deal?"

Cloud shrugged, moving to the cutting board where Genesis had set out kale for him to chop. "Maybe he just likes company while he's baking," he suggested. "Or he doesn't want Zack hanging over his shoulder."

"Well, I suppose it's not so much that I mind him using my kitchen," Genesis said as he filled the pot with water, "but that he's somehow magically able to get into my _locked_ apartment without a key card or passcode. It's ridiculous!"

Pausing with his knife in mid-air, Cloud blinked. Angeal broke into Genesis' apartment? Wouldn't that be against the man's code of honor? He stared at the green leaves. Well, this was_Genesis_ they were talking about... Pursing his lips, he resumed chopping.

The commander continued to rant as he lifted the pot onto the stove. "I have changed my lock _seven times_ in the past _two_ years and he still manages to get in here," he fumed. "Just yesterday I changed it again, but it'll only be a matter of time before I find him in here, baking cookies or some other atrocity."

"You don't like cookies?" Cloud asked.

"Sure I like cookies, I just don't like when they're made by SOLDIER Firsts who break into my apartment."

It really was a bizarre conundrum, the cadet had to admit. "Does he override the system somehow?"

Genesis laughed. "As if Angeal were technologically savvy enough to do _that_," he scoffed. "And I highly doubt he has any friends in the Turks who would be willing to unlock my apartment on a weekly basis. I swear, it's like he can walk through walls."

The two fell silent, both lost in thought while they worked. Cloud finished chopping the kale and grabbed as much that would fit in his hands to throw in the water. Genesis fished around in the refrigerator for the potatoes.

"Cloud... what do you know about vampires?"

Surprised, the cadet turned to see Genesis leaning against the counter, bag of potatoes in one hand, a clove of garlic in the other. "What specifically?"

"Vampires can get in and out of locked rooms without difficulty, can they not?" the commander asked.

Cloud nodded, beginning to see where Genesis was going with this. "Yeah," he answered.

"What about... people's homes?"

"Once they're invited in, they can come and go as they please."

Mako-blue eyes narrowed to slits and the bag of potatoes was tossed onto the counter. "Slice those into chunks," Genesis barked. He plucked more garlic from the basket. "I hope you don't mind garlic, Cloud, because there's going to be lots of it in the soup."

The cadet giggled. "Are you going to give some to Angeal?"

"It's only fair, since he's _always_ baking things for me."

Sharing a conspiratorial smirk, the two set to work once again. An hour later, the soup was bubbling away. The stench of garlic was _very_ prominent.

"So, the SOLDIER evaluations are coming up," Genesis was saying as they lounged on the couch. "Are you excited?"

The cadet rolled his eyes. "Try absolutely terrified. I mean, what if I'm not good enough?"

Genesis deadpanned. "You've been training with me," he said. "How could you _not_ be good enough?"

"I have no idea," Cloud sputtered, imagination roaring to a start. "What if I trip and accidentally impale myself on a sword? Or I die from being injected with Mako? Or I get eaten by a Flan monster?"

"Then you'd be dead. Since none of the above are going to happen, I'd say you have nothing to worry about. I'm recommending you to Director Lazard myself, and you're already more advanced in sword work than any of the rookie Thirds."

The commander was doing all of that for him? "Really?" he dared to hope.

Genesis gave him a rare, honest smile and nodded.

"I... I-I don't know what to say!" he stammered, eyes going wide. "How can I ever repay you?"

"Well... you could say you'll move in with me when you become a Third, for starters."

Whether it was the tone Genesis used or the way his smile turned a little dark, a few of the gears in Cloud's mind got jammed together. Damage assessment was underway, but at the moment, he was beyond confused. "W-Wait a second. I didn't know we were dating. Why didn't you _tell_ me? I mean- I don't think my mother would approve of me moving in with someone before I'm married. Holy crap, you're not asking me to marry you, are you? Oh Goddess, I didn't even know you swung that way... or maybe I did, but I forgot... Could I have some more time to think about this?"

The commander blinked at him, then got up off the couch and held a hand out to Cloud. "I want to show you something."

Taking Genesis' hand with caution, Cloud allowed himself to be pulled to his feet. Was the redhead-turned-blond going to lock him in a closet somewhere and have his evil way with him? Oh Gaia, he wasn't ready for this! He was only sixteen! Wasn't that illegal? Or were Midgar's age laws different? After all, he joined the army nearly a year ago...

He was led to a doorway and the commander threw an arm over his shoulders. Cloud shivered.

"Do you see this room?"

The cadet nodded.

"Do you know what this room is?"

"Uh... the study?"

"Yes, it is the study. But it is also my spare room. I've turned it into a study because I had no need for a second bedroom."

_Where is he going with this?_

"Are you aware of the mentorship program they've recently put into place?"

"Er... that's the one Zack and Angeal are in, right?"

Genesis nodded. "Very good, Strife," he praised. "I had intended, should you consent, to take you on as my apprentice once you were accepted into SOLDIER, but if you'd rather not, I understand. Even though that would mean _all_ of the work I've done with you would be for virtually nothing."

A blush crept up to Cloud's cheeks as he realized how stupid he'd been. Of _course_ Genesis wanted to mentor him. It was all he could to do to stop himself from banging his head into the wall. "Oh," he finally managed. "Uh, um... I'm sorry."

"Mmhmm."

"A-And I'd like very much to become your apprentice..." he trailed off. "I don't know how you put up with me."

"You're lucky I'm patient and have a good sense of humor," the commander scoffed.

Cloud opened his mouth to point out that Genesis was the exact _opposite_ of patient and tended to lose all sense of humor when he got angry, but made the intelligent decision not to say anything about his hypocritical ways.

"Am I asking to marry you," Genesis chuckled, poking him in the side. "Someday you'll have to enlighten me as to how your brain manages to work when it misfires so often."

Frowning, Cloud jabbed a finger at the taller blond's stomach. He yelped, recoiling his hand in pain. "What do you eat?" he moaned. "Bricks?"

Genesis looked down at his stomach and smoothed his shirt. "What? No."

"Your abdomen muscles broke my metacarpal!"

"Excuse me?"

"I'll never make it into SOLDIER without my metacarpal! It's all your stupid stomach's wall-like properties' fault!"

"Oh, shut up. Your 'metacarpal' is fine. Go check and see if your cerebellum's inability to function correctly hasn't caused the soup to boil over."

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Oh yes. Cloud is going to move into Gen's spare room and becoming his Padawan-ah, I mean apprentice. Because I want Cloud to make SOLDIER. :) I figure I owe him one.

Thank you for everyone who's suggested stuff, I have a nice, long list of ideas! But that doesn't mean I don't want more!

_**RegenesisX**_


	10. Dragons

**Author's Note:** Wheew, I burned myself out with all that writing I did at my aunt's. But here's the next chapter. It involves Bahamut and the theory of why dragons kidnap princesses, as well touching on the fact that virgins taste the best. Although, I didn't go very much into that and might do another chapter on it in the future.

_Edited 9/11/11_

**Warnings:** I was mean to Cloud again...

**Disclaimer:** FFVII is not mine. I want to ride a chocobo, though.

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversation<strong>

_"Summons aren't meant to be used like this!" ~ Zack Fair_

"So, I read a new book yesterday."

Predictably, Genesis' eyes brightened. "What book?" he queried.

"Not _Loveless,_" Cloud replied, rolling his eyes.

"Hmph. When you're my student, that is going to be the very _first_ thing I'll have you do. Read it, analyze it, read it again, then have a discussion and a test."

"Yeah, well..." He changed the subject. "The book I read was about a dragon who kidnapped a princess, and the hero had to fight the dragon to save her."

The commander snorted. "Who loaned it to you? Zack?"

"Angeal."

"Figures. He's into those kinds of sappy romance stories where they all live happily ever after."

As the two of them strolled along chatting about Cloud's book, SOLDIER members in the hallway turned to stop and stare. It was rare enough for the hot-tempered First to grace the floor with his presence, but to be engaged in pleasant conversation with a _cadet?_ It was completely unheard of. As far as anyone knew, the only thing Commander Rhapsodos used infantrymen for was to make sure his sword was still sharp.

Everyone kept well away, in case Genesis suddenly decided to commit mass murder. And when did he dye his hair blond?

Cloud tried to ignore the attention they were getting. "Why is it that dragons always seem to kidnap princesses?" he asked.

"Dragons are greedy monsters," Genesis said, "and they can get the best ransom for someone in the royal family. While the king would be the best candidate, there's always the possibility that he will have the strength to defeat the dragon. The queen would be surrounded by too many guards, but the princess is just young and naïve enough to be lured out and picked off when no one is looking."

Furrowing his brow, Cloud tried to remember if the dragon _had_ in fact asked for a ransom. Or if the dragon could even _talk._ "That seems awfully complex for a dragon."

Genesis shrugged. "Alright then, perhaps princesses just taste the best."

"Why would they taste the best?"

"Well, more often than not, they're virgins."

The cadet jolted to a halt. "Okay, seriously," he snapped. "What is it with mythology and virgins? It's cruel and unusual punishment to scare people into having sex so they won't get eaten or sacrificed. I fail to see how it would make a difference in how we taste or whether or not it would appease the gods."

"Oh Cloud," Genesis sighed, putting his hands on the shorter blond's shoulders. "My dear, sweet, innocent chocobo. You really have no idea, do you? I'll tell you what..."

Cloud instantly became wary.

"We'll go to the training room, I'll let Bahamut out, and we'll see which one of us he goes after. If he goes after your virgin little-self, my theory will be proved correct and I, the dashing hero, will come to save the princess' royal behind."

Shaking his head vehemently, Cloud jerked away. "No _way_ am I going to be the princess. I'm degraded enough as it is."

"Fine," Genesis scoffed. "I'll just find someone _else_ to be the princess. And I have the perfect person in mind. You can be my trusty steed instead."

"Wha-?" Before the cadet could high-tail it down the hall, he was dragged in front of Genesis and the commander hopped onto him, piggyback style. Cloud lurched forward, his face nearly colliding with the wall. More heads turned, trying not to laugh while the infantryman was almost crushed by the SOLDIER First. "_Gaia!"_ he gasped. "What are you doing?"

"You didn't want to be the princess, so I gave you a different role," Genesis replied, as if this were actually reasonable.

"_Gahh._" The cadet fought to keep his balance while trying to convince his legs not to buckle and have them both end up on the floor. "How about I be the hero?"

The commander laughed, causing his weight to shift again. "As if," he snorted, then jabbed a finger in the direction of the elevator. "Onward, chocobo!"

"_Wark._"

"Go, or you'll be my _bald_ chocobo."

And so Cloud got his daily workout carrying his six-foot, ridiculously heavy superior officer down the hall, up the elevator, and down a long line of offices. All he could think about was how glad he was that Genesis didn't make him take the stairs. Panting and sweating, the human chocobo was only too happy once they reached their destination.

The commander leaned over to poke a button on the keypad, making the door slide open to reveal the pristine office of General Sephiroth. Cloud paled as the silver-haired man glanced up, arching an eyebrow at their rather... odd arrival.

"New ride, Genesis?" Sephiroth asked.

The blond felt a piece of him die.

Genesis ignored his "chocobo's" embarrassment and waved at the general. "C'mon, we're gonna go play with Bahamut and we need someone to be the damsel in distress."

Much to Cloud's surprise, Sephiroth seemed to take it all in stride. "Should I bring the dress Reno gave me?

Maybe _too well_ in stride.

As it turned out, inviting the general was an extremely good decision. Bahamut quickly caught on that his summoning was not a dire life-or-death situation and his master just wanted to spar. The Dragon King, however, quickly noted that the little spiky-haired boy was on the brink of exhaustion already and thought him to be an easy lunch. It took the better part of an hour for Genesis and Sephiroth to beat him down, and a full three hours to get Cloud to come out from behind the weapons rack.

Genesis claimed his theory was proven, but both Bahamut and Cloud knew better.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Any more ideas to torture Cloud-I mean, uh, for Gen and Cloud to talk about? Leave them in a review! I looooooove you guys!

**_RegenesisX_**


	11. SOLDIER

**Author's Note:** This isn't so much of a conversation as it is an advancement of the plot that's suddenly decided to develop. But believe me, stupidity still roams freely. Involved in this chapter are trolls, the Loch Ness monster and Big Foot, since those were requested by quite a few different people. Hope you all enjoy!

_Edited 9/11/11_

**Warning:** *panics* It's my first time writing Lazard!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FFVII

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversation<strong>

_"So you wanna be in SOLDIER? Hang in there." ~ Zack Fair_

Director Lazard folded his hands underneath his chin and sighed. "So you think this cadet... Strife... is ready to move up into SOLDIER?"

"Yes," Commander Rhapsodos nodded vigorously. "I believe he would make a valuable asset to SOLDIER."

The blond man leaned back in his chair, giving Genesis a contemplative look. The redhead maintained his poker face, having been meticulously cultivated for instances such as these. A strong neutral expression was something absolutely necessary when dealing with the ShinRa higher-ups, and Genesis had already begun working with Cloud on it.

"What exactly gives you this opinion, Commander?" Lazard asked.

"Well, sir, he-"

"I _have_ looked through his file," he interrupted, "and what I've seen does not impress me in the least. He's undersized, doesn't handle a gun very well and does not perform adequately under pressure."

Genesis fixed the Director with a glare. "Strife isn't your run-of-the-mill SOLDIER candidate. I'm perfectly willing to admit that. But it's no reason to write him off, either," he said. "I've trained with him personally and he's much more capable with a sword than he ever will be with a gun. As for his size, it makes him all the more agile."

"While what you say might be true," Lazard said, narrowing his eyes, "that does not make up for his lack of conviction. I will _not_ have SOLDIERs running away in the face of a fight."

"Cloud Strife is an intelligent person, _Director_. He understands his duties better than any other cadet in his class and he does _not_ run away from his battles."

"How do you know?"

A smirk wormed its way onto his face. "I had him accompany me on a mission just recently," he replied, "and he proved to be most helpful."

The Director appeared only mildly interested. "Please explain."

"He was able to detect the presence of a marlboro before I did."

Alright, so perhaps that wasn't _exactly_ what had happened...

_Cloud skidded to a halt at the edge of the wooden bridge, nearly causing Genesis to slam into his back. Correcting himself before he knocked the boy down, the commander moved to Cloud's side and glanced around._

_"What's the matter?" he asked. "Why'd you stop?"_

_"Trolls," the blond whispered._

_Whatever it was, Genesis didn't want to deal with it. "Sorry?"_

_"Trolls!" Cloud hissed, pointing at the empty bridge. "They live under bridges like these and wait for innocent travelers to come along. Then they jump out and ask you questions, and if you don't answer them correctly, they eat you!"_

_Pinching the bridge of his nose, Genesis shook his head. "Look, Cloud," he sighed. "There are no such things as trolls, alright? I'm sure you've been exposed to monsters that resemble them, but they're not real."_

_"SHHH!" the cadet flailed his arms wildly. "It'll hear you!"_

_The redhead rolled his eyes. "What, will it get angry at me?" he snorted. He stuck Rapier's hilt under Cloud's nose. "The only thing a _'troll'_ is going to eat is the point of my blade. Now will you stop being silly?"_

_A deep grumble gurgled from beneath the bridge. Both Genesis and Cloud turned to stare. The blond jumped back, jabbing an accusatory finger at the commander. "You brought this upon us!" he screeched before sinking to his knees and clutching Genesis' leg. "I don't wanna be eaten!"_

_Another growl followed the first and the planks of the bridge began to splinter and crack as slimy green tentacles slithered between them, ripping the wood to shreds. Finally, large teeth chomped through the remains so the monster could pull itself up onto what was left of the bridge._

_Genesis glared down at the stunned chocobo wrapped around his leg. "That's a marlboro, you dimwit."_

_"I feel marginally better?"_

_The marlboro opened his jaws and released a eardrum-shattering roar._

_"That's mar-mar-speak for 'pick up your damn sword and help Genesis lob all of my tentacles off one by one and force them down my oversized throat,'" the redhead sneered, kicking Cloud off of him. "Get up, and we'll see how many of _my_ questions you can answer before this thing _dies_."_

"A marlboro?" the Director echoed.

Genesis nodded. "He did an excellent job of immobilizing the creature while I dealt the final blow."

One blond eyebrow raised. "Did he, now?"

"As I said, sir, he is much more handy with a sword. If I may continue, he also warned me about the presence of a Midgar Zolom in close proximity to a nearby village."

_Genesis made a face as green goo dripped from Rapier's blade. He'd done his best to shake the marlboro's guts off after they'd killed it, but the sticky substance still stubbornly stuck to his sword. Using a handkerchief he kept in his coat for emergencies like this, he began to wipe away the slime. Cloud stood a distance away, staring off into the lake._

_"It'd be kind of nice to come here on a camping trip sometime," he commented._

_"Don't say that to Angeal," Genesis snorted. "Otherwise we'll be back within a fortnight. Which is something I really have no desire to do."_

_The cadet tossed a frown over his shoulder. "Why, don't you like it here?"_

_Sighing, Genesis sat back and surveyed his surroundings. "It's alright, I suppose," he shrugged, "but all I'm concerned about right now is getting through this drag of a mission. Besides, I _hate_camping."_

_Cloud 'hmphed' and turned back to the water. The redhead returned to de-grossifying his sword. A minute later, the blond skittered to his side._

_"Th-there's something out there!" he said in a hushed tone, motioning to the lake._

_"Yeah? Like what, a fish? And it's _not_ a mermaid."_

_"I'm serious!" Cloud snapped, shoving Genesis' shoulder. "I saw ripples in the center of the lake and then this huge, scaled thing popped out of the water! It was like some psychotically giant snake!"_

_Genesis recognized the description immediately. "Zolom," he hissed under his breath, standing up from his stump and grabbing Cloud's wrist. "Come on, we have to find a clearing to lure it out of the water."_

_"Wh-what's a Zolom?" the cadet whimpered as Genesis dragged him through the trees._

_"Psychotically giant snake is probably the most accurate description there is."_

_Just as they reached a rather large grassy area, the Zolom chose to reveal itself, cannoning out of the lake. Water sprayed everywhere and large waves careened towards the shore._

_"It's the Loch Ness Monster!" Cloud shrieked, flailing as he was pulled farther onto the grass._

_"Dear Gaia, child, what the hell is wrong with you?" Genesis mumbled. He had enough time to give Cloud a pointed glare before the Zolom struck, lashing out in an attempt to snap at the commander. Genesis easily dodged, swinging the blond out of the way as well._

_Even as he used his momentum to propel himself into a roll, Cloud still carried on with his ridiculous superstitous ranting. "_Please_ don't eat me, Nessie!" he wailed, holding his sword out in front of him. "I didn't mean to call you psychotic! I'm sorry!"_

_"Shut up!" Genesis yelled, aiming a slash at the creature's tongue. "First rule about Zoloms: _do not_ let them bite you! You will_ die!"

_The monster decided the redhead to be too aggressive of an enemy, and refocused its attention on the cadet. Cloud simultaneously screamed bloody-murder and darted away from the Zolom's sharp fangs. "I'm too young to die!"_

_"Rule number two:" Genesis continued, "_do not_ let it cast Beta. You will _die."

_"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU STUPID LOCH NESS MONSTER!" Cloud shrieked, whaling his blade like a maniac and actually managing to slice cleanly across the monster's face. The monster recoiled, giving Genesis a window to dart over to the blond's side._

_"It's a _Midgar Zolom,_" he corrected._

_"Well it looks like Nessie to me!"_

_"Whatever. Just distract it long enough for me to cast Graviga."_

_"YOU WANT ME TO PLAY BAIT?"_

"A Zolom?" Lazard was beginning to sound more impressed. "I hear they can be quite formidable enemies. It was just you two on this mission?"

"Yes, sir. He saw it hiding in a lake and we were able to get to a safe enough location to fight it," Genesis explained. "Were it not for him, it would have undoubtedly caught us off-guard, and one of us might have been seriously injured."

The Director leaned forward in his chair. "And do you normally fight Zoloms on your own?"

"I have in the past, but due to the circumstances of it being in the water, it was necessary to lure it out onto dry land before I could use Graviga. It might have been impossible without his help."

"I see..." Lazard cupped his chin and stared down at his keyboard.

"And I believe I should also tell you about the Behemoth..."

_"Genesis!"_

_The commander groaned, dirty sword propped on his shoulder and a shredded piece of his precious coat dragging along in the mud. "What is it now?"_

_Cloud raced towards him, seeming too full of energy for someone who just spent nearly half-an-hour playing tag with the 'Loch Ness monster.' "Big Foot is somewhere in this forest!"_

_"Big foot," Genesis repeated, deadpan._

_Slowing to a stop, the blond adopted the expression of a scolded child. "Uh-huh," he said quietly. "I found tracks up ahead."_

_"Oh, you found tracks?"_

_Cloud nodded._

_"As if this mission wasn't mentally exhausting enough already," the redhead rolled his eyes. "Alright, show me these 'Big Foot' tracks you claim to have found."_

_The cadet scampered off while Genesis strolled behind, noting that the woods had become rather quiet. No birds were chirping, no little animals scurrying up trees. Something had scared them off. And it wasn't Cloud, because the chocobo-haired kid attracted small creatures like Snow White._

_"Here," he said, halting and pointing at deeply imprinted tracks in the mud._

_Genesis crouched down. "Well, they certainly are big feet," he said idly, sensitive SOLDIER hearing picking up the sound of heavy, steady breathing. "Are you sure it's Big Foot though?"_

_"Who else could it be?"_

_"Hmm," Genesis feigned contemplation. _Twenty meters back, slightly to the right. _"Are you sure it's not just a monster?"_

_The blond's eyes went wide. "I don't know. Are there monsters with that big of feet?"_

_"Perhaps," he shrugged, standing back up and clamping a hand on Cloud's shoulder. "Care to find out?"_

_"Huh? Wha-"_

_"Draw your sword, turn around _very_ slowly," Genesis murmured, "and you might meet your next 'mythological' creature of the day."_

"You ran into a Behemoth?"

"And not just any Behemoth, a _King_ Behemoth." Genesis beamed with legitimate pride. "Cloud was scouting ahead and discovered the tracks, and came back to warn me."

Lazard finally cracked a smile. "This mission is starting to sound like your mind was somewhere out to lunch."

"I thought it would be good to let Cloud take the lead for once," he shrugged. "After all, the only way you truly learn is through experience."

Silence fell between the two of them as Lazard leaned back again and folded his arms. Genesis waited impatiently for him to finish thinking and began counting in his head to pass the time. At 'ninety-seven,' the Director spoke again.

"If, hypothetically, Strife _did_ make it into SODLIER," he began, "you realize it would be difficult to place him into a class. From what you've told me, he's more advanced than the Third Class rookies, but his body type is still more suited towards an infantryman than a SOLDIER."

The redhead refused to let his hope fall so easily. "I am aware of this, yes."

"The only way I could see him succeeding in the program is if he had _someone,"_ the Director paused to glance up at him, "to mentor him personally."

"But you wouldn't just give him to a _brute_ Second Class," Genesis interjected. "He has the potential to be one of the top Firsts in the company, but only if he receives the correct training. A balanced mixture of high-level materia use as well as custom sword work. _Not _those clunky longswords."

Lazard chuckled. "And do you know someone particularly skilled in these arts whom you might suggest?"

"I think I have someone in mind," Genesis smirked. "Strife's waiting outside, if you'd like to speak with him."

"Yes, I believe I would."

Once on the other side of Lazard's office door, Genesis' aura turned stormy and he marched over to Cloud and jerked him up out of his chair. The blond blinked his large blue eyes in fear. "Did it not go well?" he squeaked.

"Oh, it went fantastic," Genesis growled. "I am the smoothest, most charming person on the entire Planet, and I know exactly how to get what I want."

"S-So why do you look like you want to snap my neck and tie me up with my intestines?"

"Because I want you to be _damn sure_ you're not going to mention anything about vampires, Big Foot, werewolves, mermaids, unicorns, trolls, _Nessie_ or any other nonsense that half-fried brain of yours continually comes up with," he spat. "I just spent the past forty-five minutes working your reputation up from 'six feet under absolutely nothing' to 'might possibly become something' and if you blow this chance, I'll make sure you get demoted to cleaning Hojo's bathroom."

Cloud nodded, completely terrified at the prospect of having to clean up after whatever gruesome monstrosities that might crop up in the Professor's toilet.

Setting the cadet down, Genesis pointed him in the direction of the office doors. "Think bright, future SOLDIER First Class thoughts," he ordered, "and you'll be fine."

"H-Hey, Genesis?"

"Hm?"

"Um, thanks," Cloud mumbled, shuffling his feet nervously. "You know, for doing this for me. You really didn't have to."

The redhead gave him a genuine smile. "You're going to make SOLDIER, Cloud. And I'm glad you know I'm under no obligation to do this for you, because otherwise I'm _sure_ you'd give Lazard cause to question your mental stability if I weren't somewhere in the back of you mind, threatening to brutally slaughter you six ways 'till Sunday."

The cadet stepped away. "Uh, right."

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Oh Genesis... at least he didn't outright lie. He just... avoided certain details. After all, Cloud's over-active imagination can be helped, right? Maybe not, if _I'm_ the one who's writing this...

Oh, and I've never actually fought a Zolom before. Or played FFVII. I just looked up its abilities. Huzzah. :D

Anyone have any theories about certain FFVII enemies? I think I've overused Behemoths, so if anyone's got any ideas about OTHER monsters, I'd loooooove to hear them!

_**RegenesisX**_


	12. Summons

**Author's Note:** Thanks to KHGiggle for suggesting this quite a number of chapters ago. But I'm using it now, since it fit in with the plot. PLOT ADVANCEMENT! YAY! I'm finally trudging my way through HCBailey's 'Let's Play Final Fantasy VII' and I was practically in HYSTERICS during the whole Don Corneo segment... Now, that doesn't have anything to do with this week's chapter, but it might in the future... *shifty eyes*

**Warning:** I reference another story of mine and two future works in progress.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FFVII, but I love it like Sephiroth loves his Mother.

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversation<strong>

_"If you want to be in SOLDIER, you need to have dreams." ~ Angeal Hewley_

It was always risky to walk around on the SOLDIER floor. Teenagers with battle training combined with Mako-enhanced strength tended to make things quite interesting for the ShinRa staff passersby. Occasionally, Commander Rhapsodos would make his presence known with a round of Firaga and several well-placed holes in the walls, and General Sephiroth only needed to step out of his office for all Hell to break loose as Seconds and Thirds tripped over each other in their haste to hop to attention. Even with all of the excitement, everyone in ShinRa had become accustomed, and some even looked forward, to such occurrences.

None, however, were prepared for the spiky-haired boy to come barreling out of the elevator and careen down the corridor as fast as his short legs could carry him, ramming straight through a brunette woman carrying a stack of files and a tray of coffees. Brown liquid sprayed everywhere, papers scattered in all directions and the secretary shrieked as she hit the ground with a _thud!_

The force with which he hit her caused Cloud to stumble, and he momentarily glanced over his shoulder to make sure she was still in one piece. He'd already downed two lab assistants, a group of infantrymen, Heidegger and this was his third secretary. Guilt nudged at the recesses of his brain, suggesting that perhaps he pause in his mad dash and help her up, but a loud flash of light followed by the shattering of glass and screams of agony wiped the thought immediately from his mind.

"Are my _'flame farts'_ making you laugh now? I don't _think_ so!"

"Genesis!" Cloud yelled at the top of his lungs, gasping for air as his endurance quickly began to run thin. "_Genesis!"_

The redhead turned away from the two Thirds picking glass shards out of their faces at the sound of his name being called. Cloud pushed himself into a dead sprint, charging headlong at the commander. At the exact last possible second, the cadet's right boot got a smidgen too close to his left, causing him to trip and crash straight into Genesis at full throttle.

Unlike the two lab assistants, infantrymen, Heidegger and secretaries, Genesis simply slid one foot back and caught him, giving Cloud the impression that he'd just smashed straight into a wall. Once his bones stopped rattling, the blond looked up and gave the commander the biggest, brightest, most sickeningly _happy_ smile he was capable of.

"I did it! I _did_ it!" he sputtered, trying to suck in air at the same time as he spoke. "I made it! I _PASSED!"_

Mako-blue eyes widened. "Oh my God. You _did?"_

_"YES!"_

"I freaking _knew_ you could do it!" Genesis squealed, pulled him into a crushing hug and swung him around. Even Cloud's motion sickness decided to take a day off in honor of the event. "Dear _Gaia_, you have no idea-"

The redhead stopped and abruptly pushed him away.

"Er, my office," he muttered, dragging the breathless blond behind him.

Cloud might have felt a little offended that Genesis was still unwilling to express any sort of enthusiasm towards anyone, even under these circumstances, but was mentally overwhelmed between his excitement and exhaustion. Once they were safely behind closed doors, the commander reattached himself to Cloud.

"You have _no_ idea how proud of you I am," he continued. "Just imagine, _my_ little chocobo, a SOLDIER!"

"I never could have done it without you," the blond said, hugging his mentor back with just as much ardor.

True to his form, Genesis did not allow the compliment to slip by without squeezing every ounce of life out of it. "Probably not," he snorted. "And to think that when I first saw you, all Sephiroth could comment on was how much you tripped."

"Gee, thanks Sephiroth," Cloud mumbled.

"You've just-" the redhead cut himself off to step back. "Goddess, I don't know what to say."

"Are you crying?"

"N-No," Genesis snapped, quickly wiping his eyes with the collar of his shirt. "Dammit, I'm allowed to this time, aren't I?"

The cadet giggled. "You're not going to get emotional like you did when you found that can opener, are you?"

"NO! And I would like to point out that I was practically _drugged_ at the time."

"Whatever you say, Genesis..."

Rolling his eyes, the commander strode over to his desk. "Well, I _was_ going to give you something in honor of the occasion, but if you don't want it..."

A smile from Genesis was rare, praise from him was highly unlikely, and a good review was borderline impossible. Cloud had earned all of these at some point or another, but a _gift?_ Now _that_ was unheard of.

"Y-You have something?" he peeped. "For me...?"

Genesis returned with a small red orb and placed it into the blond's palm. "This is a Summon Materia," he explained. "They're _extremely_ special to me, so please try to take good care of it."

Fireworks began to explode inside of Cloud's head. "S-Summon?" Genesis Rhapsodos just gave him a Summon Materia? He stared at the commander with eyes rivaling saucers, jaw slamming through to below the Plate.

"Yes. I figure it may come in handy since you have such a penchant for getting yourself into sticky situations."

"I...I... I can't believe this," the cadet stammered, ignoring the jab. "I can't even begin to thank you. This means so much to me..."

Smirking, Genesis shrugged. "It's not every day a _cadet_ gets handed something like this. But you can thank me by keeping Ifrit nice and safe while you have him."

"Ifrit?" Cloud echoed. "You mean he grants wishes?"

"What?" Copper-colored eyebrows drew together. "No, Ifrit throws fireballs."

The blond gazed at the scarlet materia in awe. "A genie who throws fireballs?" he gaped. "That's almost like having _you_ in Summon form!"

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?" Genesis demanded.

"Well, so far you're managing to make my dream of becoming a SOLDIER come true," he said, shrugging, "and you throw fireballs."

Groaning and rubbing his face, the redhead placed his hands on Cloud's shoulders. "Ifrit. Is _not._ A genie." He enunciated each word, making sure the blond heard. "If anything, he looks like a giant satyr that will rip your head off. He does not grant wishes."

"Oh." The cadet shrugged again. "I suppose fireballs are good too, then."

"Look... I know I probably don't want to know, but _where_ did you get the idea Ifrit would grant wishes?"

"The unicorn book said it was a type of genie, and everyone knows genies grant wishes!"

"I'd like to see this 'unicorn book' of yours sometime."

Cloud nodded. "Sure! But Zack has it right now."

"Oh Gaia," Genesis rolled his eyes, then shook his head. "If it's alright, I believe I'll hold onto Ifrit until you're moved out of the barracks. We wouldn't want anyone rubbing the lantern for wishes, as it were, now would we?"

The thought of the other cadets swarming him for a chance to get a wish from the genie made Cloud shudder. He handed Ifrit over. "Yes, sir."

"When is your lab appointment scheduled?" the redhead asked, tossing the materia up in the air and catching it again.

"Thursday," he grinned. Only three days. This was like Christmas and his birthday all rolled into one! "They gave me a small dose of Mako after the exams to make sure I wasn't allergic or anything, but so far I've felt fine."

Genesis' lips briefly twitched into a smile. "That's good. I'm leaving for a mission tomorrow until Friday morning, so I will be unable to accompany you."

A little piece of Cloud's enthusiasm deflated at the thought of Genesis not being there with him, but at least he had some other friends in SOLDIER. He could always invite Zack to tag along. Perhaps the Second's optimism would help him to not be nervous. "Do you know how long I'll have to stay there?"

"Several hours," the commander replied. "Possibly overnight. So, I may be back when you get out."

"Wow," Cloud breathed, blinking up at Genesis with wide blue eyes. "Just think! The next time you see me, I'll be SOLDIER Third Class Cloud Strife!"

The commander laughed and pulled him into another embrace. "Goddess help us all."

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** CLOUD'S GONNA MAKE SOLDIER! I can't tell you psyched I am. Gen's pretty happy too, it seems. Of course, Cloud just HAD to go and ruin it with that stupid unicorn book... I should really think of an actual name for it. Any suggestions?

As for those references, I'm sure all those of you who've read 'The Umbrella of Gas' recognized the 'flame fart' comment. Genesis' sobbing over the can opener he found is a bit of a teaser for a story involving his can opener obsession, and the mention of Sephiroth complaining about Cloud's tripping is something from the prequel to 'Intelligent Conversation' that I'm working on. XD

The next two chapters are still going to be plot advancements, but after that we'll return to the regular discussions. So! GIVE ME MORE SUGGESTIONS! You guys are all totally awesome!

**_RegenesisX_**


	13. Mako

**Author's Note:** This wasn't _really_ a suggestion, but "Mako treatments gone wrong" was a suggestion and it worked into the plot. This week, Intelligent Conversation will be featuring the one and only Zack Fair, since Genesis is away on a mission for the first half!

**Warnings:** My stomach got a little queasy while I was writing this, but I'm sick. So.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FFVII, and I don't know what Mako really does to people!

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversations<strong>

_"You average SOLDIER members are mako-infused humans. You're enhanced, but you're still human." ~ Sephiroth_

"I'm glad you could come with me."

"Hey, no problem, Spiky!"

Cloud edged a little bit closer to Zack as a man in a blood-spattered white coat rushed by, clutching his hand to his chest. "I've never been anywhere near this floor before," he murmured.

"Only authorized ShinRa personnel are allowed up here," the Second announced, winking at a clipboard toting woman. She rolled her eyes and continued walking. "Once you're a SOLDIER, you can go pretty much anywhere in the building. Of course, you'll have to come here every week to be examined for the first few months."

The thought of weekly visits to the labs made Cloud's stomach turn. "Do I really have to?"

Zack nodded, steering the blond around broken glass surrounding a mass that resembled a brain. "They've gotta make sure you're not gonna react badly to the Mako," he explained. "Years ago before they did the check-ups, this guy got promoted to SOLDIER and they found him disintegrated in his bathtub a few weeks later. The Mako ate straight through his bones and muscle tissue."

"Dis-disintegrated?" Cloud stammered, eyes going wide. "M-Mako can do that?"

"Yup. And that's not the worst it can do. This other guy got put into the Mako bath, and a few hours later he exploded all over the inside of the tank because he was severely allergic and all of his organs inflated."

Inside his own body, Cloud's stomach began to play paddle-ball with the muffin he'd just eaten. Listening to Genesis' constant gory descriptions had dulled his gag-reflex to a certain degree, but at least the commander rarely demonstrated any of them. There was no way he could plead with Mako not to eat him or blow him up, though.

Much to Cloud's dismay, Zack carried on like nothing was wrong.

"There have also been cases of severe Mako addiction," he rambled. "It's like morphine addiction, only ten times worse because if they get any more pumped into their system, it'll kill them. They have to be kept in the labs until they die or get over it, which doesn't usually happen."

Cloud paled, throat going dry. No one went over how deadly Mako was during the SOLDIER exams. "Uh, Zack..."

"I also heard that before they started doing Mako baths, they just injected the stuff straight into people's systems and it made them glow green for months. Could you imagine? Walking around looking like a night light?"

"Z-Zack..."

"I actually knew someone who was allergic to Mako and it made him itch like crazy. He never told the doctors and ended up scratching his skin off. Come to think of it, I never saw him after that..."

Shaking, Cloud pressed himself up against the wall. "I changed my mind," he whispered, clutching his stomach. "I don't want to join SOLDIER."

The Second halted and looked over at him, shocked. "But it's your _dream_, Cloudy!" he exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air. "And you know what Angeal thinks about dreams. How can you just change your mind like that?"

Leave it to Zack not to realize he'd just unconsciously paranoid Cloud out of following his dream. "I don't feel well," the blond mumbled, blindly fumbling for the nearest door. He darted inside and bent over the trashcan, vomiting his lunch.

The black-haired Second followed, thoroughly confused by his friend's sudden sickness. A greasy-haired man in a lab coat glanced up from mashing his face on his clipboard to stare at Cloud.

"Are you my next appointment?" the man tittered, shuffling over. "We _were_ going to have to pump your stomach, but it seems you're a step ahead of me already."

Zack crouched down beside him. "You okay, Spiky? Was it something I said?"

The blond opened his mouth to tell the Puppy that, yes, _indeed_ it was something he'd said, but the scientist spoke first. "You don't suppose he's having a reaction to the Mako, do you?"

And that was the last thing Cloud heard before he blacked out.

* * *

><p>Early Friday morning, Genesis was sluggishly puttering around his apartment, unpacking from his mission, when something thudded into his front door. Muttering about roasting whoever it was who dared disturb him, he was surprised when, upon opening the door, Cloud Strife fell face first onto his carpet. The redhead stared down at the boy for several moments, before nudging him with his toe. The blond grunted.<p>

Oh good, he was alive.

"Good morning," Genesis greeted, closing the door. "Everything went alright, I trust?"

Cloud rolled onto his back, blinking unnaturally-glowing eyes. "No," he pouted. "It was terrible."

"So was my mission. Come sit down and we can gripe together." The commander pulled the new SOLDIER to his feet and led his rather limp body over to the couch. "Now," he sighed, "what's the damage this time?"

"Well... I didn't want to go to the labs alone, right?"

"_I_ don't like going to the labs alone."

"So I ended up doing something really stupid and asked Zack to go with me."

Genesis snorted. "That was really stupid."

After sending him a glare, Cloud continued. "Everything was fine, right up until he told me I would have to go in for weekly check-ups. Then he started telling me all these horror stories about Mako treatments gone wrong and I got really freaked out. I don't think he realized he was scaring me, and I ended up losing it over the trash can in Hojo's lab."

"My poor little chocobo." He gave Cloud a sympathetic pat.

"That's not even the worst part! I woke up Gaia knows how much later and I was inside this glass tank filled with Mako and I _totally_ flipped out! They had to put me in a new tank because I accidentally punched a hole in the glass."

The thought of Cloud flailing around inside of his Mako tank made Genesis giggle. He covered his mouth, hoping the blond hadn't heard. But of course, his mind had to take it one step further and compare the kid to a panicking chocobo and couldn't contain his laughter.

"Why are you laughing?" Cloud demanded, crossing his arms over his chest. "I was terrified!"

Genesis barely managed to speak. "I just... you flapping around... like a deranged chocobo!" Then he burst into hysterics once more.

"Shut up!" Face turning red, the blond gave the commander's shoulder a shove and actually managed to knock the man onto the floor. "You wouldn't think it was so funny if you thought _you_ were going to explode!"

"SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION!" Genesis suddenly yelled, startling Cloud. "KA-POW!"

Through his mirth, the redhead eventually noticed Cloud had fallen silent. Forcing himself to calm down, Genesis finally sat up and noticed the tears streaking down the blond's face. He was sober in an instant, fury welling up at himself for making the boy _cry._

"Cloud, look, I didn't mean to be so insensitive," he said, getting back on the couch. "I never do, to you... I'm sorry."

The blond sniffled, looking up at him with watery eyes. "I was really scared, Gen," he whispered. "I thought I was going to die."

Genesis couldn't help but smile. "Hundreds of cadets have gone through the exact same procedure without trouble," he assured him. "Only extremely special cases have had negative reactions, and usually they can be cured. A lot of those 'horror stories' Zack told you aren't even true."

Wiping his tears, Cloud frowned. His eyebrows came together and for the first time, Genesis saw _real_ anger in his eyes.

"So, what say you and I spend our day off coming up with a ridiculously elaborate plot to get back at Zack for ruining your promotion?"

A few of the gaskets in the commander's brain blew when a positively _evil_ grin spread across Cloud's face. "_My soul, corrupted by vengeance, hath endured torment to find the end of the journey in my own salvation, and your eternal slumber."_ The blond blinked. "Did I get it right?"

Zack was going to die.

Zack was going to die a horrible, painful, agonizing death.

Genesis would make sure of it.

In fact, _anyone_ who dared lay a finger on Cloud would be mercilessly slaughtered.

...So long as Cloud survived the bone-crushing hug Genesis was giving him.

Thank the Goddess for Mako.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** I think Cloud should've kept his mouth shut. Quoting _Loveless_ to Genesis = INSTA-BFF.

Mmm... I love the sound of Sephiroth's voice. I kinda miss him. I haven't written/mentioned him in forEVER and it depresses me.

**_RegenesisX_**


	14. Alien

**Author's Note:** This took me, what, three days to write? I've been busy. And I'm trying to work on _Frozen Inside_ and another story at the same time, so this one got a little pushed to the side... Hehe, oops. All of you who mentioned ALIENS, well, this is for you. But don't worry, this will not be the last we hear of them :D

**Warning:** Ah... I upset Cloud again.

**Disclaimer:** Oh, _pleeease_ can I keep it? -.- Fine, SquareEnix... it's yours...

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversation<strong>

_"He's a mass of walking complexes." ~ Sephiroth_

"Hey Genesis?"

Genesis glanced up from his book to see Cloud standing in the doorway, chewing on the sleeve of his nightshirt that looked two-sizes-too-large. "Those are cute," he commented drily, eying the chocbobo-print fabric.

The blond peered down at himself and made a face. "They're from Zack," he said. "Are you... doing anything?"

Shaking his head, Genesis set his book aside. "Nothing of consequence. Why, what's up?"

"I can't sleep."

"I thought you were tired."

"Well I was, but once I got into bed I was wide awake..." Cloud gazed at him with humongous eyes. "Can we... talk? Or something?"

It was getting late and he had a meeting in the morning, but it seemed cruel to turn his new protege away when he was so obviously upset. The redhead motioned for the former cadet to join him on the bed. Cloud tip-toed into the room and sat down on the very edge, fussing with the sleeves that swallowed his hands. Genesis stared at him for several moments before leaning forward and dragging the boy across the comforter to sit next to him.

"Hey!" Cloud exclaimed, flailing. "What are you doing?"

"This is your home too now, and I feel guilty if you don't make yourself comfortable while I am," he barked. "So tell me. What's on your mind?"

"Why did you do it?" the blond blurted. "Why did you take me on as your apprentice?"

"Because it satisfied me."

Cloud blinked, and Genesis realized his response probably sounded a little odd.

"Even with your downfalls and shortcomings, you still had the drive to push through," he elaborated. "You put up with all of my yelling and ranting and actually got something out of it. I've enjoyed watching you succeed and it only seemed logical to continue the job once you joined SOLDIER."

The Third pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. "I'm glad you did," he said quietly, "because being SOLDIER is a little scary. I was laying there... and I could hear _everything_. They were just little noises, but I thought I was going to go insane because I couldn't tune them out."

Genesis gave him a sympathetic glance. "It's always hardest the first few weeks," he told him honestly. "But it'll get better, I promise. Once you get used to it, it'll feel normal."

"Do you think the other new Thirds are scared?"

"I'll let you in on a little secret," the redhead smirked, leaning over. "I was _terrified_ of my strength after I joined SOLDIER."

Lifting his head, Cloud gave him an incredulous look. "_You_ were scared?"

"Of course I was! I felt completely out of control of my own body. I broke nearly everything in my apartment just doing everyday things. It was maddening."

"I-I don't want to break anything," he stammered, immediately becoming apprehensive.

"That's why I'm here," Genesis replied. "To help make sure you know what you are now capable of doing. Besides, you don't have even a whisper of my temper."

Giggling, the Third nodded. "That's true." He then bit his bottom lip. "Thank you... you know, for doing this."

"I would never do it for anyone else, believe me," the commander scoffed, throwing an arm around Cloud's shoulders. "I'm just sorry I wasn't able to be with you in the labs."

Much like a kitten, the blond cuddled into Genesis' side at the rare show of comfort. "I'm sorry too," he said, shuddering. "That Hojo guy creeps me out."

_Hojo_. "There something wrong with that man," Genesis agreed.

"The whole time I was there—well, _awake_, I kept thinking he was suddenly going to morph into some kind of alien," Cloud admitted. "You know, the kind with the green skin, bug eyes and antennae?"

The redhead laughed, not for the first time imagining the shrunken scientist peeling his skin off. "He _must_ be an alien. Half the time he acts like he's never seen a human being before."

"Do you suppose he came in on a flying saucer, searching for life on other planets?"

"Hm... No, I think his home planet got sick of him and blasted him into outer space."

"He's probably the kind of alien that sucks out human brains," the Third muttered. "And that's why half the lower-class SOLDIERs are so stupid."

Genesis rolled his eyes. "I know who _he_ got to, then."

"Zack's smart!" Cloud whined, elbowing him in the side. "He's just... a moron sometimes."

"Whatever you say, Cloud."

The boy fell silent for a few moments, fidgeting with his sleeves again. Genesis idly ran a hand through his hair, attempting to flatten the gravity-defying spikes. He frowned when the blond strands sprung back into place. How did that work anyway?

"You don't suppose Hojo sucked any of my brain out, do you?" Cloud asked, once again giving him the startled-baby-chocobo expression.

"If he did, I wouldn't blame him," the redhead teased. "Young and tender brains are always the most delicious. In fact, you'd make a rather yummy meal in general."

He received a horrified look. "W-What?"

"Mm, yes. Hojo is probably just waiting to fatten you up a tiny bit before making you into his dinner. Probably at your next lab appointment."

"Genesis!" Cloud squawked, clinging to the commander in fear.

"Relax! I'm only joking," he reassured the trembling Third. "You know I'll have that scumbag at sword point the entire time, and if he tries anything funny he'll be sticking through the opposite wall."

Tears leaked from huge azure eyes. "B-But what if h-he's already done s-something?" he blubbered.

Sighing at the mess he'd talked himself into, Genesis hugged him. "I'm certain you're fine. After all, even if you _were_ unconscious, Zack was there with you. He may not be anywhere near the brightest bulb, but he'd _never_ let anything happen to you. He was probably watching Hojo like a hawk."

The blond sniffled a few times, wiping his eyes. "I guess you're right."

"Of course I am. And I'll even talk to Lazard about getting you switched to seeing Hollander instead. He's still a scientist, but he's not _nearly_ as _'Dr. Frankenstein'_ as Hojo."

Cloud squirmed. "C-Can I... sleep here tonight?"

"Well... I suppose so," Genesis shrugged after a moment. He really needed to stop scaring the poor kid.

"...You don't snore, do you?"

Offended at the mere suggestion, he shook his head vehemently. "Absolutely not."

"Oh," the blond said softly. "One of my bunk-mates used to. At first it was kind of annoying, but it started to get... comforting after a while."

"My breathing may sound like snoring, what with your hearing and all," the commander snorted. "A word of warning though, I _have_ been known to talk in my sleep."

Cloud snickered. "Really?"

"Yes, and that tidbit of information stays in this room. Because I know who's throat I'll be slitting if word ever gets spread around."

The Third nodded hastily. "I don't know _how_ you manage to still look intimidating in pajamas, but you do."

"It helps if you don't have oversized poultry on said pajamas."

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** And to quote HCBailey, Genesis... STOP TALKING! I know, I made Cloud cry again... I really do love him. He and Genesis' fluffiness as of late has been rotting my brain. Hopefully that will discourage Hojo from eating it.

Thank you ALL FOR READING, FAVORITING AND REVIEWING! Your support means so much to me, and it's you guys who are really keeping this story alive by being so awesome. I know I say this every chapter, but I love you guys. I really do. As always, feel free to leave whatever suggestions you have!

Coming up in the near future are discussions on Rude's sunglasses, why Sephiroth is afraid of chocobos, and more random vampire nonsense, as well as other stuff I haven't made a note about yet!

**_RegenesisX_**


	15. Knife

**Author's Note:** Thanks to Serenity and Chaos, and Rina Riku who suggested tonberries (and Sephiroth). This is also for GabesGirl, who has been BEGGING for this situation to happen, and frankly, so have I. Hope you like it!

**Warning:** Gen swears, but Gen's Gen.

**Disclaimer:** I only technically own the one dude I made up.

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversation<strong>

_"Howl in terror, ShinRa lapdogs!" ~ Genesis Rhapsodos_

The long metal blade sliced through the air in a smooth arc as Cloud practiced his kata. It was a simple exercise, but Genesis was adamant that he master each of the forms before moving onto the next. Once his foundation was solid, it would be much easier to perform the more difficult movements. At first, the commander's constant demand for perfection had discouraged him, but he soon realized it was making him into a much better warrior.

Genesis was also being surprisingly lenient with time, allowing Cloud as long as he needed to learn maneuvers. This was something the Third was extremely grateful for, since his cadet training had moved along much too quickly for him to actually absorb the information, leaving him frustrated and confused. Being one of the top Firsts in the company, the commander was unable to fully take on his training, but what sessions they had helped Cloud tremendously.

There were, however, a few negative side-effects to his situation.

"Well if it isn't Chocobo-Head."

Gritting his teeth, Cloud forced himself to focus harder on his kata.

"I haven't seen you in a while, Chocobo-Head. Have you been skipping out on classes?"

Jadak Avon was the only other blond in Cloud's class when he was a cadet. Unlike Cloud, however, Jadak was tall, muscular and made quite a number of ShinRa's female population swoon. He was also one of the biggest bullies in the entire regular army, and Cloud had become one of his prime targets. Ever since he'd been promoted to SOLDIER a few months earlier, he'd taken every opportunity to lord it over the smaller blond.

"When I heard you'd made SOLDIER, I thought I was getting my leg pulled," Jadak snorted. "I guess ShinRa is getting pretty desperate."

Cloud continued through his exercise, moving onto the next one once he'd finished and tried his hardest to ignore the other Third.

"After all, what kind of army promotes someone who cuts class?" Jadak paused, sticking his foot out. Unable to react quickly enough, Cloud tripped over it and earned snickers from the older boy's cohorts. "See how clumsy you are?" he jeered.

Before, he might have taken Jadak's teasing seriously. But Cloud knew for a fact that he was _not_ clumsy, at least, not very much anymore, and he had no need to seek the other boy's approval. Righting himself, the blond stubbornly proceeded with his kata.

A little flustered, Jadak took a different approach. "You do know that's a beginners' kata, right? Like, the first one you're supposed to learn? You must've missed a lot of classes if that's as far as you've gotten."

_Let's see _you_ do it this accurately._ Cloud fumed inside, aiming a particularly hard jab at the air. Suddenly, his sword was knocked from his grip and a rough shove sent him to the floor.

Jadak loomed over him. "It isn't very nice to ignore your superiors," he snapped. "Maybe this'll teach you a lesson."

One steel-toed boot slammed into Cloud's side, pain shooting through the blond's body. He braced himself for the next brutal kick, but it never came. Opening his eyes, he glanced up to see Jadak frozen stock-still with the tip of a crimson blade at his neck, held by none other than Genesis Rhapsodos. The commander's eyes positively _screamed_ for blood.

"Do you know who is currently threatening to snuff out your very existence?" Genesis asked in a low, dangerous tone Cloud had never heard him use before.

Jadak swallowed, Rapier eating a little bit into his skin. "N-No, sir."

"I'll give you a hint: I am the deadliest, most ruthless, destructive, cold-hearted killing machine on the entire planet, and the _only_ thing keeping me from relieving your body from that miserable excuse for a head is the fact that I do not want to commit murder in front of my student," he hissed. "You had better pray to Minerva that I never see you again, or else I may not be so forgiving. And if you go after Strife again, I'll _know _and nothing short of committing suicide will be able to save you."

As Jadak stammered out a shaking 'Yes sir,' Cloud realized that he hadn't ever seen Genesis _this_ angry before. Malicious glee perhaps, while he roasted those who dared to insult or laugh at him within his earshot, but never this humorless rage he was exhibiting now. And it scared Cloud more than anything else.

With a flick of his wrist, the redhead sliced clean across the older boy's back. Jadak yelped in pain, then nearly screamed as Genesis' foot connected with the cut and sent him flying to the ground. After giving the boy a burning glare, Genesis turned his attention to Cloud.

"Get up," he barked.

The small blond blinked, still trying to process what had just happened.

"Move!" the commander yelled. _"NOW!"_

Scrambling hastily to his feet, Cloud scurried after Genesis. The First's long strides ate up the distance to the door, forcing him to practically run to keep up. Once outside in the hallway, the very last thing Cloud expected Genesis to do was grab his shoulders and slam him up against the wall.

"What the hell do you think you were doing?" the commander demanded.

Cloud's jaw flapped, unable to form words. "I-I-I..."

"This isn't elementary school, Strife, where the bullies will just magically vanish if you ignore them long enough. This is _SOLDIER,_" he ranted, jabbing a finger into the blond's chest. "If you don't fight for your respect, you're going to get your ass kicked six ways 'till Sunday for the rest of your life!"

He jumped when Genesis' fist suddenly punched the wall centimeters from his head, denting the metal.

"Next time someone gives you shit, _you. Don't. Take. It._ I don't care if you have no hope of winning, you at least put up a fight. Because the next time I see _anyone _walking over you like that, I will _not_ be able to restrain myself from running them through. And if you're still too soft, I'll terrorize you within an inch of your life until you learn how to fend for yourself."

Ashamed, Cloud lowered his head. He'd failed his mentor again. No matter how hard he tried, he always got something wrong. Genesis would probably be better off taking Jadak as his apprentice instead...

"Cloud," the commander sighed, relaxing his tone, "I'm not angry. Well, I am, but not at you. I just want you to stay safe, is all. I take it this isn't the first time it's happened?"

Sniffling, the blond shook his head. "N-no. Jadak has always picked on me."

"Hmph. And you haven't told anyone?"

"Only Zack."

"Like _that_ would do any good," Genesis rolled his eyes. He gave Cloud's shoulder a rub. "C'mon, I told Sephiroth I'd join him in one of the simulation rooms. You can sit and watch, if you like."

Brightening at the prospect of getting to observe the both of them, the blond nodded and they walked down the corridor together. Upon reaching the training room, they found Sephiroth already to be amusing himself.

"What's he doing?" Cloud whispered, peering down from the observation room window down to where the silver-haired general crept across the metal floor in a low crouch.

Genesis leaned over the Third's shoulder. "Stalking something, I suppose. There might be a tonberry down there. They like hiding in the shadows, since they're so slow."

"What's a tonberry?" It sounded a little like strawberry, but Cloud couldn't imagine why Sephiroth would be stalking a _fruit_, of all things. Although, Genesis had introduced him to some pretty bizarre monsters.

"They're little green bastards that deal one hell of a punch if you let them." Genesis pointed to the corner, where a punch of crates were piled up. "It's probably behind those boxes, waiting for Sephiroth to turn around."

Sure enough, the moment the general's back was turned, a squat, green monster with enormous eyes shuffled out.

Cloud eyed its weapon. "What does it have, a kitchen knife?"

"Sure looks like one," the commander snorted.

The tonberry broke out into a run, which was not very fast at all, and brandished its kitchen knife with all the ferocity of a deranged butcher. Sephiroth wheeled around and Masamune impaled the poor creature, killing it instantly.

"There's always a bigger fish," Genesis chuckled. "Or in this case, a bigger kitchen knife."

"That is an _obscenely_ large kitchen knife. If that's what Sephiroth uses to make his soup with, I don't want to ever make dinner with him."

"Perhaps our dear General Sephiroth is, in actuality, part tonberry."

"And Hojo mutated him into Mega Tonberry."

"And gave him Bahamut's kitchen knife."

"Bahamut has a kitchen?"

"I have one, and I'm just as much of a fire hazard, aren't I?" Genesis joked, pulling out Rapier. "Well, I suppose we shall have to see whose kitchen knife is stronger. Mine, or his."

Frowning, Cloud cast the crimson blade a critical look. "Rapier is more like a can opener than a kitchen knife," he commented.

A crooked grin broke out onto the redhead's face. "I knew there was a reason I loved this sword."

Throwing open the observation room door, Genesis charged out onto the platform and down the stairs, raining a few blasts of Fira down at the general.

_"Fear the awesome power of my can opener!"_

Startled by his comrade's odd war cry, Sephiroth blinked stupidly and glanced up Cloud in confusion. The blond shrugged, unable to help giggling as The Duel of the Oversized Kitchen Items commenced.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Random reference to The Loveless Incident, much? Hah... and if you can't figure out where I got the name 'Jadak,' you need to spend a little more time thinking about Final Fantasy VII and staring at that name. I don't pretend to think it's exceedingly clever or anything, I just got tired of seeing bullies with such mundane names.

But AWWW for Gen coming to Cloud's rescue. In his own special way. That's not the end of the story, though... Jadak will be bak.

_**RegenesisX**_


	16. Fever

**Author's Note:** I would like to thank Sin of the Fallen for the idea, and a comment from Kerttu and my own twisted imagination for this story. As for the setting of this story, I'm going to give you a few words to think about: Renaissance, Gothic, Victorian, mansion. That might help.

**Warning:** There were moments where I couldn't even write, I was laughing so hard. And this is _extremely_ twisted. Like, I'm not sure what happened. o.O

**Disclaimer:** Uh, I don't want to own this. FFVII is NOT mine. Nope. No relation whatsoever.

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversation<strong>

_"Make me a dress." ~ Cloud Strife_

Cloud practically dragged himself into his and Genesis' shared apartment. Afternoon training seemed to have gone on forever and he was feeling quite dizzy and a little nauseous. His mentor sat on the couch, busily sorting through a pile of papers. The redhead glanced up at his student's arrival.

"Hey. How was class?"

The Third groaned and shrugged. "Okay, I guess. I'm not feeling too well, though."

"Oh?" Genesis arched an eyebrow. "What's wrong?"

"My stomach's kind of upset and I've got a killer headache," he replied, flopping down beside the commander. "I didn't help that my instructor made me run four extra laps for not paying attention."

The redhead rolled his eyes. "Sorry about that," he said sympathetically. "But it sounds like your body's still adjusting to the mako. You'll get a little woozy now and then for the next couple of weeks."

Burying his face in his hands, Cloud shook his head. "But I don't _like_ being sick."

"That's reality. It'll pass, don't worry." Genesis glanced at the clock. "I've got to attend a meeting in fifteen minutes. Why don't you go rest for a while? Perhaps you'll feel better."

With a nod, the blond stood up, lumbered off to his room, and went out like a light the second his head hit the pillow.

* * *

><p>"Cloud! <em>C-loud!<em> Dear Gaia, what the hell is taking you so long?"

The blond awoke with a start, shooting up straight in bed. What was going on? Why was Genesis yelling at him? Wasn't he supposed to be sick? Cloud crinkled his brow. He didn't feel sick. In fact, he felt fine. Throwing his legs over the side of the bed, he made to get up.

...And promptly found himself in a heap on the floor.

One moment he'd been precariously tottering, then his ankles completely gave out on him. He glanced down at his feet and blinked.

_Why_ was he wearing stilettos?

Black boots ran all the way up his calves to his knees, where black leather pants seemed to be tucked in. He appeared to be wearing an elaborate coat of some sort over a similarly-colored onyx dress shirt. If this was Genesis' idea of a joke, Cloud wasn't laughing. Where on the planet did he obtain such a ridiculous getup?

Struggling to his feet, the blond scuffled towards the door with the help of various items in the room. He couldn't recall there being a dresser on this side of the room, though...

"Genesis?" he called, peeking out into an unfamiliar hallway. Candles on iron sconces lit the dark corridor, making the polished hardwood floor glow. "Wh-where are you?"

The redhead's voice echoed from somewhere below. "Downstairs, you idiot! Hurry up!"

While Cloud was still incredibly confused, he recognized the urgency in his mentor's voice and shuffled along against the wall. It took a while, but he eventually came to a large staircase. One by one, he descended the steps, praying to Minerva that he wouldn't fall and break his neck. Having nothing to hold on to once he reached the main floor, Cloud tip toed to the nearest doorway and peered in.

A vast library greeted him, with enormous shelves filled to the brim with books. Framed by two obscenely large windows was a marble fireplace, blazing with burning logs. Couches and chairs dotted the room and in the midst of it all stood Genesis Rhapsodos. The redhead's coat seemed to have been replaced by a silky scarlet fabric, tight across his shoulders and gathered at the waist to drape behind him. Cloud was immediately suspicious at this unusual change of attire and his fears were more than confirmed when the commander turned around.

Red leather boots encased his long legs, cutting off just above the knee. The soft fabric of what the blond realized was a dress brushed just at mid-thigh, decorated with black lace. A uncomfortably-tight looking corset wrapped around his upper body and-

Oh Shiva.

Oh _hell,_ no.

Cloud squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, trying to banish the awful, _awful_ image. He obviously had a fever and was just seeing things. But when he took a second look, they were still there. Closer, in fact.

"Oh gods," he whispered, throat going dry as Genesis approached him.

"_What_ have you been doing, Cloud?" the redhead demanded. "We were supposed to leave ten minutes ago! Could you be any slower?"

Cloud could have cared less if Genesis decided to decimate him with Apocalypse right then. Because unless someone had secretly slipped Hojo's glasses on him while he was sleeping, his mentor was now... a _woman._

With boobs.

Like, _Tifa-sized_ boobs.

Desperately sucking in air, the blond stumbled backwards. "Wh-what's g-going on?" he stammered, unable to avert his eyes. _Look away, look away, LOOK AWAY, DANG IT!_

Genesis rolled his—_her_ eyes. "The annual ShinRa Ball?" she snapped, as if it should have been obvious. "The _only_ occasion I would spend months in advance planning for? Goddess, what the hell's gotten into you?"

Well, at least the redhead still _sounded_ like himself, a tiny piece of Cloud's brain noted. Although, he wasn't sure if that was actually a _good_ thing... He jumped when she lashed out to grip his wrist.

"Start moving, chocobo-brains."

Dazed, he allowed himself to be pulled along out of the room and back into the grand foyer. A butler Cloud had not noticed before, but looked suspiciously like Rude, opened the the door for them. He tripped down the front steps, steadying himself against Genesis' freakishly curved hip. The redhead hauled him into a chocobo-drawn carriage and slammed the door shut. Cloud retreated as far back into the corner as he could while Genesis sat opposite him, one leg crossed over the other and an entirely disapproving look on her face.

The blond continued to gawk.

Genesis _still_ had boobs.

"Stop _staring_ at me," she hissed.

"B-boobs," was all that came out.

Bright blue eyes widened and her hands flew to her chest. "What?" she barked. "Are they crooked or something?"

Even though he couldn't _do_ anything but stare, he wouldn't have been able to say if they were straight or not. They weren't even supposed to _be_ there.

"Look," Genesis sighed, moving to sit beside him, "I know you're nervous. But _please_ don't embarrass yourself." She wrapped an arm around his shoulders and leaned in to kiss his cheek. "Just pretend it's me and you dancing alone underneath the moonlight..."

The comment might have set warning bells off in Cloud's internal alarm system, were they not already blaring as loud as they possibly could because The Boobs were _pressing. Into. His. Arm._ All thought process inside his brain promptly shut down and his shortened breathing was the only thing disabling him from screaming his head off. But when the evil female version of his mentor ran a hand up the inside of his thigh, Cloud jumped into action and practically face-planted onto the floor of the carriage.

Unfortunately for him, Genesis took this as an invitation to continue and slid down to straddle his hips. "Someone sure is eager tonight," she smirked, voice low and husky. "Tell me, darling, do you like my dress?"

Cloud whimpered, absolutely petrified now that it looked like the redhead was going to rape him. He wasn't ready for this! He would rather not have made SOLDIER than lose his virginity to Genesis, even if he _was_ a girl.

The Boobs hung dangerously low in front of the blond's face as Genesis loomed over him. "Mm, I think _I_ know why you were staring," she chuckled, licking her lips and leaning farther down.

_Oh Gaia, please no, please no, please, please, PLEASE NO!_ Cloud winced, fully prepared to risk his life and morals by hitting a female Genesis, when the carriage suddenly lurched to a halt. Without missing a beat, the redhead pulled herself up, practically kicked the door open and slunk over the blond's head into the crisp night air. Gasping for breath, Cloud sat up and tried to process _what the heck_ just happened.

"Come along, Cloud," the redhead called.

Maneuvering around the small space of the carriage was difficult in his boots, but the blond eventually exited the vehicle and trailed after Genesis up the front path of a _colossal_ mansion. Forgetting his rather paranormal circumstances, Cloud paused to take in the beautiful home. Was it really a home? Did someone actually _live_ here?

A nameless man in a suit greeted them at the door and ushered them into a spacious ballroom, already crowded with dancing and mingling couples. It looked like an old Victorian painting had barfed up people from the past. Sweeping his gaze about the room, he could have sworn he caught a flash of spiky black hair. Was Zack here as well?

"Dance with me," Genesis ordered, dragging him to the dance floor. There was some fumbling, stumbling and unwillingness on Cloud's part to touch any part of the redhead, but they finally fell into a more or less graceful rhythm across the marble floor.

Cloud fixed his eyes on Genesis' collarbone, trying as hard as he possibly could not to look down. Were the blond the only one wearing heels, it would have evened out their difference in height somewhat. But as it was, Genesis still stood an extra half-foot taller, putting Cloud right at Boob-height.

He was used to staring at the commander's chest, but this...

"Dear Goddess," Genesis mumbled. "Would you _look_ at the Puppy's dress?"

One of Cloud's boots caught on the redhead's. The Puppy's... _dress?_

Discreetly turning his head, he scanned the area for any sign of anyone resembling Zack Fair. A black-haired girl dancing with a brunette guy Cloud didn't recognize looked a little like him, but it couldn't be-

"Spiky!"

It was.

The ravenette detached herself from her dancing partner and trotted over, nearly tripping over the hem of her long blue skirt. "Cloudy!" she smiled broadly, "I thought you and Gen would never get here!"

Cloud blinked. Zack had boobs too. Much smaller and more covered than Genesis', but they were still _there._ Could this possibly get any weirder?

"We would have been earlier, but we had some, ah, _pressing_ issues to take care of," Genesis jeered, reaching down to squeeze the blond's left buttcheek. Cloud stared up at his mentor in horror._Seriously?_

Zack pouted a little, shuffling awkwardly in place.

"So," the redhead drawled, "has dear Kunsel proposed yet?"

That brunette guy was Kunsel? Cloud couldn't recall ever seeing his helmet off.

"Not yet," Zack shook her head, "but soon, perhaps." She shot the blond a meaningful look.

_'HOLD THE PHONE!'_ Cloud wanted to scream. Did Zack like him? Was she jealous of Genesis? Why was he even acknowledging any of this?

Humming in a vague sort of agreement, the redhead loosely wrapped her arms around him and leaned her cheek on the top of his head. "Summer weddings are the best, don't you think?" she asked. "At _our_ wedding, we had the most delicious dumbapple cake. Remember, Zackary?"

Cloud froze. He and Genesis were _married?_

The world started to spin and he sucked in a few deep breaths to fight off the wave of dizziness.

"I remember, but it was a tad moist for my taste," Zack shrugged indifferently, ignoring Genesis' glare. She lifted a hand in a delicate wave. "I shouldn't keep Kunsel waiting." With one last gaze, she turned away to seek out her boyfriend.

Cloud almost, _almost_ felt sorry for her.

"Pathetic," Genesis scoffed. "I can't believe she's _pining_ after you like that. You did _so_ much better than she ever could."

It seemed even in an alternate reality, his mentor still couldn't get along with Zack. "How long has it been again?" he asked, hoping for a little information about this past life he'd apparently lived.

"About... what, four years now? One and a half of which you have spent in my company. I suppose that's what happens when teenagers think they've fallen in love, though. Someone's heart_always_ gets broken."

The blond furrowed his brow, unconsciously resting his head against Genesis' chest. Such a sad story. Too bad it was centered around female versions of his friends being in love with him.

Suddenly, the redhead giggled. "It seems Reno was able to keep Scarlet away from her long enough to drag him out of the house."

Praying Genesis had simply mixed up her pronouns, Cloud followed his mentor's gaze over to a nearby couple. It was indeed Scarlet and Reno, but the pronouns were correct. The blond woman was now a rather tall, buff-looking man wearing a vibrant red coat that looked more the part of a war commander than a Ball guest. Reno's narrow frame was stuffed into a brutally tight, frilly black dress.

Wonderful. More boobs where there weren't supposed to be boobs.

"Did you hear about the scandal recently?" Genesis asked, lowering her voice.

"N-no."

"Well, Reno was seen sneaking off to the stables by one of the maids. Evidently she's been having an affair with their coachman, Cid Highwind."

The name rang a bell in some distant part of Cloud's mind. Wasn't he a pilot or something?

"I guess it had been going on for quite some time and Scarlet finally found out about it," she continued. "He fired the poor bloke, so now poor Reno is back to him for entertainment. At least, that's what I heard from Angeal. Let me know if you see her and Rufus, eh?"

_Pleeeeease_, Cloud whined. _No more girls!_

Angeal Hewley was the type of woman you'd want to have helping you on a farm. Rather large-boned and broad shouldered, the deep purple dress did not suit her at all. It was entirely too girly and delicate for such a busty person. At least, that was Cloud's meager assessment, but his brain wasn't firing on all cylinders anymore. Rufus Shinra looked the same as always, only perhaps a little more elegant in a white Renaissance-style jacket.

The fact that this was all starting to become reasonable scared the blond a lot more than actually being in the situation.

"Angie, darling!" Genesis called across the dancefloor. "How _aaare_ you?"

The dark-haired woman looked over and smiled, then boomed in a voice _much_ too deep for even a woman such as herself, "Good evening, Mrs. Strife."

_Genesis Strife?_ That did not have a good ring to it. _Cloud Rhapsodos?_ Not much better.

"So formal," the redhead guffawed. "One would think we'd only known each other for a few weeks as opposed to all our lives."

"Mrs. Strife," Rufus nodded politely. "Cloud."

"M—ah, Rufus," Cloud stammered awkwardly, narrowly missing a fatal run-in with a stray handkerchief.

And then something just off to the side of Angeal made Cloud startle so violently he smashed straight into Genesis' right boob.

Professor Hollander wearing something of a dress coat over his fat belly dancing with none other than Professor Hojo.

Hojo. Was. A. _Woman._

The epitome of ugly and slimness, Hojo's greasy black hair was pulled back into a pony tail as usual, but tied with a bright pink bow. He'd been shoved into a Gothic-style dress made out of matching pink fabric. Somehow, he managed to navigate the dancefloor with ease in pink high-heels, creepy smile spread across his cracked lips.

Ignoring the fact that Genesis had magically changed genders, his mentor always was and always would be his stronghold. Shivering at the grotesque sight, he clung to the redhead for all he was worth.

"Cloud? Are you alright?"

"H-Hojo!" he sputtered, squeezing tighter as the scientist turned just so to reveal- "Boobs!"

Genesis snorted. "Yes, that wrinkly old woman _does_ have them, I'm afraid."

_Oh good, you see them too_. Cloud's eye twitched. This could not be happening. Hojo was not a woman. Hojo did not have boobs. _Genesis_ did not have boobs—Oh _Gaia_, they were pressing right into his face!

Quickly backing off, he looked up at the redhead's eyes for the first time all night. "I-I-I-I want to g-go home!" he blubbered before taking off and pushing his way through the crowd.

"Cloud! Wait!"

But he could not wait. Running as fast as his four-inch heels would let him, Cloud slammed _smack_ into some fat dude's back the moment he chose to glance over his shoulder. A strong arm reached out to keep him from falling.

"Easy there; is something the matter?"

Relief washed over Cloud at the familiar sound of Sephiroth's deep baritone. From the looks of it, he'd just run into President Shinra, who still appeared to be male.

The color drained from his face.

That meant...

Sea-green eyes blinked curiously as the blond looked Sephiroth's curved, female body up and down. Cloud opened his mouth and screamed so hard he blacked out.

* * *

><p>"Cloud! <em>Cloud!<em> Dammit, stop _hitting_ me! Wake up!"

The Third gasped as he opened his eyes to see Genesis sitting on the bed beside him, Mako-blue eyes etched with worry. Then he shrieked again, memories flooding back to him. A hand clamped over his mouth, blocking the sound.

"Shut _up!"_

Cloud flailed, knocking the redhead's hand away. He fell to the floor, scooting in reverse until his back hit the wall. _"Stay away from me!"_ he yelled.

"Cloud, it's me," Genesis hissed.

"Is it really?" he questioned, chest heaving. "Take off your shirt."

Copper-colored eyebrows drew together. "Excuse me?"

"Just do it!"

Sighing, Genesis lifted the hem of his t-shirt over his head and tossed it aside. "Alright, what?"

As the blond's eyes frantically scanned the First's toned abdomen and decidedly _flat_ chest, he couldn't understand. Genesis had gone back to normal? It took a few moments of blinking and breathing and staring, but he eventually realized what had happened. Tears began to fall.

"Oh, Genesis," he sobbed, "I had the most _awful_ dream!"

The redhead snorted. "Is this supposed to be news to me?" he asked. "May I put my shirt back on?"

Cloud nodded, pulling his knees up to his chest. The commander slipped his shirt on and moved to sit beside the distraught Third.

"Would you like to tell me what happened?"

"Y-You were a woman and we went to this dance and Zack was there and he was a woman too and apparently he was in love with me but I'd married _you_ instead so he got stuck with Kunsel and then I found out Scarlet was a man and she was dating Reno, who was a woman, who had an affair with some guy named Cid and you'd heard that story from Angeal, who was _also_ a woman and dating Rufus Shinra and I guess Rufus knew who I was cuz he said hi to me, which is weird cuz I don't really know Rufus and then I got freaked out because Hollander was there dancing with _Hojo_who was some creepy-ass old lady and so I took off but I ran into President Shinra, who I guess was dating Sephiroth because _Sephiroth_ was a woman too, so I screamed and that's all I remember except that you had really big boobs that kept trying to eat me and it was really scary, so _NEVER GET A GENDER CHANGE_ because I never want to have to relive that again." He stopped, panting. "C-cuz boobs scare me now."

For several long moments, Genesis was silent. Cloud sat there, shuddering at the image of his mentor grinning wolfishly in the carriage, The Boobs armed and dangerous.

And then, "Was I attractive?"

Cloud supposed if he thought about it long enough, Genesis _did_ make a rather lovely woman. If one preferred the voluptuous sort.

"Um... I guess?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Well, I hope you're all sane, because I most certainly am NOT! This is what happens when sick!Cloud dreams... I do feel a little bad, because if Cloud ever goes back to Nibelheim in this story, he's going to be TERRIFIED of Tifa. That was so amusing/oddly satisfying to write. Wow. :D

As always, leave a review and a suggestion if you have one! Even if it's strange. Like this. Because this was strange. This was very strange.

**_RegenesisX_**


	17. Tricks

**Author's Note:** I am _never_ going to be able to out-do the last chapter. Honestly. This chapter isn't from a prompt, but it's preparation for something that will happen later. The vampires, however, make their return.

**Disclaimer:** *sigh* No, it's not mine. Although, a friend of mine is thoroughly convinced Genesis is my character. I just started laughing.

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversation<strong>

_"You... are twisted." ~ Zack Fair_

"We're still on for sparring tomorrow, right?"

"Yep. See you then!"

"Later, Spiky!"

Cloud giggled despite himself as Zack lifted an arm and waved like a maniac before wheeling around and charging down the hall at full speed to make it to the elevator before the doors closed. It had been a long day, but the upbeat Second hardly ever failed to cheer him up. Reaching Genesis' apartment, he began to reach into his pocket to search for his key when he realized the door was already unlocked. It was unusual for the commander to get home before him, and Cloud wondered what the reason could be.

"Genesis?" he called, poking his head inside. He sincerely hoped it wasn't another Mako-treatment day. Receiving no response, he cautiously entered and let the door slide shut behind him. Not five steps into the living room, hands suddenly clamped down on his upper arms.

"Good evening, my precious," a low, sultry voice hissed near his ear.

The Third screamed, wrenching himself away from the stranger's grip and wheeled around to face a rather terrifying sight. A man a good six inches taller than he stood before him, covered head to toe in tight, black leather with a silky black cape draped over his shoulders. Strands of onyx hair dangled into crimson eyes and a crooked grin revealed sharp canines. Cloud screamed again.

Wincing, the vampire covered his ears. "_Shiva_, Cloud," he snapped, "save the opera for the theater, will you?"

_Oh Gaia,_ he wailed internally. _He knows my name!_ "Wh-wh-who are you?" he stammered, shakily backing away.

"Uh, hello?" The vampire lifted his hands. "Who the hell to you _think?"_

Cloud's eyebrows drew together. Was he supposed to know? He didn't think he knew any vampires. But, this one sounded awfully similar to... "Genesis?"

Resting his hands on his hips, the commander scoffed. "I knew you were gullible, but I didn't think you wouldn't even recognize me."

A blush colored the blond's cheeks as he sheepishly shrugged. "You scared me," he muttered.

"I believe I caught that," Genesis rolled his scarlet eyes. "But you have proved this ridiculous costume to be quite effective, thank you Cloud."

The blond blinked. "What is it for?"

Sighing, the SOLDIER-turned-vampire began to pace. "Do you know what holiday is in twenty-eight days?"

"Er, Halloween?"

"Precisely. Every year, ShinRa holds an event similar to your classic 'Trick-or-Treat' ritual, only ten times more stupid. And for whatever ungodly reason, Zack and Reno _always_ manage to put the entire building into complete and utter chaos, and it's the talk of the town for _months."_ Genesis paused a moment to draw in a deep breath. "I figure it's my turn to cause a riot this year."

Cloud's stomach lurched at the thought.

"Tonight, I'm going to give this vampire thing a test run," he continued. "If all goes well, I'll continue to terrorize the whole organization until the thirty-first."

Even though the blond knew nothing good could come out of Genesis wreaking havoc, the redhead seemed so cheerful that he didn't have the heart, or the courage, to oppose. "How'd you do the hair?" he asked instead. "A-and the eyes?"

"This is a wig," Genesis said, pulling on the ends of the hair, which was slightly longer than his own, "and I put red contacts in. Simple, no?"

Nodding, Cloud shuffled awkwardly. "Yeah, sure is..." he mumbled. "D-Do you mind if I just... stay in tonight?"

"You don't want to witness the performance?"

"I think once was quite enough."

"Your choice," the commander shrugged. "At least you'll get to hear about it in the morning."

_Oh joy_, Cloud thought sarcastically.

Sometime around three in the morning Cloud was roused from his slumber by the sound of his door creaking open. Mind still heavy with sleep, he simply ignored it and snuggled deeper into his pillow. He was further awakened, however, when a weight dipped into the mattress behind him. A hand came to rest on his waist, causing him to startle.

"G-Genesis?" he whispered into the darkness.

"Shh," came the unintelligible response. The hand moved to gently stroke across his cheek before brushing aside the collar of his night shirt. Teeth sank into his neck, breaking the skin.

Cloud's eyes flew open and he shrieked once, then passed out.

* * *

><p>Groggy, the blond Third shuffled into the locker room. Zack was already there waiting for him, along with Reno, whom he was talking with animatedly.<p>

"And did you _see_ what he did to that secretary?"

"I was standin' right next to ya the whole time, yo! Creeped the hell out of me, man."

"Morning," Cloud greeted with a yawn.

The Second and the Turk turned to look at him. "Spike!" Zack cried. "Where _were_ you last night?"

"Seriously, Blondie," Reno added, "if there was ever a night to miss, it was _not_ last night, yo. Although, I really wish I could've."

Furrowing his brow, Cloud approached them. He knew Genesis had gone out haunting last night, but Zack and Reno didn't need to know he knew that. "Why? What happened?"

"There was this guy-"

"A freakin' _vampire_, yo-"

"And he practically killed this lady-"

"Of course, we saved her-"

"But then he started coming after us-  
>"An' he was muttering some sort of crazy-ass poetry crap-"<p>

"And he _almost_ got Reno-"

"Except I was too quick for 'im and I got away-"

"And the last we heard was that he left a note for the Director saying he was going to kill us all on the thirty-first if we didn't give back what was taken from him," Zack finished.

Reno shuddered. "The Director had better freakin' do it too, else I'm bathing in garlic and carrying a wooden stake around with me."

"Ew," Zack snorted. "You wouldn't."

"I ain't jokin', pal. You wanna die? Cuz I certainly don't."

It seemed Genesis' ploy had worked. Reno and Zack may have a penchant for being wild, but no one could command utter hysteria like the redhead could. "I'll make sure to watch out for any vampires," Cloud assured them, moving to change into his sparring clothes.

"Don't you believe us, Spiky?"

"Oh no, I believe you," the blond nodded, pulling his shirt over his head. "But that doesn't mean I'm going to start wearing crucifixes and packing Holy Water instead of potions."

Instead of responding, Zack's jaw dropped with a squeak as he pointed at the Third. "Y-Your neck! He got you too!"

Cloud's eyes widened, shirt slipping from his fingers. Bolting to the bathroom, he turned to the mirror and tilted his head to assess the damage.

Spots swam in front of his eyes as he fingered the two small scars at the base of his neck. That... that had been a dream, hadn't it? There was no way he could have _really_ been bitten, right?

But, no. The marks didn't lie.

Could it have been...?

Was Genesis really...?

Cloud screamed.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** DUN DUN DUNNNN! Is our dear Genesis _just_ pretending, or is he secretly a VAMPIRE?

As always, leave a review! Itty-bitty chapter is itty-bitty.

_**RegenesisX**_


	18. Genicula

**Author's Note:** Uh... Regen really has no explanation for why this wasn't written a long time ago. I'm SO SORRY. Either way, this is a continuation of the last chapter. :D I most certainly am not a vampire, so there's no reason for me to leave you in the dark anymore!

**Warning:** Me taking two not-very-compatible characters and creating another comedic duo out of them?

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FFVII, and I am not a vegetarian.

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversation<strong>

_"He's a vampire! Today, vegetables. Tomorrow... the world!" ~ Chester, of Bunnicula_

Hastily closing and locking the door behind him, Cloud flicked the lightswitch. A single bulb dangling from the ceiling lit up the cramped janitor's closet. Sephiroth shifted awkwardly on the overturned bucket he'd been forced to sit on, idly blowing one of Reno's stray hairs out of his face.

"Is this really necessary?" the general asked, swatting at the offending hair. Reno gave him an odd look before scooting over, only to knock over several mops.

"Seriously," Reno grumbled. "This ain't exactly the greatest HQ, yo."

Sephiroth folded his arms. "I _meant_ is it necessary to be in close proximity to _you."_

"Ay! Whassa matter with me?"

"The smell of your cologne irritates me."

The Turk rolled his eyes. "Just get on with it, yo."

Cloud drew in a deep breath and began his carefully rehearsed speech. "I have gathered you here today to address a matter that has been pressing on my mind for some time now. You two have been specifically chosen to aid me in discovering the truth behind this perplexing conundrum. I believe..." He paused for emphasis. "...that Genesis... is a vampire."

Reno choked, covering his mouth with a snort. Sephiroth arched one eyebrow.

"Look, yo, I know your mentor is missing a rather large portion of his sanity," the redhead chuckled, "but don't ya think that's a little... extreme?"

"What leads you to believe he is a vampire?"

"Every night when I go to bed, he _always_ stays up reading," Cloud said, glancing quickly between his two confidants. "I have no idea when he goes to sleep, but he obviously doesn't because he's a vampire."

"From what Angeal's told me, Genesis has always been a nightowl," Sephiroth pointed out.

Reno nodded. "Yeah, an' juss' cuz I like swimming doesn't mean I'm a merman or anything stupid like that."

_Oh, but _I_ know the truth, Reno,_ Cloud's brain twitched. But Reno's secretly being a merman was less important at the moment. "Well, not only does he stay up late, but he _also_ frequently drinks red liquids."

"What _rock_ have you been living under, Blondie?" Reno exclaimed. "Everyone knows Gen is a First Class alcoholic. Dude drinks more 'n I do."

"But _how_ do you know it's alcohol?" Cloud challenged, jabbing a finger at the Turk. "Have you ever tasted it?"

The redhead shrugged. "No," he admitted. "I wouldn't drink outta his glass even if I was _paid_ to do it."

"You'd do _anything_ if you were paid," Sephiroth muttered.

Reno elbowed him.

"So, there's no way to prove that what he's drinking isn't in actuality..." a shudder wracked the Third's body. "Blood."

"Do vampires get drunk on that crap?" the Turk asked. "I mean, I hate the Awful Auburn just as much as the next guy an' normally I'd agree with the rumors flyin' around about him, but you just sound _nuts_, yo."

The general gave Reno a somewhat disapproving look before turning back to Cloud. "This is a little... far fetched, I must admit," he said. "You really haven't given us any evidence that he's a vampire."

"Alright then," Cloud frowned. "He burns in the sun. Abnormally fast. When we were at the beach, he put on a ludicrous amount of sunscreen before putting his shirt back on and going indoors. Save for that one time, he always refuses to go on trips to Costa del Sol."

Reno nodded slowly. "Yeah, I guess you're right about that. Pale as a ghost, an' he definitely keeps himself covered up wit' that coat of his."

"I was fairly certain the mako in our systems did not allow our skin to burn," Sephiroth added, glancing down at his hands, "yet Genesis manages to anyway."

"See? And did you know he hardly ever eats a thing?" Cloud continued. "He can go all day with just eating a slice of toast, salad and some noodles. I exert _half_ the energy he does, and I'm almost always eating."

"Really?" the Turk scoffed. "You look like you're on Gen's diet. But even _I_ eat like a pig, yo, and I sit in an office most days when I ain't wanderin' around blowin' stuff up."

"One would think he would eventually pass out from lack of protein," the general said, almost to himself.

Cloud threw his arms in the air. "He obviously gets his nourishment from another source!" he announced. "The blood of his innocent victims!"

Suddenly, Reno snapped his fingers. "Ay, I got an idea, yo. What about all those cadets he tosses around that end up in the infirmary? He probably sucks blood outta them!"

"Exactly," Cloud nodded eagerly.

"Now wait," Sephiroth cut in. "This is all simply circumstantial evidence. Genesis _could_ just be a temperamental alcoholic with strange eating habits."

The blond's expression darkened and he fell silent. He hadn't wanted to reveal this in case Genesis found out, but it was hist last resort.

"He bit me."

Both Reno and Sephiroth blinked at him until recognition lit up the Turk's eyes.

"He did, yo! I saw the marks! An' Zack saw 'em too. You say _Gen_ did that to ya?"

Cloud sighed. "Earlier that evening, he scared me wearing a vampire disguise; the one you two saw him in a few nights ago-"

"That was _him_, yo? Gaia, gotta give the guy credit. That was a freaky performance."

"After he came in from terrorizing you guys, he came into my room and bit me."

Sephiroth narrowed his eyes. "How do you _know_ it was Genesis?"

"Who else could it have been?" Cloud asked. "Genesis is a _vampire, _I tell you! And we have to stop him before he destroys us all!"

"Ay, easy there Blondie." Reno held up a hand. "What is this '_we'_ you speak of?"

"You two are going to help me, aren't you?" the blond questioned, glancing between his two confidants. "I can't take down a vampire all by myself. I _need_ your help."

The general exhaled sharply, attempting to keep his composure and not knot his hands in his hair. "Why us, though?" he asked.

"You're the only one able to defeat Genesis in combat," Cloud explained, "and Reno's a Turk. We need a combination of intelligence and strength if we're going to pull this off."

"That still doesn't explain Reno's presence."

The redhead adopted a look of deep offense. "I've got skills you can't even _dream_ of having, yo," he snapped. "An' stealth is my middle name, Ice Princess."

"So does that make your full name Reno Stealth Asshole?"

"Stop arguing!" Cloud shouted. He winced at the level of his own voice and lowered it to just above a whisper. "Both of you just promise me you won't tell Genesis about this secret meeting, alright?" He held out his pinky.

Reno rolled his eyes, but Sephiroth stared in confusion. "Is something the matter with your finger?" the silverette asked.

"Blondie wants us to 'pinky swear'," Reno muttered.

"Pinky swear?"

"Some stupid kiddie thing."

Cloud glared at the Turk. "I will have you know that there is no oath more sacred than the Pinky Swear," he deadpanned. "Shake, or else."

Reluctantly, the redhead wrapped his pinky around Cloud's and they shook. Sephiroth mimicked the gesture, not really understanding how this was a 'sacred oath,' but decided not to question it.

"Very good," the Third said, clapping his hands together. "I will contact you both later with a plan of action and let you know if there are any further developments."

"Alrighty, Chief," Reno drawled. "Any orders 'till then?"

"Lay low and try not to act suspicious," Cloud said, rising to his feet. "And whatever you do, stay away from Genesis."

Sephiroth and Reno watched as the Crimson General's apprentice cracked open the door, poked out his spiky blond head, then silently snuck out of the closet. The two exchanged a glance.

"Do _you_ believe him, yo?"

The silver-haired First considered. "While his logic seems plausible, that idea that Genesis is a vampire is... ridiculous at best. He has his eccentricities, but there has to be a more reasonable explanation for all this."

"You plannin' on telling Gen, then?" Reno asked.

"No," Sephiroth shook his head. "Cloud would feel his trust had been betrayed and probably suspect us to be in league with Genesis. I think he needs to figure this out on his own."

Rubbing his forehead, Reno sighed and stared at the door. "Hey... What if he's right, yo?"

The general gave the Turk an incredulous look.

"I'm just sayin', what if there's actually some gravity to his argument? He did seem pretty convinced, yo."

"Well... if Genesis really _is_..." Sephiroth trailed off. "Then I suppose we'll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it. For now we'll operate under the assumption that he's not, though. I... don't really want to believe my Second in Command could have been a vampire all this time."

Shrugging, Reno stood up and flicked off the light. "Maybe it was a recent thing," he said. "Either way, I'm going to enjoy this, yo. I've been waiting to get back at that ginger freak ever since that incident in the elevator with Zack."

Still not comfortable with Cloud's choice of partner for him, Sephiroth reluctantly followed the redhead out of the supply closet.

* * *

><p>Classes went on as usual for Cloud, but the Third couldn't concentrate. He was still trying to think of a way to capture Genesis. If he was a vampire, which the blond was 98% certain of, then it would be an exceedingly difficult task. As far as he knew, vampires were stronger and faster than the average human, but he didn't know how they compared to SOLDIERs. And a mako-infused vampire was an entirely different matter altogether. Therefore he'd gone straight to the top with requesting Sephiroth's help. And he was sure Reno knew a lot about tying people up and interrogating them. He was a Turk, after all.<p>

That left Cloud to lure Genesis into a false sense of security on his own.

It wasn't going to be easy.

Taking a deep breath, the blond entered his and Genesis' shared apartment with much apprehension. Would the redhead be able to tell he knew the truth? He hoped not, otherwise he might be dead before he got a chance to contact Sephiroth or Reno, and then the company would be doomed.

"Genesis?" he called weakly as he entered the kitchen. "I'm ba-"

The Third stopped short. He blinked a few times, unable to process what he was seeing.

Bags of bloody meat littered the counter tops.

For a few horrific seconds, Cloud remained frozen in shock until a hand brushed his shoulder. Shrieking, the blond whipped around to face none other than Genesis himself.

"Shiva, Cloud," the redhead snorted. "It's only me."

Lifting a shaking hand, Cloud pointed at him. "Y-You..." he stammered. "B-b-blood..."

The commander gave him an odd look. "Are you alright? You're not sick again, are you?" He reached out to touch the Third, but Cloud darted away and plastered himself up against the stove. A vacuum-sealed bag of squishy meat sagged on the granite beside him.

Genesis was a vegetarian.

"Why is there meat all over the kitchen?" the blond demanded in as authoritative a tone as he could muster.

Rolling his eyes, Genesis moved to pick up one of the bags. "Well, if you must know, I killed a couple of cadets and had them packaged," he replied nonchalantly. "Human is so much more delicious than monster meat, and I was starting to miss it terribly. I hope you don't mind."

Cloud's jaw fell open. "Y-You're a... c-cannibal?"

"Tch, duh?" The redhead shoved the bag into the freezer. "Could you help me put these away before they go bad?"

Without giving Genesis a reply, the blond fled from the kitchen. He bolted into his room and locked the door behind him. Pulling his PHS out of his pocket, Cloud glanced around for a hiding place. Under the bed? Behind the dresser? His gaze then fell on the closet and he hastily opened the door and shoved himself as far back as he could. The light from his phone illuminated the tiny alcove from pitch black to glowing blue as he scrolled through his contacts.

Sephiroth picked up on the third ring. _"General Sephiroth speaking."_

"I-It's Cloud," he whispered, heart beating frantically. Genesis could be eavesdropping on him for all he knew. "W-We have a code red."

_"...What's red?"_

The Third felt like smacking himself. Of _course_ he'd forgotten to teach them the secret codes. No matter, though. "Code red," he repeated. "I need you to call our other contact," _he couldn't risk saying Reno's name_, "and let him know I need to meet with you both."

_"Hmph. Very well. Where would you like to meet?"_

"Headquarters. Twenty-one-hundred hours."

_"Headquarters? You mean the supply closet?"_

"Yes." Cloud pursed his lips. "Tonight, Genicula is going down."

_"Gen-what?"_

* * *

><p><em>"Yo, Reno's the name and you have successfully reached his number. You can leave a message now and I'll get back with you immediately, since I've actually picked up the phone for once."<em>

_ "...This is awkward."_

_ "Sephiroth? Well if it isn't the SOLDIER-boy himself. What can the lowly Reno-the-Turk do for ya?"_

_ "Cloud called."_

_ "Oh? And?"_

_ "He said something about... Coat Red. I can only assume he means Genesis, since I don't know anyone else who wears a red coat."_

_ "Wait, what? Hold on, do you mean _code _red? Dude, that's like the international S.O.S. distress call. You're in the army and you don't know that, yo?"_

_ "I have never been in distress, Reno."_

_ "Alright, alright, calm down, your highness. What'd the kid want?"_

_ "He asked us to meet him in the supply closet again. Apparently there have been further developments."_

_ "Oh, great. Did the vampire suck our little sap?"_

_ "One can only hope."_

_ "Hmph. It's a wonder that idiot can even function, yo. He's even battier than Gen. Hah, get it? Batty?"_

_ "Enough with the vampire jokes, Reno. Supply closet, nine o'clock. Don't be late."_

_ "That's my general, always taking things way too seriously to be normal. I'll be there, yo. Hey, what phone are you calling me from?"_

_ "My PHS, why?"_

_ "No reason. Turk security stuff, ya know? Well... see you later, I guess."_

_ "Goodbye, Reno."_

* * *

><p><em> "General Sephiroth, speaking."<em>

_ "Would it kill you to look at your caller ID once and a while?"_

_ "It's much more efficient to simply answer the phone."_

_ "Oh, but I so look forward to hearing you say, 'why Genesis, how nice of you to call!'"_

_ "My apologies. Why Genesis, how nice of you to call."_

_ "It doesn't have the same effect when I know you're being sarcastic. You should lighten your tone a bit, then maybe you can foll me into thinking you're actually glad to be hearing from me."_

_ "If you're quite through with the speech lesson, Professor Higgins, we could get to the point of _why_ you are calling."_

_ "Ah, yes. I just wanted to invite you and Angeal over for dinner tomorrow. It feels like ages since we last sat down and had a meal together."_

_ "Need I remind you why that is so?"_

_ "Shut up. It's not like you can make toast, let alone a whole meal."_

_ "..."_

_ "Besides, this time I have Cloud to help me. Speaking of which, you haven't seen him have you?"_

_ "...No, why?"_

_ "Oh, he's gone and disappeared on me again. How do parents keep track of their kids? Do they have special radars? Because I can never seem to figure out where the hell he's gone."_

_ "You worried?"_

_ "Only that he'll wind up stranded on the other side of the building, locked in a closet somewhere."_

_ "...He does seem to like those."_

_ "What was that?"_

_ "Nevermind. I'll let you know if I run into him."_

_ "Thanks. Today's youth honestly have no survival instinct. He wouldn't know danger if it bit him in the throat and sucked his blood out."_

_ "...Uh, whatever you say, Genesis. I, um, have another call waiting."_

_ "I'll talk to you later, then."_

_ "Goodbye."_

_ "Ta."_

* * *

><p><em> "Yo, this is Reno's answering machine. The amazing ball of charisma in charge of me is obviously too busy to pick up the phone right now, so you'll have to tell me what's on your mind instead. -beep-"<em>

_ "Reno, it's Sephiroth. ...Do you know what Holy Water is, exactly? And how to obtain it? Because I think we might need some..."_

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** So, Genesis is a cannibalistic vampire now? Oh dear, me... I love the _Bunnicula_ books, by the way. :D And I'm also loving Sephiroth and Reno. Gaia, I've missed those two.

Tune in next chapter (which will be posted a LOT sooner than this one was) for the exciting conclusion!

**_RegenesisX_**


	19. Vampire

**Author's Note: ** Klnuiushehkjheihlhf. I'm back.

**Disclaimer:** I don't FFVII, and I don't own the character I referenced.

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversation<strong>

_"Boy, you've gotta admire that energy." ~ Zack Fair_

Genesis glanced up from his book at the sound of the door opening.

"It seems my wayward chocobo has finally returned to the stable," he commented, closing the book and setting it on his lap.

A smile tugged at his lips as Cloud jumped at the sound of his voice. The blond pinned him with bloodshot eyes, chest rabidly rising and falling. "G-Genesis," he gasped. "What are you doing here?"

"Um, I live here?" the commander said, stating the blatantly obvious.

"Oh. R-right. Uh..."

"Cloud, are you _on _something?" Genesis snapped. "I mean, I know you have a few screws loose, but you've been acting downright _weird."_

The Third froze, back going ramrod straight. "I'm fine," he chirped, voice cracking. "Never better. In fact, I'm so fine that I'm going to head straight to bed so that I can get enough sleep to continue being _perfectly fine_ tomorrow."

Genesis stared.

Cloud forced a smile.

"Oookay," the redhead said slowly. _Something_ fishy was going on, Genesis knew, but what exactly that _was_ was anyone's guess. "Get some sleep, good idea."

Chuckling nervously, the blond began to creep towards the hallway when Genesis experimentally cleared his throat. Cloud shrieked, half-leaping into the air mid-step. His right foot caught on the back of his left one, causing him to faceplant into the freshly-vacuumed cream carpet.

For a moment, he lay there in shock before he snapped back into himself and scrambled to his feet. "I, uh, I tripped..." he said sheepishly, fidgeting uneasily.

Genesis arched an eyebrow. "No shit."

"I-I'll be, um, I'll be going now." He shuffled off to his bedroom, casting one last suspicious glance at the commander before darting inside and slamming the door behind him.

Shaking his head, Genesis picked up his book again. It was very likely that if he cornered Cloud in his room now and threatened him within an inch of his life, the Third would break down and blurt out whatever it was that was making him act like he'd stuck his finger in a light socket and fried his central nervous system. However, as amusing as that sounded, the Red General was rather tired and didn't feel like dealing with whatever problem is apprentice had caught himself up in.

That, and _Dracula_ was proving to be a rather interesting read.

* * *

><p>Several hours later, Genesis found himself being rudely awakened by a freezing cold wave of water being thrown into his face. Coughing and gagging, the redhead opened his eyes, but was greeted by darkness. After a moment, he realized there was a scrap of dark cloth around his head. He tried to lift a hand to remove it, but his wrists stayed stubbornly beside one another.<p>

He was blindfolded, hands tied behind his back, laying on his side on some sort of hard metal floor. It wasn't so much his position that bothered Genesis; he'd been in similar situations before during the war. It was the fact that he couldn't remember how he'd _gotten_ here that was unnerving. Frantically searching his memory, the redhead tried to recall having done anything in the past 48 hours that would constitute being kidnapped and tied up, but came up blank. And besides that, something was smelling oddly strongly of garlic.

Therefore, he defaulted to his usual way of dealing with things.

"You have five seconds to explain to me _what the hell is going on_ before I burn through these ropes and turn _all _of you into unidentifiable lumps of melted flesh!"

"Well that ain't very nice, yo."

_Reno._ "RENO!" Genesis bellowed. "You'd better start running _now, _you scrawny piece of marlboro fodder, or I'm gonna-"

"Ay, don't waste your breath on me, General Grievous. This was all your little Blondie's idea."

No wonder Cloud had been acting strange all evening. _Anyone _would be on edge if they were planning on tying Commander Genesis Rhapsodos up. And rightly so, because it would be a miracle if Cloud survived this little stunt.

"_CLOUD STRIFE!"_ the redhead bellowed, thrashing wildly against his bonds. "You'd _better_ have a Goddess-damned good reason for this!"

"SHHH!" Cloud hissed. "You'll wake everyone up!"

"Do you really think," Genesis growled as his feet kicked some object, knocking it over with a clatter, "I _care?"_

A pair of strong hands clamped down on his shoulders and hauled him upright. The redhead struggled to wiggle free, but the grip was too firm. "I'm sorry about this," Sephiroth's voice murmured, full of regret.

Genesis might have wondered how Cloud had managed to rope _Sephiroth_ into this, but he was much too angry to be doing any rational thought. "Take this blindfold off," he demanded icily. "_Now."_

The general hesitated, then seemed to realize the consequences of disobeying _Genesis_ highly outweighed those of disobeying Cloud and slipped the cloth off. Blinking several times, the redhead took in his surroundings. A single lightbulb hung from the ceiling, illuminating the tiny room in a wash of dim yellow light. Mops, buckets and other cleaning supplies lined the wall. Were they in a supply closet?

Reno sat in the corner on an overturned bucket, looking somewhere between laughing and shaking his head in shame. Genesis glanced over his shoulder at Sephiroth, who was crouched behind him. The silverette shrugged and the commander turned back to face Cloud, who hovered in the center of the room, looking absolutely _ridiculous_.

Hanging around the Third's neck was a necklace of garlic cloves. In one hand, he held a tiny crucifix and the other, a vial of clear liquid. Genesis might have laughed at any other time, but was a little too weirded out to do anything besides give him a confused look.

"I'll bet you thought you were _clever_, didn't you?" Cloud sneered, shoving the little cross into his face. Genesis recoiled out of reflect, accidentally hitting Sephiroth's nose with the back of his head. "But I've figured our your little SECRET!"

"Secret?" the redhead echoed incredulously. "What secret?"

"_That you're a vampire!"_

For a moment, Genesis was completely speechless. Then, "WHAT IN MINERVA'S NAME IS WRONG WITH YOU, STRIFE?"

Cloud tossed the crucifix aside and popped the cork on the vial and in one smooth motion, splashed the contents on his mentor. The commander swore, not at all happy with having been doused with water twice in less than five minutes, and spat as some of it got into his mouth. It tasted vile, like salt water mixed with something acidic.

"What on Gaia," he sputtered, "_is_ that?"

"Holy Water," the blond announced, a hint of smugness in his voice. "Take that, Vampire! Feel your innards burn as you go back to whence you came!"

Craning his neck, Genesis wiped his dripping chin on Sephiroth's shoulder pualdron. "The only thing that's going to burn is your _brain_ after I've fished what rotten bits of it that are left out of your head."

The blond wheeled around to point accusingly at Reno. "You said you got me Holy Water!"

"I _did_, yo!"

"Then why isn't it working?"

"Because I'm NOT A VAMPIRE," Genesis couldn't help interjecting.

"Silence, fiend!" Cloud shouted at him.

Reno raised his hands in defense. "Look, the dude I got it from swore up and down on everything you could imagine that it was Holy Water. You would not believe how much it cost, yo."

"And you just took his word for it?" the Third gaped.

"The guy kept snapping his fingers and changing my hair color!" the Turk exclaimed. "I think he's pretty legit!"

A hush fell over the room. After few moments, Sephiroth asked, "Is that why your hair has been looking a little more... orange than usual?"

Reno nodded morosely.

"Where did you _meet_ this guy?" Genesis added, momentarily forgetting he was still being held hostage by a bunch of lunatics.

"At a candle shop," the Turk shrugged. "He said he needed them for some sort of ritual."

"That's not creepy at all," the commander muttered.

Cloud shook his head. "Give me the bucket," he ordered, deciding to move on. Reno handed him one of the mop buckets nearby and the blond turned back to Genesis. "Now, I shall trap you here until morning when I can stake your heart by forcing you to _count the grains of rice!"_

One of those lightning-strike sound effects would've been appropriate because Cloud tossed back his head and cackled evilly, then tipped the bucket. A shower of rice rained down in a neat pile at Genesis' knees, growing steadily larger by the second. The four of them watched in silence until the bucket was empty.

"Well?" the Third barked. "Start counting, Vampire!"

Genesis sucked in a deep breath. Moving faster than Sephiroth could react, he ripped straight through his bonds, elbowed the general hard enough in the stomach to knock the air out of him, then lunged for Cloud. The blond let out a scream of terror as the two crashed into a pile of mops. Fisting his hands in the rough material of the boy's uniform, Genesis hauled him half-upright and slammed him against the wall. Cloud's blue eyes were wide with fright, his whole body trembling.

"I. Am. Not. A. Vampire." The redhead ground out each word with a firm shake of the blond's shoulders. "Do you know what the _easiest_ way to prove that is?"

"N-n-no, sir," Cloud stammered.

"If I were a vampire, I would've killed you a _long_ time ago. And you're lucky I'm not one now, otherwise you'd begging for mercy as I tore your throat open, and all the grains of rice in the world wouldn't be able to save you."

Tears welled up in the corners of the Third's eyes. "Wh-what are you going to d-do to me, then?" he whimpered.

A dark, humorless smirk spread across Genesis' face. "Imagine the worst thing you can think of."

Cloud visibly swallowed.

"Now imagine something a hundred times worse."

"Y-you'd do that to m-me?"

"No... I'm going to do something a hundred times worse than _that."_

* * *

><p>Angel Hewely sat down at the white clothed dinner table and inhaled deeply. "Well Genesis, I'm impressed," he commented, savoring the aroma. "It certainly <em>smells<em> like a five-star meal."

The redhead grinned pleasantly, setting the salad bowl down. Zack reached in and snatched a few leaves, stuffing them in his mouth before Genesis could knock them out of his hand. He shrugged at the commander's glare.

"Is Cloud going to be joining us?" Sephiroth asked, sounding a little apprehensive. He poked at the intricate shape Genesis had contorted the cloth napkins into.

Genesis glanced at the clock. "Yes, he should be getting back anytime now," he sighed.

"That roast smells _really_ good," Zack moaned, giving the meat a longing look.

Angeal swatted his protege. "Be polite," he chastised. Then again, Genesis probably wouldn't mind the Second's eagerness since that would obviously be a compliment to the redhead's cooking.

"Well what are we waiting for?" Genesis asked. "Help yourselves, everyone."

"But what about Clo-"

Zack was cut off by the positively _ugly_ look the commander shot him. "We eat," he snapped, heaping salad onto his plate. "It's his own fault for being late."

Sephiroth grunted in agreement. Angeal couldn't help wondering if the two other Firsts knew something he didn't.

About five minutes later, Cloud Strife stumbled into the apartment. The dark-haired commander nearly dropped his glass of water in shock at the sight of him. Blood was matted into his normally corn-yellow hair and decorated large patches of his uniform. One pant leg had been completely shredded, exposing the skin underneath.

"Cloudy!" Zack gasped. "What happened to you?"

Instead of rushing to fuss over the boy like Genesis usually did, Angeal was surprised to see that the redhead barely gave Cloud a glance.

"I'm taking a shower," the blond announced tiredly, wincing as he pulled off his boots.

"Cure's in the bathroom drawer," Genesis replied.

Cloud muttered something unintelligible, then pointed at the roast. "Who's that?"

"Hmm?" The redhead arched an eyebrow, waving his fork around. A chunk of meat was speared on the other end. "Who this? Oh, this is Devon Daniels."

Suddenly, all activity at the dinner table screeched to a halt.

"You know, that little brunette they used to send around to deliver First's reports?" Genesis continued, as if nothing were wrong and he wasn't referring to the _food they were eating._ "Just like I thought, he has such tender, delicious meat."

And instead of freaking out and calling the fire department like Cloud usually did when the commander said something insane, the blond simply nodded. "Keep some warm for me, will you?" And then he disappeared down the hall.

Angeal was absolutely shell-shocked. Sephiroth, who had been just about to put a slice of meat in his mouth, closed his mouth and slowly lowered his fork back to his plate.

And Zack, who was onto his third serving of meat and had his moth full, stared down at his food in horror. "Daniels?" he peeped, experimentally poking at his dinner. He blinked several times, then his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell forward onto his plate with a _SPLAT!_

Genesis burst out laughing.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Been a while, huh? I really have no excuse. :P This isn't my best work, considering I just wrote it this afternoon and now I'm posting it because I have no patience for editing and fixing things right now. I'll go back through it tomorrow and make it beautiful. Muaha.

Also- The guy Reno got the Holy Water from? Yeah, I'm going to bring him back later in the series as a cameo of sorts. He's not from Final Fantasy, but rather a book series I recently started reading and fell in love with. Be prepared for me to branch out into another fandom soon :D But don't worry, I won't leave this one.

I MISSED YOU GUYS SO MUCH!

**_~RegenesisX_**


	20. Santa

**Author's Note:** MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! I was trying to think of something Christmas-related that wouldn't just be a rehash of last year's story. And then I remembered something I'd heard on the radio. This is just a short little guy, but it fit right into IC.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FFVII, and I don't own Portal.

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversation<strong>

_"I've thought of a wonderful present for you. Shall I give you despair?" ~ Sephiroth_

"Here, Cloud—you open yours first."

"I don't want to go first," Cloud whined, making a face and shoving the gift away.

Genesis gave him a blank expression. "Why the hell not? It's _Christmas_. Christmas equals gift opening."

"But if I go first, then everyone will just be sitting there, awkwardly watching me opening a present and I _hate_ that!" Cloud explained with a pout.

The redhead stared at him for a few moments, then shook his head. "Why do I like you?" he muttered, then turned to jab a finger at Sephiroth. "You!" he barked. "Open something!"

Sephiroth, Angeal, Genesis, Zack and Cloud had all congregated together in Commander Rhapsodos' apartment for the Christmas morning festivities. Cloud and Genesis had spent the previous day decorating the living daylights out of their apartment—_"The place _reeks_ of Christmas spirit, if I do say so myself."_—since Genesis had volunteered to orchestrate their annual breakfast and gift exchange. So far, the morning had gone well. Sephiroth had woken up on time, Zack hadn't torn down Genesis' door, Cloud didn't burn breakfast, Angeal had only straightened the mantle decorations twice, and Genesis hadn't strangled anyone. Yet.

Everyone watched in rapt fascination as Sephiroth methodically began to open his first present. He stopped after a moment and glanced around. "How about we _all_ open something?" he suggested.

The moment Genesis rolled his eyes and huffed a short, "Whatever," Zack pounced on his nearest gift and tore into it like a starving monkey into a banana.

An hour later, everyone was lounging around, admiring their presents. Cloud flipped through his new hardcover novel, a gift from Genesis. His mentor really did have good taste in literature, if you could get him past _LOVELESS_. A stuffed chocobo from Zack was tucked under his arm. He'd thrown the bird at Zack as soon as he'd opened the bag, but the chocobo was _incredibly _soft. So he'd definitely be taking it to bed with him. But Zack didn't need to know that. Beside him, Sephiroth was munching on the cookies Angeal had given everyone.

"Genesis, I'm shocked," Angeal commented. "No _LOVELESS_, this year?"

The redhead looked up from shoving wrapping paper into a trash bag. "Goddess, no," he scoffed.

Cloud's eyes widened and he exchanged a confused glance with Sephiroth. They knew a weird reaction was imminent, but _that_ was definitely not expected.

"And why is that?" Angeal pressed.

"Well, I had a stroke of realization while I was at the bookstore," Genesis explained. "If I keep giving you guys copies of _LOVELESS_ every year, sooner or later _your_ collections will be bigger than mine. And that is _not_ acceptable."

It was such a stupid answer to a stupid question that everyone burst out laughing.

"Hey," Zack interjected. "I heard on the radio yesterday that if someone really flew to every single kid's house to give them presents, it would take them six months to do it."

Cloud's eyebrows went up. "Six months?" he echoed. "Wow. How do you suppose Santa Claus does it then?"

"Beats me," Zack shrugged.

"Maybe his reindeer all have jetpacks," Cloud suggested.

Genesis snorted. "Perhaps he has some of his elves make deliveries as well," he added. "_Or_ there's more than one Santa."

The blond gasped. "What if Santa _did_ clone himself? What if there's really ten Santas instead of one?"

"Even if there were ten Santas, it would still take each Santa more than two weeks to make deliveries," Sephiroth pointed out. "And you would have to add in the extra travel time for each one to return to the North Pole."

"What if…" Genesis trailed off for a moment. "What if each Santa had his own district, and he just lived there? That way he wouldn't have to be traveling back to the North Pole?"

"I guess," Cloud sighed, "but what about all of the toys? Does each Santa have its own factory? Since we've already established we'll need more than ten Santas, that would be a _lot_ of secret toy factories."

"And who is the head Santa?" Sephiroth inquired.

Genesis threw up his hands. "The one at the North Pole, duh."

"What if the Midgar Santa wanted to be the head Santa?" the general asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh my Goddess." Cloud clutched his stuffed chocobo in terror. "What if the Midgar Santa started a rebellion and war broke out? And the head Santa was assassinated? The Christmas would be ruined!"

"Alright!" Genesis snapped, not interested in watching his apprentice have a nuclear meltdown _again._ "So there's only one Santa. But we need to figure out a way to get him from once place to another instantaneously."

The blond scratched his head. "…Portals?"

"Implying that there are portals inside everyone's house?" Genesis questioned.

"I don't know! Maybe they're in the chimneys," Cloud snapped. "Maybe he has an Aperture Science Handheld Portal device."

The redhead huffed in annoyance. "That would only work if he could shoot a portal from one house into another," he said, as if Cloud should've thought of that. "And if that were the case, why would he need reindeer?"

"He phased out reindeer transportation once he realized portals were superior."

"But portals wouldn't work! And besides, Aperture and portals don't even _exist._"

"Yeah, well, neither does Santa!" Cloud finally yelled. "Maybe Santa just has magical teleportation powers and can poof wherever he wants to." And with that, the Third grabbed his book and his chocobo and stormed off.

An eerie silence settled over the living room as the other SOLDIERs exchanged confused, _what-the-heck-just-happened_ glanced.

"So." Genesis broke the silence and clapped his hands together. "Who wants more eggnog?"

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** If anyone isn't familiar with how portals work, the best way I can describe them is that they're like little windows of teleportation. You go into one portal and come out of the other in a different location. I don't think Santa is quite that high-tech, considering he's used reindeer for the past... however many decades/centuries.

Once again, Merry Christmas everyone! Thank you for reading :3

**_RegenesisX_**


	21. Chocobo

**Author's Note:** It's been so long, I had to go look to see how I formatted these!

Here is the answer to the burning question of why Sephiroth is afraid of chocobos.

**Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy 7 does not belong to me and it's sad that I have to go look up things that I've forgotten the names of.

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversation<strong>

_"This... is a wonderful chocobo!" - Chocobo Billy_

Commander Genesis Rhapsodos was in an unusually good mood.

It was the first thing Cloud noticed when he'd dragged himself out of bed at an ungodly hour that morning. Yawning and rubbing his eyes, he'd stopped short in surprise at the sight of his mentor dancing about the apartment, singing some sickeningly cheery song at the top of his lungs. Genesis greeted him in a flourish of twirls and waltzed him into the kitchen, where he'd set out a plate of fresh pancakes. They ate, Genesis chattered nonstop, then got ready to head out for their mission at seven o'clock.

Commander Genesis Rhapsodos was in an unusually good mood.

Cloud was terrified.

"_My friend, your desire is the bringer of life, the Gift of the Goddess_," Genesis sighed contently. "Isn't it a _glorious_ day?"

"No," Sephiroth grumbled, glancing up from his book to give the redhead a death glare. Genesis smirked back.

Not for the first time, Cloud felt like he was being left out of some inside joke between the two Firsts. Occasionally Genesis would sit down and tell him humorous and embarrassing stories of things that happened to him, Sephiroth and Angeal (but mostly Sephiroth and Angeal) when they were younger, but it wasn't the same as actually _being_ there. And since Cloud liked to think of himself as being relatively close to the commander, he couldn't help but feel that he was still missing an entire part of Genesis' life. Some experiences just beyond training, _LOVELESS,_ and being accused of stealing the redhead's favorite can opener.

He might have been worried about the success of their mission today, what with Genesis' giddiness and Sephiroth's pouting, but his mental capture card was a tad bit laggy.

The truck they were riding in hit a rut, pitching the three of them in random directions. Instead of screaming at the driver to watch where he was going or risk being put through the windshield, the Red General simply straightened his coat and flicked his hair out of his eyes. "What's the matter, Sephiroth?" he asked, an unmistakably teasing note carrying his voice.

"Hmph."

"Someone's grumpy today. Could it be that you're not looking forward to the mission?"

Sephiroth's expression was so icy, it was a wonder everything within a twenty-mile radius hadn't frozen solid. Chuckling, Genesis turned to look out the window.

Squirming uncomfortably in his seat, Cloud finally mustered the courage to speak up. "Is... is there something I should know?" he squeaked.

"Well, you see—"

"_No,"_ Sephiroth interrupted, cutting Genesis off. Lips pressed in a thin line, he pulled his book closer to his face, as if that would help shut the rest of the world out.

Cloud didn't feel any better about the situation.

"I guess you'll just have to see when we get there," Genesis shrugged mysteriously. "While we wait, I have a game I can teach you. It's called Tanks, and basically what you do is..."

And so the next hour found Cloud attempting to play a surprisingly simple yet incredibly challenging strategy game that consisted of a lot of finger-tapping, mental math, and him losing. He was going to have to take the game back to Midgar and play it with Zack to redeem himself.

Finally, the truck ground to a halt and the driver cut the engine, signaling that they had reached their destination. Cloud followed Genesis out of the vehicle, yawning and stretching his legs. When he glanced around, he was surprised to see white wooden fences surrounding a large red barn. The pattern of a chocobo had been done on the roof with the shingles.

"A chocobo farm?" he asked, giving his mentor a confused look.

Grinning, Genesis nodded. "Chocobos are the only way to get where we're going in the swamps," he replied, leading the way towards the barn.

Cloud brightened considerably. "I get to meet a real, live chocobo?"

"You sure do, Feather-Head."

He chose to forgive Genesis for that one. Just this once.

As they waltzed through the barn doors into the surprisingly tidy chocobo stable, Cloud happened to catch sight of Sephiroth. The general trailed behind them, looking more nervous than the he'd ever seen before. Because Sephiroth just didn't _get_ nervous. He faced off monsters and Wutains and Hojo's leftover lunch without batting an eyelash. What on Gaia could have him so frightened then?

"Ooh, look at _this_ one, Sephiroth," Genesis oozed, stopping by one of the stalls. The chocobo in question cooed softly at Genesis, poking its head over the gate.

Cloud hurried over to the stall and stared, wide-eyed, up at the bird, who regarded him with an equally fascinated gaze. Lifting a hand, he gently stroked the chocobo's feathers. "Hello, there."

"Wark," said the chocobo.

Giddy with a childlike glee, Cloud twisted to look back at Sephiroth. "Do you want to pet him?"

The general stiffly shook his head and didn't budge from the center of the aisle. Cloud's grin faded a little.

"Why not?" he asked. "He's friendly."

"'Course he is! One o' the finest birds I got!"

An old man wearing glasses thick enough to rival Hojo's came into view, shuffling down the barn aisle. One of the straps on his overalls was broken and several pieces of straw were embedded in his beard. As he passed Sephiroth, he clapped a hand on the general's arm.

"Good t' see ya again, General," the old man said and all three SOLIDERs flinched at the volume of his voice.

"It's… good to see you too, Bill," Sephiroth replied.

"Now you, Sonny," Bill said, shuffling over towards Cloud, "have a good eye for chocobos. Don't ya?"

Cloud blinked. "Um, d-do I?"

"Just like m' grandson. Billy. Yeah, Billy sure knows how to spot 'em."

Chocobo Bill continued to talk as he approached the stall, but instead of addressing Cloud, he directed the conversation to the chocobo in the stall. The bird tilted his head curiously while Cloud felt the beginnings of utter humiliation being to set in. He yelped when Bill's hand came down on his head and roughly ruffled his hair.

"Zanzibar here is a champion," Bill informed the chocobo—Zanzibar, apparently. "Won me, uh… two… four… eh, lots o' money in dem races, y'know!"

Cloud cleared his throat. "Excuse me, sir? I'm over here."

"Eh?" Bill leaned closer to the chocobo. "What's that, Sonny?"

"I'm over here," Cloud repeated. He waved a hand in front of the old man's face. "That's the chocobo."

Bill finally looked at Cloud. He squinted, then glanced back at Zanzibar. Then again at Cloud. Realization dawned on his wrinkled face and he laughed. "What're ya doin', wearing that chocobo getup then, Sonny? Don't confuse an old man!"

Heat burned Cloud's cheeks despite his attempts to choke his mortification. "Sorry, sir."

"You can ride ol' Zanzibar here, jes' 'cos I like ya, Sonny."

And with that, he waddled off to drag Sephiroth down the aisle, yammering noisily about a quiet bird he had for the general.

Cloud buried his face in his hands, wishing someone would just put him out of his misery. Of course, the someone who frequently threatened to do that was standing right beside him, undoubtedly biting back barely contained mirth. Not seconds later, right on cue, Genesis sputtered with laughter. Cloud banged his head against the wall.

"Shut up!" he snapped through his gloves. _"You've_ never been confused with a chocobo before."

That only proceeded to make the commander laugh harder. "Y-You're right, I haven't!" he managed, snorting. "But i-it's hilarious!"

Cloud gave Genesis a pointed shove, unable to look up at him. "Go saddle your chocobo," he muttered.

"Do you want me to ride you, _Zanzibar?"_

Fumbling with the latch on Zanzibar's gate, Cloud slipped inside the stall and slammed the door shut behind him. Genesis' giggles trailed behind him as he made his way to the other end of the barn. Zanzibar turned his head to gaze down at Cloud.

"Wark?"

Cloud couldn't help a smile, reaching out to pat the bird. "I guess at least you're a good-looking chocobo."

Fifteen minutes later, Cloud had Zanzibar ready to go and the two were best friends. The large yellow bird followed Cloud amicably down the aisle as they headed outside. Cloud pulled Zanzibar to a stop, however, when he noticed Sephiroth. The general was pressed against the back wall of a stall, paralyzed as a large chocobo stretched out its head towards him.

"Is everything alright, Sephiroth?" Cloud ventured to ask.

Sephiroth's expression stated that everything was clearly _not_ alright, and Cloud tied Zanzibar outside and entered the stall. The chocobo's attention was immediately diverted to Cloud and the general sagged against the wall in relief. Cloud gave the chocobo a scratch on the head and was rewarded with a heavy sigh as the bird leaned into the touch.

"What happened?" Cloud asked. The chocobo didn't seem ill-tempered. In fact, it seemed rather affectionate in Cloud's unprofessional opinion. He staggered backwards when it shoved its head against his chest.

Sephiroth's entire form tensed and he gave Cloud a guarded look. After a moment, he said, "I don't like chocobos."

"They're kind of smelly, but once you get past that—"

"It's not the smell," Sephiroth interrupted. His eyes darted left and right, checking to see if anyone was within earshot, but the barn was empty. "They're big… and they have large claws and sharp beaks…"

Several seconds ticked by until the tension snapped and Cloud's blank expression turned to one of astonishment. "You're afraid of chocobos?"

Grimacing, the general nodded.

"But why?" Cloud had to ask, bewildered. "You're so much more powerful than they are."

And he was, too. But Sephiroth looked down at his feet and folded his hands. "I was feeding a chocobo greens once and it… bit me. It hurt." Sephiroth's head snapped up and his eyes bored into Cloud's. "I wanted the bird eliminated at once, but Bill said 'no.'"

"You can't just kill a chocobo because it bit you."

"It was obviously vicious!"

"It wasn't vicious," Cloud argued. "I'm sure it didn't _mean_ to bite you. It was probably just hungry and your hand was in the way."

A statement like that was risky with the general. It insinuated that Sephiroth had somehow done something wrong, however unintentional. But Cloud was something of a SOLDIER (and chocobo) whisperer and could get away with things like that. Besides, he hadn't outright stated the general was crazy. That was Genesis' job.

Sephiroth considered. "I suppose…" he said at length. "Perhaps you're right."

"You haven't had any altercations since, have you?"

The general shook his head.

A smile spread across Cloud's face. "See? Chocobos are good animals. And I think this one just wants to be friends."

The chocobo turned his head and warked at Sephiroth, causing the general to jump and plaster himself up against the wall again. Cloud sighed.

"Would you like me to get him ready for you?"

Sephiroth nodded. "Thank you, Strife." He inched his way out of the stall, then inched his way around Zanzibar, keeping a respectable distance between himself and the chocobo. "Genesis has always enjoyed teasing me about the chocobos."

Well, of course he did. It was Genesis.

"Is he not afraid of them?"

"He likes chocobos, I think," Sephiroth mused. "He likes dragging me along on missions that involve chocobos. I suppose he'll be dragging you on them too, from now on."

Thus, Commander Genesis Rhapsodos stayed in an unusually good mood for the remainder of the day.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Oh my goodness, I had way too much fun with Chocobo Bill. Genesis and Cloud will have to return to the chocobo farm just for him :P

I hope you all had a pleasant Thanksgiving!

**_RegenesisX_**


	22. Fury

**Author's Note:** Because Genesis is just _not_ allowing himself to be upstaged by the likes of Grell Sutcliff.

This was one off of my list: How come summons can't speak? (suggested by KHGiggle)

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversation<strong>

_"He's summoning again!" ~ Zack Fair_

A distressingly familiar roar was not the sound Genesis wanted to hear upon entering the training room. His heart leapt straight into his throat at the sight of his Bahamut Fury in all its malevolent glory. The Summon made the spacious training room look cramped and narrow; the tips of the spikes on its wings brushed the walls on either side and it could just barely stand up straight. But the most horrific part of it all was that Cloud Strife, _his apprentice_, was a scant few yards away, sitting cross-legged on the floor like everything was perfectly fine and nothing bad could possibly come of this.

Genesis was across the room before even drawing his next breath.

"What the hell are you doing?!" He grabbed the collar of Cloud's shirt and hauled him backwards. Cloud gagged and flailed, but accidentally choking his apprentice to death was the least of Genesis' worries. "Did you pour glue into the cavity where your brain used to be?"

Cloud frantically clawed at the front of his shirt. "Can't... breathe..."

"I don't care. You have three seconds to tell me what's going on."

"I... wanted... Bahamut... speak!"

"Excuse me?"

_"__Gaaaaaack!"_

Genesis released Cloud, who crumpled to his knees and gasped for breath. "I... wanted to see... if Bahamut could speak..."

Bahamut Fury, who had been observing the proceedings with mild disinterest, let out an impatient roar. The metal floor vibrated underneath their feet. Cloud flinched, covering his ears to block out the noise, while Genesis stared at him, dumbstruck.

"You wanted to see if he could _speak? _Why on Gaia do you even care?"

Cloud shrugged like it was an acceptable response.

"Well, peachy as that is, you seem to have overlooked one, tiny detail." Genesis jabbed a finger at the Summon. "That isn't Bahamut."

"I, um, noticed."

"Do you know what it is?"

"Something I'm going to regret?"

"_That_ is a prototype of a new Summon I created. It's called Bahamut Fury because it's almost as dangerous and temperamental as I am."

"I guess that's a _yes_, then?"

Despite their impending peril, Genesis buried his face in his hands with a tired groan and tried to focus on not wanting to murder his apprentice. He reminded himself that Cloud was one of his best friends, and people didn't kill their best friends. Usually.

"I'm afraid your little experiment will have to be put on hold for the moment," he said. "If you put Bahamut Fury away _now_, I might not slice off all your fingers for stealing my materia."

Cloud paled a little and his eyes nervously darted around the room, which was never a good sign. "W-Well, you see... I can't."

"Curious. And why exactly can't you?"

"Because, um... I don't have the materia."

If Genesis clenched his jaw any tighter, he was afraid his teeth would break. "And where is it?"

Cloud pointed shakily at Bahamut Fury. "H-He has it."

Sure enough, Genesis could spot the bright red materia clutched in the Summon's claws.

"I'm sorry!" Cloud flung himself at Genesis, hugging the commander's knees. "I accidentally dropped it when I summoned him and he just picked it up! Please don't kill me!"

Genesis stared down at the blubbering Third wrapped around his legs. How was it that someone so talented could be so hair-brained? If he wanted to brag about his apprentice to anyone, he had to make sure to tape Cloud's mouth shut beforehand. Shaking him off, Genesis hauled the blond to his feet.

"Then I guess you'd better go get it back," he snapped, shoving Cloud towards Bahamut Fury.

Cloud's eyes flew wide in terror. _"M-Me?!"_

"Yes, you. You're the one who lost it." Genesis gave him another push when he resisted. "I'll cover your sorry ass."

"A-Are you sure this is safe? Maybe we should go tell Lazard, o-or Sephiroth..."

"Believe me, Cloud, nobody—_nobody—_is going to kill you before I do."

* * *

><p>After Genesis finished wiping the blood from his sword, he fished out his Curaga and tossed it to Cloud.<p>

"I still think you stabbed me on purpose," Cloud muttered. He peeled back the cloth from his upper arm, making a face as fresh blood began oozing out of the cut.

"I didn't _stab_ you. If I had stabbed you, you would be dead." Genesis gently set Rapier down. "You just got a little too close and I might have accidentally grazed you. Hurry up and use that before you bleed out and my life becomes reasonably normal again."

Curaga flared bright green as Cloud cast the spell on himself and the skin on his arm knit itself back together. Cloud gave his shoulder a few experimental rolls before tossing the materia back to Genesis. "Thanks. I guess I owe you one."

"I think you owe me a few more than _one_, my dear."

"But I was just wondering—"

"You could have asked me, you know," Genesis said. "I've spent enough time around Bahamut to be able to give a confident answer as to whether or not he was able to speak. Which he isn't, by the way."

"Yeah, I think I got that." Cloud was quiet for a moment, head tilted thoughtfully. "Why can't Summons talk?"

Genesis raised his eyebrows. "That's a little like asking why a behemoth or a Nibel wolf can't talk. They're monsters. I don't know _why_ specifically, they just aren't capable of speech."

"So if it's a monster, it can't speak?"

"Can chocobos speak?"

"Okay, okay..." Cloud tapped his lips. "What about a Summon like Shiva? She's human. Well, I mean, sort of, but maybe—"

"Cloud, we _are not_ summoning Shiva."

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** I actually wrote this as an excuse to tell you that I put a poll up on my profile page because I want your input for my next multi-chapter fic! I gave short descriptions of each of my ideas, so if you're at all interested, you can go take a look at that. I'd really appreciate it.

As always, thank you for reading and feel free to leave any silly suggestions for conversation topics that you might have in a review!

**_RegenesisX_**


	23. Reaper

**Author's Note:** You didn't ask for this, you probably didn't want it, but here it is. I'm a little bit broken, my brain is a little bit fried, but I'm still alive. And before you yell at me, this was suggested! Grim reapers were suggested by obla-di, but in lieu of my own recent interests, I just kind of took that prompt and ran with it...

This chapter features a guest from another fandom (who I incidentally had to keep myself from killing out of pure frustration), and then another one who just kind of snuck in at the end without me wanting him to... You may or may not know who either of them are, but the first one at least has the decency to explain himself.

**Warnings:** Really, this chapter was just. Gah.

* * *

><p><strong>Intelligent Conversation<strong>

_"Those wings... I want them too." ~ Zack Fair_

"Hey, Genesis? What do you suppose happens to us after we die?"

Genesis briefly glanced up from _LOVELESS_ before turning the page. "We get absorbed back into the Lifestream."

"Yeah, but how does it happen? Does the Lifestream just come up out of the ground to retrieve the body?"

"I don't know, Cloud. I can always kill you if you're just _dying_ to satisfy your curiosity."

Cloud grabbed one of the throw pillows off the couch and lobbed it at Genesis. True to form, Genesis blocked it without even looking. Cloud chuckled despite himself and flopped back down on the couch, drumming his fingers against his stomach. The answer to death was always the same: the body and soul both returned to the Lifestream. But where was the Lifestream? How did it access the bodies? Why didn't it just absorb everyone?

"What about the Grim Reaper?"

"...What about it?"

"What if there really is one?" Cloud twisted onto his stomach to look at Genesis. "I mean, some sort of entity that came to collect the souls of the dying and bring them to the Lifestream."

Genesis finally set his book down and sighed. "It's possible, I suppose, but don't you think that would be more common knowledge? I don't mean to brag, but I've killed a lot of people and I've never seen anything that resembled a Grim Reaper."

"Hmm... What if he's just invisible?"

"How convenient," Genesis said dryly.

"It's not like we can see the Lifestream either," Cloud protested. "Maybe only the people who die can see him because he exists in the Lifestream."

"While your theorizing has some plausibility, there's really no way we can prove whether or not you're right without killing someone. And no matter how you slice it, you can't extract information from a dead person."

"Well, if we could bring them back to life..."

"By the time science figures out how to do _that_, you'll already be dead and thus have your answer."

Cloud stuck out his tongue at his mentor. "You're no fun."

"I'm fun. You and I simply have different definitions, that's all. Mine involves the pain and suffering of others, and yours involves the pain and suffering of me." Genesis returned to his reading, but paused after a moment to shoot Cloud a suspicious glance. "What brings this up, anyway?"

"I dunno," Cloud replied, shrugging. "I just wondered."

"You never _just wonder_, Cloud."

"I haven't killed anyone, if that's what you're asking."

"You mean you haven't killed anyone _yet."_

* * *

><p>"I-I dunno, Genesis... can't we just take the long way around?"<p>

"Cloud, this leads straight through to _LOVELESS _Avenue. There's no point in circumventing the entirety of Sector Seven when we can just cut through here."

"But isn't it cheating to take shortcuts?"

"If you want to walk back to the ShinRa building the other way, then by all means, go right ahead. But I'm going through here."

"I can't walk through Midgar alone! I'll get lost and I'll ask some lady for directions and she'll invite me into her house for cookies and then right when my back is turned, she'll slit my throat and use me for her monthly human sacrifice!"

"Oh, silly me. I forgot how common of an occurrence that was. Could you pull your ass together for three seconds? What are you so scared of?"

"W-Well, it's dark... and there could be spiders!"

"...Spiders."

"Uh-huh."

"Gaia damn it, Cloud..." Genesis spun Cloud to face him and gripped his shoulders. "I am overqualified to kill spiders. Can we _please_ just go?"

Cloud bit his bottom lip and warily eyed the alley squashed between two tall buildings in Sector 7. The light from the street didn't reach very far, turning the passage into a narrow abyss just waiting to swallow up unsuspecting victims. While Genesis seemed to believe the other end would spit them out in Sector 8, Cloud was less convinced. But, for all his threats, Genesis hadn't let anything bad happen to him so far, so he was obligated to trust his mentor.

"O-Okay..."

Genesis sighed, shoulders slumping in relief. "Thank you."

Cloud lunged for Genesis the moment he began to take that first step into the alley and clung to his arm for dear life. He met his mentor's death glare with a pleading pout. "Just... if you see a spider, kill it. Please."

"Fine. Whatever. Can you let go of me?"

"No."

"_My soul, corrupted by vengeance, hath endured torment..."_

As they proceeded deeper into the alley, the sounds from the city around them grew dull and muted. The most prominent noises were their own footsteps and water dripping somewhere further down. Cloud's eyes darted frantically between the shadows surrounding them, heart pounding against his chest. He strained to see into the dark, telling himself nothing on the walls were moving, his eyes just hadn't adjusted yet. There weren't any spiders waiting to jump out at him. Genesis was there; Genesis would protect him. In a moment of weakness, Cloud fumbled for his mentor's hand and laced their fingers together. He was surprise to feel Genesis give his palm a reassuring squeeze. Perhaps Genesis really did care. Once the alley became clearer, Cloud's confidence began a slow return.

And then he could've _sworn_ he was picking up the sound of extra footsteps.

Holding his breath, Cloud purposely fell into step with Genesis and began to count. _One, two, one, two, one, twothree, one..._ His ears weren't just playing tricks on him; there was definitely another set. Twisting his head to check behind them, Cloud half-expected to see a serial killer wielding a butcher's knife, but there was no one. The alley was empty, save for the two of them.

"H-Hey, Genesis?"

"What is it now?"

"Can we stop for a sec?"

Huffing in annoyance, Genesis obliged him. Cloud halted beside him, concentrating hard. The dripping water was closer now. Somewhere from the street behind them, a car horn blared. There were no more footsteps. Did that mean he'd imagined them after all?

Or had they stopped _with_ them?

"Could you hear that?" Cloud whispered, glancing both ways down the alley.

"Hear what?"

"Footsteps. I could've sworn I heard..."

Genesis pried his arm out of Cloud's stranglehold. "There's nobody else here but us. Now tell your brain to put a sock in it. I want to get home."

"I'm not making it up, I really—"

"Cloud..."

Forgoing the consequences of such an action, Cloud slapped a hand over Genesis' mouth. "Shh! Listen!"

There was a spit of noise before the silence that followed. It was brief, but it was a very distinct noise—the kind that comes from the bottom of a shoe scraping over a gritty surface. It echoed, seeming to come from everywhere all at once and Cloud couldn't immediately pinpoint its source.

"Did you hear _that?"_ Cloud hissed.

Genesis slapped Cloud's hand away. "So we're not the only ones who've decided to use this alley as a shortcut. Big de—"

He was interrupted by another noise, but this one was different. Something like an engine revved, then a loud, buzzing roar filled the alley.

"Wh-what is that?" Cloud whimpered.

Instead of Genesis, a third voice repeated his question back to him. _"What's that?"_

The alley was still empty.

_"__Hasn't anyone ever told you?"_ The footsteps returned, this time running. _"Curiosity..._" Fabric snapped and whooshed through the air, and the incessant buzzing grew louder. _"Only ends in..."_

Too late, Cloud realized the sound was coming from _above_ them, and not in the alley itself. When he glanced up, he only had a moment to register the red splatter flying down at them before he was yanked out of the way. He stumbled, tripping over his own feet, and landed hard on his shoulder. Something smashed into the ground where he'd been standing a half-second ago. The buzzing rumbled to a stop and Cloud lifted his head to see a chainsaw driven several inches into the pavement. Perched lightly on top of it was a slender man wearing a white button-up with a black vest and a scarlet coat slung around his elbows. He tilted his head, letting his vibrant red hair spill over his shoulder.

_"__Death,"_ he said, finishing his sentence. His grin revealed two sets of viciously sharp teeth.

Cloud nearly fainted.

Which was why he was both angry and grateful Genesis was there. Angry, because they wouldn't even be in the alley if it weren't for him, and grateful because, unlike Cloud, Genesis was capable of getting back out of the messes he got into.

Rapier was drawn and pointed at the redhead before Cloud could even blink. "Who the hell are you?" Genesis demanded.

"My... What a big sword you have," the redhead purred, peering at Genesis through his glasses with yellow-green eyes. "You wouldn't be thinking about _impaling_ me with it, would you?" He reached out to caress the blade with the tips of his fingers. "Not that I'd refuse something so _magnificent."_

The double meaning of the remark flew straight over Cloud's head, but it made Genesis grit his teeth and thrust his sword forward with a growl. The blade slid across the redhead's neck, breaking the skin. Blood began to well up and a bead of red slid down underneath his collar.

The redhead's grin grew impossibly wider. "Oh, I see. You're just _dying_ for a taste, aren't you?"

Cloud heard the leather of Genesis' glove creak against Rapier's hilt as he tightened his grip. "Perhaps you've got too much space between your ears and your brain," he said. _"Who are you?"_

"Wouldn't youuu like to know?"

With an impatient snarl, Genesis wound his sword back to strike. As he did that, though, the redhead took the opportunity to backflip out of the way, taking his chainsaw with him. Cloud sucked in a breath when he pulled the blade out of the pavement with no more effort than it would take to move it through water.

The redhead landed further down the alley, looking remarkably giddy for someone Genesis had just taken a swing at. His odd-colored eyes flashed with something that unnerved Cloud. "What a thrill you are! It's been a long time since I've come across someone so mercilessly vicious. The mere thought makes my body tremble with desire!"

Cloud exchanged a baffled glance with Genesis.

"So, what do you say, Handsome?" The redhead shook his hips. "Shall we dance?"

Genesis didn't have a chance to respond before the whirring started up again and the redhead came at him, swinging his chainsaw. Genesis dodged the blade, then counterattacked with Rapier. Ordinarily, the sword's long range gave him the upper hand, but in the narrow alley, he was at a disadvantage. The redhead seemed to have no such reservations about space and swung his chainsaw wildly. When the blade came into contact with the alley wall, it simply sliced through the brick like butter. Cloud rolled out of the way as chunks of building material rained down on him and scrambled to his feet. Sparks flew when the spinning blade of the chainsaw caught Rapier's edge and flung it aside.

"Careful" the redhead growled. "I've been known..." Their blades met again, this time trapping Rapier against the wall. "...to bite." A high-pitched grinding noise filled the air until Genesis was able to yank his sword back.

Cloud's eyes widened at the sight of the large groove in the edge of the sword and the deep scratches running up the length of the blade. Rapier was supposed to be indestructible. Nothing could cut through it. And yet...

Genesis' eyes grew murderous at the sight of the damage. Even at a distance, Cloud could see him shaking and he knew he had to stop this somehow. If he didn't, Sector 7 was going to be little more than a charred hunk of metal. He moved instinctively, wrenching a drainpipe off a nearby wall, and ran up behind the redhead. Cloud misjudged his own strength, however, and hit him with much more force than anticipated. A normal person would've no doubt collapsed to the ground in a pool of blood, but the redhead simply squawked angrily and dropped his chainsaw. Holding the back of his head, the redhead whipped around and bared his teeth at Cloud.

"How dare you attack a lady from behind!" he shrieked. "What kind of a monster are you?"

Before Cloud could delve too deeply into a pit of self-loathing, Genesis grabbed the redhead and pinned his arms behind his back. "And what do you call assaulting us from the rooftops in an alley?"

"I was just trying to be friendly!"

"Then I'm sure we'll be _good friends_ once I'm finished with you." Genesis slammed the redhead up against the wall. "Who are you working for?"

"Ah! Yes! That's right; get rough with me, darling!"

Genesis made a disgusted noise at the back of his throat and bent down to retrieve the chainsaw. He dug one knee into the redhead's lower back and fisted his left hand in his hair, using his right hand to flick the switch on the chainsaw. The alley was filled once more with noise and Genesis drove the machine's blade into the brick, dangerously close to the redhead's neck.

"Oh, believe me, I can play rough," Genesis hissed near the redhead's ear. "Now, are you going to answer my question, or shall I put an end to your noisy chattering?"

The redhead seemed decently frightened now, eying his blade with no small amount of panic. "Y-You wouldn't believe me if I told you!"

"Oh, no? Try me. Are you with Wutai? Were you sent by ShinRa to _test_ me?" Genesis dug the chainsaw further into the wall just for good measure. "It's an interesting weapon, to be sure, but Weapons Development is going to have to work harder if they want to stand up against _me._"

"Please, not my face—_please! _Anywhere but there!"

Cloud shifted his weight from one foot to the other as the redhead's blubbering fell on Genesis' deaf ears, the metal pipe growing heavy in his hand. "Genesis..."

"If you're not going to tell me anything, there's no use in having you around anymore."

"Wait, no!"

Before Genesis could slice their assailant's head off, Cloud grabbed his arm and yanked back. The chainsaw went flying, skidding when it hit the ground. Cloud darted to retrieve it—to keep the redhead from reclaiming it, of course, but also to defend himself in the event that Genesis decided to kill _him_ instead. As it was, his mentor turned to him with barely constrained rage. The redhead swooned and slumped to the ground.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Genesis snapped.

Cloud swallowed thickly. "W-We're not supposed to kill civilians."

"Excuse me? Did you miss the part where he _tried to kill us?"_

"Well, no, but... But you can't just kill him! We don't even know who he is!"

The redhead took the opportunity to scramble to his feet. Genesis reached out to grab the back of his coat, but he was too fast. He darted behind Cloud, clinging to the blond.

"This isn't exactly what I had in mind," he said, sliding his arms around Cloud's waist, "but I suppose it isn't every day I have _two_ men fighting over me."

Cloud felt mildly uncomfortable having the redhead so close, but there wasn't a whole lot he could do at the moment. "So, um... wh-who are you, exactly? If you don't mind telling us, that is..."

The redhead giggled and Cloud began to understand what life was like for a teddy bear. "Since you asked so nicely, I suppose I'll tell you. My name is Grell Sutcliff, actress _extraordinaire."_

Genesis' eyes narrowed. "An actress? I've never heard of you."

"You wouldn't have, which is a bloody tragedy. I just know I would've been destined to play the role opposite you; you and I would've been flawless! But I'm afraid my talents are wasted on the human world. I'm a shinigami."

"A shini-_what?"_

"A shinigami. It roughly translates to 'death god' or, as you sometimes refer to us, 'grim reaper.'"

Cloud nearly dropped the chainsaw. "Wait, really? _You're_ a grim reaper?"

"Of course he isn't," Genesis snapped. "Grim reapers don't exist."

"I see, so _that's_ the kind of man you are. You get a lady all hot and bothered and then you just leave her hanging. What was the point in asking if you weren't going to believe me?"

"I didn't realize you were going to resort to outlandish excuses. I usually only get those from Cloud."

"Hey!"

"Oh, but I'm _deadly_ serious. I'm a grim reaper, and that there," Grell pointed at his chainsaw, "is my deathscythe."

Even though he was in danger of being molested by a potentially psychotic stranger, Cloud couldn't help getting excited. "You're really a grim reaper?" he asked, twisting in Grell's grip.

"Really, really, my dear."

"Do you live in the Lifestream? Are you made of Lifestream? What happens to people when they die? Do you take their souls to the Lifestream? How do you do it? Are you invisible? Why can we see you now?"

Grell gave Cloud's head a pat. "Inquisitive, aren't you?"

"You have no idea..." Genesis muttered. Cloud stuck out his tongue at him.

"Well..." Grell sighed. "You're not exactly my type, but I suppose you'll have to suffice for the moment. If you really want to know, I'm here on assignment."

"And this 'assignment' involved attacking me?" Genesis asked.

"No. Someone around here is next on the To-Die list. I came to collect their soul. But then I saw you and I couldn't control myself!" Grell tossed a flirtatious wink at Genesis. "I just _had_ to come and say hello. You see... I _love_ the color red. To see someone wear it with such passion and conviction is to die for."

Genesis glanced down at his coat, seeming torn between pride and repulsion. "If that's all you wanted, couldn't you just introduce yourself like a normal person?"

"And have you brush me off like you've done to hundreds of other women? No, I think my way was much more entertaining."

"So," Cloud interjected, tugging on Grell's sleeve, "about this soul you have to collect. Who is it?"

"Hmm? Oh, I don't know." Reaching into his coat, Grell pulled out a small, leather-bound book and flipped through the pages until he found what he was looking for. "Some old woman named Mary Smith. Says she's going to die of heart failure at the Sector Seven train station at precisely four-ten."

Cloud tried to sneak a peek at the book, but Grell snapped it shut.

"Humans aren't allowed to look at the list. Although, if you'd get your friend to kiss me, I think we could come to some sort of agreement."

Genesis audibly choked. "Please don't."

"Four-ten?" Cloud pulled out his PHS to check the time. "That's in fifteen minutes."

"Ah, alas, I must be going, then..."

"O-Oh. Um... H-here..." He handed the deathscythe back to the reaper. "I guess you'll need this."

Grell shouldered his chainsaw and gave Cloud's cheek a pinch, smiling widely. Those teeth didn't seem quite so frightening anymore. "Thank you, darling. Ta-ta."

Cloud squirmed in place, knowing Genesis was glaring at him, willing him _to not even think about it_, but the bubble of his curiosity had grown to the point of impossible to quash. How often was it that he got to meet _real_ supernatural creatures? Although, if he opened his mouth, there was always the possibility that he'd be meeting Grell in the afterlife anyway.

"Wait!" he called as the shinigami neared the entrance to the alley. Grell paused, glancing back over his shoulder. "Let me come with you!"

* * *

><p>Every once and a while, Grell would glance back towards him and <em>wink<em>, and it was really starting to piss Genesis off. Cloud was enraptured with the so-called "grim reaper" and hadn't stopped chattering with him since they'd left the alley. Apparently, "has he attempted to kill my mentor?" wasn't on Cloud's list of questions to consider when picking a new best friend.

Genesis wasn't bitter. He _wasn't_. He was only walking several meters behind them because the sound of Cloud's voice had begun to grate on his nerves. It had nothing to do with him being irritated about how quickly his apprentice had latched onto Grell. Absolutely nothing.

That man, that _thing, _had ruined his poor Rapier! It didn't matter how pretty Grell was. Not that Genesis was using "pretty" to describe his own opinion of the reaper. When one had waist-length red hair, and wore fake eyelashes and high-heeled shoes, one was bound to have that descriptor applied. Although, Genesis did have to admit he cut a rather striking—_deadly_ striking—figure in that red coat... But of course Genesis was drawn to red.

A little boy stared up at him in wonderment as he passed and Genesis, still deep in thought, misread the staring as silent judgment and snapped, "What the hell are you looking at?"

The degree to which the boy flinched and went running for his mommy was passably satisfying, and Genesis returned to his sulking.

They arrived at the train station two minutes before the time Grell claimed Mary Smith would die. If asked, Genesis would've said he'd only tagged along to make sure nothing bad happened to Cloud, but even he was curious to see if Grell's prediction would come true.

"It's not a prediction," Grell said as Genesis halted beside them. "Once Mary Smith dies, I'll use my deathscythe to pull out her soul to review her life. In rare cases, a human who proves beneficial to this world might be allowed to live, but... as I said, highly uncommon."

Genesis folded his arms. "Are you trying to say that, on a whole, we're _not_ beneficial to this world?"

Grell glanced over at him and although he was smiling, his eyes had grown more somber. "Those are your words, not mine."

The train finally arrived, screeching into the station with a loud whistle. People on the platform hurried towards the cars only to be pushed back and forced into orderly lines by the porters. The doors on the train cars opened and passengers began to spill out.

"And there's our dear Mary."

Grell pointed to an elderly woman being helped out of the train by a young man, presumably her nephew or grandson. Genesis glanced at the large clock on the nearby station. Only twenty seconds to go.

_Nineteen, eighteen, seventeen, sixteen..._

The man offered to take the lady's bag, which she adamantly refused to give up.

_Fifteen, fourteen, thirteen, twelve..._

After the altercation, the man managed to calm the woman down and begun herding her away from the train.

_Eleven, ten, nine, eight..._

A distressed look crossed over the woman's face and she coughed.

_Seven, six, five, four..._

The woman stopped walking and the man started to ask what was the matter.

_Three... two... one..._

The woman suddenly collapsed onto the platform. The young man began shouting, first at his grandma, then for help, and people crowded around, fighting to see what had happened. The only ones who remained motionless were Cloud, Genesis, and Grell.

"Well, looks like my prediction came true after all," Grell said cheerfully, starting up his chainsaw. "Time to go to work!" And with that, he vanished into the fray. Cloud hurried after him.

Genesis remained where he was, staring down at the pavement. So Grell was a grim reaper after all. It wasn't as surprising as it seemed like it should've been. He just... couldn't help wondering...

"Funny, isn't it?"

The voice startled him, and when he glanced to the right, his first instinct was to think it was Sephiroth. The man was garbed in black and had long, silver hair, but the voice wasn't right. This man wore a rumpled top hat on his head and had bangs that came down to cover his eyes. He tilted his head to smile pleasantly at Genesis.

"Life is so pitifully fragile. Death will take it away regardless, and yet people do everything they can to hold onto it for as long as they can."

"Are you saying it's pointless to hold on?" Genesis asked.

"Hehe... The question isn't whether it _is_ or it _isn't_," the man replied. "The question is _why._ But the motive is left up to the individual, and that's what makes humans so interesting."

Several ShinRa infantrymen showed up on the scene to make way for the medical people. The crowd was pushed back and Genesis could just barely make out the lady as they loaded her onto a stretcher. Grell was nowhere in sight.

"So, tell me, Commander Rhapsodos, what is your reason for holding on to this ephemeral existence?"

Genesis returned his attention to the man beside him. His attire was incredibly somber, consisting of a black overcoat and a grey scarf slung over his shoulder and tied at his hip, yet his demeanor was surprisingly cheerful. And there they were, talking about death while a helpless old lady was carried off by ShinRa personnel.

"I suppose..." Genesis looked back at the ground. "I'm afraid."

"Of death?"

"No, not death... It's like you said. We can't escape it. I know that better than anyone." He glanced around the train station, where the crowd was already beginning to disperse. They would all go home and tell their families about day's events, then proceed to forget the whole incident occurred. Perhaps one or two of them would be scarred by the tragedy, and the grandson would be sobbing over the loss of his grandmother until time had sufficiently scrubbed her memory away. "I'm afraid of being forgotten. They'll remember Sephiroth, but what about me? Has anything I've done really been... beneficial?" he spat, using Grell's word for it.

The man laughed. "Memory is simply immortality of another type, you know. When your name fades, you will be well and truly dead." He paused, tapping one long, black nail against his chin. "Although, I do wonder what sort of divine judgment a creature such as yourself will face."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing, at the moment..." The man reached into his pocket, pulled out a bone-shaped cookie, and handed it to Genesis. "Do take good care of yourself in the future, Commander. I hope to see you again someday."

Genesis wanted to press the man further—what did he mean, "a creature" such as himself? Was he referring to his genetic SOLDIER modifications, or was it... something else? But before he had a chance to ask, Cloud's voice rang out from across the platform and he turned to see his apprentice running back towards him. When he looked back, the man was gone.

"Can you believe it, Genesis?" Cloud asked, panting and giddy. "Grim reapers! _Real_ grim reapers exist!"

Genesis turned over the cookie in his hand. "I guess so. Where's Grell?"

Craning his neck, Cloud pointed to one of the rooftops further down the street. The redheaded reaper had paused against a chimney and was waving at them. Cloud waved back while Genesis scowled.

"Do you think we'll see him again?" Cloud asked.

Stuffing the cookie into the pocket of his pants, Genesis grabbed Cloud's wrist and dragged him towards the exit. "I'd like to say no, but I have a feeling I'll be eating my words," he grumbled.

Cloud skipped along behind him. It was sickening how happy he was that he'd been proved right. "I hope we do. I like him." He shot Genesis a sidelong glance. "I think he likes _you_."

"No shit, Sherlock."

"I think you should give him a chance."

"What? _No!"_

"Awww, c'mon, Genesis! How often do you get a chance to date a grim reaper? I mean, you have lots in common! You like plays, you like the color red, you like killing people..."

"That is, without a doubt, _the_ worst idea you've ever had. Even worse than keeping a fish in my bathtub or summoning Bahamut Fury without my permission or deciding to tie me up and throw me in a supply closet."

"But he's so pretty! I totally saw you looking at him."

"I wasn't—he was attacking me! Of course I had to be looking at him!"

"Yeah, but _loooooking?"_

"..."

"Genesis?"

"..."

"N-No, wait, hang on, I was just joking! I'm teasing you, I wouldn't—no, stop! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Dear Lord. Grell is like some sort of weird addiction. Both he and the Undertaker (that was the second character that I didn't name) are from the anmie/manga _Kuroshitsuji_. If you've never watched/read it, I highly suggest it. It's really good.

I'll admit, I just mostly wanted to see Genesis and Grell interact. That was probably a bad idea, considering how much grief writing it gave me, but now my curiosity is sort of sated and I can bring Grell back whenever I want. Just because I'm a terrible person. But hey, Cloud _finally_ got to meet a supernatural creature! How about that!

Also, foreshadowing Undertaker was foreshadowing.

**_RegenesisX_**


End file.
